REVOLUTIONARY SCIENCE THEATRE 3000 Episode 110: "Cypriene Lost" Written by: Roxanne Ohtori MSTed by: Chris Rain (rainclash@yahoo.com) This is a MSTing of a story written by Roxanne Ohtori. No insult, injury, infringement, or painful debilitating illness is intended by this MSTing. I do this because (a) it's fun and (b) I have lots of time and imagination on my hands. MST3K is owned by Best Brains, Inc. All "Revolutionary Girl Utena"/"Shoujo Kakumei Utena" characters are the property of B-Papas, Chiho Saito, TV Tokyo, Shonenn Iinkai, Software Sculptors, Central Park Media Corporation, and possibly a partridge in a pear tree, though the latter is dicey to prove under law. ^_^ Reading this MST can be greatly helped by having at least a passing familiarity with the series; if you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it. (Shameless plug requirements met. Onward!) [Satellite of Revolution recreation room. MIKI, ANTHY, and UTENA are sitting right next to each other on a bench in front of a computer monitor; JURI is practicing fencing forms near one wall. TOUGA is channel-surfing from a comfortable-looking couch. AKIO is lying, apparently asleep, on another couch] UTENA: Wait, Miki . . . try that link--yeah, that one. I'm curious as to what . . . [MIKI and UTENA stare at the webpage blankly for a few seconds] MIKI: Um . . . UTENA: Er . . . ANTHY: Oh, my . . . [MIKI sweatdrops. TOUGA is glancing their way with the kind of grin that indicates he thinks they're looking at porno sites] UTENA: *Orange*? TOUGA: Huh? UTENA [pointing at the screen]: Look. This lady had her wedding gown designed after the Rose Bride gown, in white . . . but the trim's orange. [TOUGA gets up to take a look] ANTHY: It's . . . different, isn't it? MIKI: It *is* that. And the design is very nice . . . TOUGA: Orange? I wonder why orange? I mean, I can't understand why anyone in their right mind would wear mostly white clothes with ora-- [JURI's foil whips through the air very close to TOUGA's head with an ominous hissing sound] Present company excepted! UTENA: Well, there's a problem with it, matters of fashion aside . . . ANTHY: What problem, Miss Utena? UTENA: You know all those wedding color rhymes? [blank looks from the others] Oh, you know. "Married in white, you have married all right" . . . "married in blue, you'll always be true" . . . "married in black, you'll wish yourself back" . . . those? TOUGA: Oh, *those*! [sexy smirk] What's red? UTENA : "Married in red, you'll wish yourself dead." [the smirk melts off TOUGA's face] JURI [clearly enjoying the sight of TOUGA's expression]: What's your point, Tenjou? UTENA: For this girl, I don't know if there'd be a rhyme, because-- AKIO [sitting bolt upright on the couch and shrieking]: BECAUSE NOTHING RHYMES WITH "ORANGE"! [that gets startled silence from the rest of the group; AKIO peels himself off the couch and starts stumbling back and forth, hair in disarray, clothes wrinkled, ranting at the top of his lungs] AKIO: That's right! NOTHING! "Orange" utterly defies rhyme and meter! You can't do it! It's a total wash! UTENA: What's wrong with *him*? TOUGA: I suspect that he found the tequila that Mamiya smuggled up to us. MIKI: Tequila? What tequila? TOUGA: It was in the bottle labeled "medicinal alcohol". I think Souji believed it was isopropyl. AKIO: "Month" is another word! Nothing rhymes with it! It doesn't make any sense! "ORANGE"! It doesn't work! UTENA: Well, the page is titled "Citrine no Hanayome" . . . AKIO: That doesn't make any more sense! "Citrine"! What the hell rhymes with "citrine"?! MIKI : And citrine is more of a yellow or golden-yellow gemstone that's produced when amethyst is heated . . . it's not orange . . . AKIO: "Citrine"! What would you say?! "Married in citrine, get lots of cheap vitrine"?! JURI: Vitrine? That has something to do with glass . . . MIKI: Actually, "vitrine" is a singular noun that refers to a glass showcase or cabinet, designed to display curios, specimens, et cetera. TOUGA: Sounds like he's getting "vitrine" and "vino" mixed up. Understandable, in his condition . . . far from dignified, though. [the message light starts blinking on a panel next to the computer monitor] JURI: Just wait until Souji sees this. [reaching out and pushing the button; the big-screen TV blanks out and becomes the Viewscreen] [Observatory. MIKAGE is doing yet another EXTREEEEEME CLOSE-UP at the Viewscreen. He's close enough that he's basically just a big eye, in fact] MIKAGE: I spy, with my little eye . . . hm, something that begins with the letter "S"! [SoR. AKIO is still raving; the others just look at each other, then at the Viewscreen, deadpan] [Observatory. The giant eye narrows irritably as the duelists refuse to play the game] MIKAGE: Fine. Sickeningly sozzled son of a-- MAMIYA'S VOICE: Oh, is it time again? Ooh, Mikage-sama sir, don't put your face up to the camera like that! The little zappy waves will cook your brain! [MIKAGE moves back enough for the rest of the Observatory to come into focus; he glowers at MAMIYA] MIKAGE: That's microwaves, Mamiya, and they don't really do that anyway. MAMIYA: But I read it in the Weekly World News! MIKAGE: Mamiya, that's the same paper that reports things like severed legs hopping all the way to the hospital on their own to be reattached, women claiming to have given birth to Elvis's reincarnation after being impregnated by Bigfoot, and demonically possessed kitchen appliances being exorcised by the Amazing Bat Boy, as predicted by Nostradamus. It's not exactly unimpeachable evidence of fact. MAMIYA: But . . . MIKAGE: Go to your room, Mamiya. [looking back at the Viewscreen] Hmm. Tenjou, Kiryuu, Arisugawa, and of course Ohtor . . . what's wrong with Ohtori? [SoR. AKIO is now standing on a table with his shirt off, singing "I'm Too Sexy". JURI is holding an empty brown glass bottle with an expression that indicates she's considering breaking it over his head] TOUGA: He's, uh, a bit delirious. Er . . . you might want to check the oxygen levels in the air up here. [Observatory] MIKAGE: I'll do that. In the meantime, I've got a deliciously tasteless little fic for you . . . just one chapter of a multi-part story, no less. Throw Ohtori into the drunk tank and push the button for "frappe". Must get him operational for this. [demented laughter] [SoR] UTENA: The . . . drunk tank? [a panel slides open in the wall; the room beyond isn't much bigger than a linen closet and has a paint scheme that looks like Jerry Garcia downed a huge hit of acid, went on eight roller coasters, then threw up in screamingly bright Technicolor all over every surface] MIKI: That's . . . just cruel . . . [TOUGA shows absolutely no hesitation in heaving AKIO into the room and sliding the panel shut; he examines the little control set next to the seam, smirks, and thumbs a button] UTENA: That was nasty, Touga. TOUGA: But it felt so nice. [ten minutes later, the panel slides open; AKIO, obviously stone-cold sober--and looking as if he wishes he weren't--stumbles out] JURI: Feeling better? AKIO: Nnrrrgh . . . [the lights and klaxons go off] UTENA: I'll do it this time. WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN! [the victims run for the doors] [Duelist's door sequence!] [6. It's the gate to the Arena. You try to open it, but you haven't got a Rose Seal ring. Finally, you pick the lock with a credit card and walk through.] [5. It's the spiral staircase from hell. You make it about halfway up before realizing there's an elevator and climbing in.] [4. The elevator stops about ten feet from the top. You walk halfway up the rest of the stairs, realize that you aren't getting a fancier outfit, and pause at the convenient basket placed on the stairs to sew on the decorations yourself.] [3. The archway at the top of the staircase. You accidentally glance over the side, suffer a violent attack of acrophobia, and cling to the side of the archway, whimpering for your mommy.] [2. You wait for the Rose Bride to place the rose on your chest, but first you have to help her pull the thorns off. Ow! Ow! Ow!] [1. The Rose Bride does her spiel and falls back over your arm; you draw the Sword of Dios from her chest and use it to hack down the final door into the theatre.] [the duelists take their seats--from left to right: TOUGA, UTENA, AKIO, and JURI] >Hi minna! I just thought I would send the first two parts of this >fic to you. UTENA: Oh, and we just can't thank you enough. Can you take it away now, too? >It will center around Wakaba and Saionji, TOUGA: And they're not here to suffer through it? Lucky. >yet Utena and Touga are also main characters as well, and this story >will also center around them. [pause] UTENA: So there's two centers? JURI: That doesn't read very well, does it? AKIO: It's just a preview of the awfulness that's careening toward us, I'm sure. >Just thought I would send a little something else to this list, JURI: I'd rather be on Schindler's list. It's more benevolent. TOUGA: What's her address? We can send her a little something too. Akio, you know how to make pipe bombs, right? AKIO: I can go one better. Napalm. MIKAGE'S VOICE: What have I said about "no author flames"? Especially of the *literal* sort. [AKIO and TOUGA grumble] >yet it will be hentai, starting with part three, so if that offends >you, feel free to delete this one. UTENA: Delete! Delete! Delete! JURI: I think this needs a bit of work . . . stating that she wanted to send something to a list and adding the caution about its content would look a bit better if it weren't run together in a single sentence. AKIO: Must you be so coolly logical, Juri? JURI: When did I give you permission to call me by my given name, Ohtori? AKIO: Touchy, touchy, Jur-- [there is a whistling sound, and the thin line of a fencing foil connects JURI's silhouette with AKIO's] JURI: That's "touche", Ohtori. AKIO: Uh . . . of course, Arisugawa-san. >Thanks! UTENA : No, thank *you*. [sigh] I already know this is going to hurt. >TITLE: Cypriene Lost [AKIO starts patting around on the floor] UTENA: What are you doing? AKIO: Lost my Cypriene somewhere. UTENA: What *is* a Cypriene? AKIO: Hell, I don't know. Ask the author. JURI: You really shouldn't put your hands on the floor. You don't know what's been down there. AKIO: Uh . . . I know what you mean. I think I might need some help getting my hand loose. It's stuck to the floor. TOUGA: By what? AKIO: I have no idea. And you know what? I'm not going to ask. [JURI and TOUGA manage to pull AKIO back upright in his chair with a disturbing wet sucking noise] UTENA: Gross. AKIO: You're telling *me*? I need a wet-nap. >PART: One UTENA: Enthusiasm: zero. >AUTHOR: Amy aka Roxanna JURI: Audience: cringing. TOUGA: What good's a pen name if you keep putting your own name in anyway? AKIO [scrubbing at his palm with a fistful of napkins]: Do you know how much I hate rhetorical questions? TOUGA: Very funny. >WARNINGS: TOUGA: Do not leave near unattended children. JURI: Fic is not a flotation device. UTENA: Not intended for internal use. AKIO: May cause genital inflammation-- [he gets no farther due to UTENA clipping him in the ear] >This particular part contains only adult situations, yet this fic >shall be of an erotic nature, and will contatin graphic/hentai >content in later chapters, particularly of a bondage type nature, yet >more so psychological, as well as physical. [long pause] UTENA: Did that make sense to anybody? AKIO: It's porn! Woo! UTENA: Akio, shut up. Anybody else? JURI: Needs editing to break up and clarify the run-on sentence, as well as correct the confusing phrase "this particular part contains only adult situations, yet..." etc. Presumably the author means "this part contains no adult situations". AKIO: Awww . . . UTENA: Akio, shut up. >DISCLAIMER: Shoujo Kakumei Utena and all characters are the property >of Chiho Saito, and Be-Papas, and are not mine. The title comes from >the poem "Paradise Lost", and the idea for this story is courtesy of >the movie "Dark Tide." This fanfic shall contain some same events >that took place in the movie, and some of the storyline, yet there >will also be parts of my own creation and design. UTENA: So it's sort of a crossover. JURI: Vaguely. AKIO: More like a long set of rip-offs, I'm guessing. >Commentary is always welcome. AKIO: Here's mine: "Can I get out of here?" MIKAGE'S VOICE: You should be so lucky. >Cypriene Lost > By Amy aka Roxanna > Part One JURI: Didn't she just say this previously? . . . > The rebel island of Cypriene was more wild and beautiful up >close, then she had ever first imagined. JURI: "Than". And the comma isn't needed. AKIO: Hmm. Sex on the beach? UTENA: You had *better* be mentioning an alcoholic drink, Akio. AKIO: I don't even want to think about alcohol right now. >Not only the heavy, salted air, but the lull and gurgle of the ocean >itself, yet the island was more lush and pendant with even more >natural beauty then Kyushu. JURI: "Yet" isn't the proper word to use in that context. The adverb "yet" indicates something *besides* what has already been mentioned, not in addition to what has already been mentioned. UTENA: You sound more like Miki than Miki does . . . JURI: It's a gift. TOUGA: "Lush and pendant"? It's got stuff dangling off of it? AKIO: I suspect that any comment I make here will get me punched in the head. UTENA: You're correct. >The people here were guarded over by several Japanese shogun and >other soldiers, TOUGA: Several *shogun*? Wha? JURI: Probably meant "daimyo". I have no idea why, though. UTENA: The island's called Cypriene? That sounds Greek . . . so why are there Japanese soldiers on it? AKIO: They got lost? >yet these people were different from the motherland. Tatsuya had >warned both she and Utena to be extremely careful. UTENA: She who? JURI: The preface mentioned Wakaba, and I can't think of anybody else who'd hang around with Tatsuya willingly. MIKAGE'S VOICE: You have no idea how correct you are, Arisugawa. That little boy's so pure of heart that Ivory soap looks like tar oil by comparison. > "Even I don't know all the laws here," She remembered hearing >him say, "but you two must keep yourselves as inconspicuous as >possible! JURI: Utena, stay inconspicuous? That'll be the day. UTENA: Hey! >Don't do anything that would make you stand out. I don't really know >the rules of the people that well, yet there are only very few women >here, AKIO: Guess there'll have to be an orgy, then! [ducking UTENA's swing at his head] TOUGA: This author's very fond of the word "yet". Even when it's not needed. >and I think there may be some type of reasoning behind this." JURI: There generally is, yes. Most decisions have reasons behind them, even when they're incomprehensible to normal people. UTENA: Such as the reason for this fic's existence. > Utena had given her husband a hard look. UTENA: Huh?! TOUGA: Utena, you married Tatsuya? . . . AKIO: Yeah, how could you? I'm a much sexier stud than that little weed! UTENA: Akio. AKIO: Yes, my dear? UTENA: Shut up. AKIO: Shutting up now. >Yet still, Wakaba knew she understood his words, even if she, herself, >did not. TOUGA: Join the club, Wakaba. I have no idea who's discussing whom now. JURI: I'd like to buy a proper noun, Pat . . . >Utena and Tatsuya had always been good friends, and Utena had made a >wonderful maid of honor at their wedding. UTENA: Oh. Tatsuya and Wakaba are married. That's cute! They make an adorable couple . . . JURI: If you simper, I'll slap you. TOUGA: Wait a second. A maid of honor is supposed to already be a married woman, right? So who-- UTENA: Speculation along this line will get you hit. >This would have been like a second honeymoon for them, but Wakaba felt >sorry for her best friend. TOUGA: I'd think Utena would already be set up with my sexy self . . . AKIO: In your dreams, rich boy. UTENA: *Both* of you can shut up. >Maybe Utena didn't want to admit it, or maybe she did *not* actually >care, AKIO: I vote for "didn't want to admit it." JURI: Doesn't actually care. AKIO: They're not talking about you, Jur--Arisugawa-san . . . >but Wakaba didn't want her to be lonely while they were gone away. TOUGA: See? If I'm there, she can't possibly be lonely. UTENA: Just *wishing* for loneliness. >She herself felt it only natural for a young, single woman to desire >the company of others. AKIO: Oh yeah. Lesbian orgy! Woo! UTENA: *Akio*! >Especially masculine companionship, and learning of the male to female >ratio here.... AKIO: Or more evenly balanced orgies are good too! Yeah! Gangbang! *Everybody* jump the queen! JURI: My God, he's going into hentai overdrive . . . [UTENA gets him by the ponytail, wrestles him around, and belts him smartly across the mouth] AKIO [holding his jaw]: Ow. Thank you. I think I needed that. UTENA: You're not the only one who thinks you needed that. Now be quiet. >The land was coming closer, growing larger the quicker they moved to >port. JURI: I wonder if the island's been used for nuclear testing? Sounds like it's rising up threateningly in response to an incoming ship . . . TOUGA: It's a kraken! UTENA: No, let's do it right. One, two, three . . . ALL [faking exaggerated bad dubbing]: AAAAIEEEE!! GOJIRA!! >And all along the docks, she could see nothing but workers, trudging >left to right, along the dusty expanse of the wooden planks. TOUGA: You vill valk ONLY in ze approved direction! Macht schnell! AKIO : That's the sound of the men working on the chain . . . gaaa-aang . . . >Older men, mostly, who led rough, hard lives. UTENA: Except for Jim Smith over at the left side. He's an investment consultant from Hoboken who's here on vacation. >The only women she could see were mostly elderly, surrounded with >ragged clothing, AKIO: Aren't they *wearing* anything? It sounds like a Salvation Army yard sale. >which covered them from head to foot. There weren't many of these, TOUGA: Weren't many what? Heads and feet? Good Lord, does this place abound with industrial accidents? >and she also noticed a few scattered children here and there, as well. JURI: Scattered children? Which pieces are scattered, exactly? TOUGA: Must be those industrial accidents striking again . . . UTENA: For some reason, I've got this mental image of the opening scene of the "X-Men" movie. It's probably your fault for doing the German impression, Touga. TOUGA: Jawohl, fraulein. Vould you like to inspect my carbine?--NOT THE FACE! [ducking away] > Utena's face seemed to brighten, upon greeting them. JURI: The role of Utena in this scene will be played by this 3000-watt floodlamp. > She was now trained as a full-time teacher, UTENA: I'm a what? Why would I be a teacher? AKIO: You can teach me-- UTENA: --how to shut up? AKIO: . . . that too. >and was planning on working with Cypriene's little ones, AKIO: Poor Utena. One would hope the men would be at least of *average* end-OW!!-ment . . . [pulling his ponytail frantically out of UTENA's hand] JURI: If there aren't many women, as previously mentioned, why the assumption that there would be any great number of children? For that matter, if this place is as much of an outpost of civilization as it seems, why the assumption that the children would have time for school instead of working alongside their parents? MIKAGE'S VOICE: Are you enjoying the chance to nitpick, Arisugawa? JURI: Immensely. It won't keep me from pounding you senseless, though. >while the three of them remained upon the land, most likely for a good, >solid two months. TOUGA: As opposed to a bad, unstable two months? UTENA: I'm getting the impression that it's going to be bad and unstable anyway. > Tatsuya handed the rough ropes [AKIO smirks. UTENA scowls at him in reflex] >of their boat's command AKIO: They've got the captain on a leash? >to a shirtless individual standing on dock, who's JURI: "Whose". >brown eyes passed once over the three of them, UTENA: . . . leaving a disgusting trail of ick before snapping back into their mutant owner's eyesockets with a wet smacking sound. JURI: Going with the nuclear testing theory, are we? >before securing her husband's vessel to a wooden post AKIO: Ouch! UTENA: Don't be disgusting! AKIO: What did I say?! UTENA: I could hear you thinking it, ecchi. JURI: Instead of using "her husband's vessel", it might read better as "their vessel" . . . >and dropping anchor. TOUGA: Er, why? Once you've got the boat tied at the dock, there's no real reason to use the anchor unless you're expecting tides or weather that could conceivably pull the ropes loose. >She wore a scarlet sundress, the tiny, yellow flowers highlighting her >hair, with two straps bound behind her neck, as Tatsuya had so loved. AKIO: Kinky. I didn't know Tatsuya was into bondage. [leaning away from UTENA's reflexive swing at his head] JURI: The sentence should at least begin with the person's *name*. >Her red, strap heels [AKIO leers until UTENA swats him] >clicked proudly upon the flat boards, TOUGA: As opposed to the spherical boards? UTENA: How, exactly, do shoes click "proudly"? JURI: Go watch "The Lord of the Dance". Michael Flatley exudes pride. Well, arrogance. >then making her remember that first elderly woman she had seen upon >arrival, and shivering, all of a sudden. UTENA: Wakaba's memory is jarred by the sound of her shoes? Seems like some kind of weird psychological association disorder. >She had not favored the look this darker woman had given her. Bold and >suspicious, and this frightened her to see. Just as the dock worker >was giving her now. TOUGA: I have a bad feeling about this. UTENA: No, *I* have a bad feeling about this . . . > Utena, for her part, wore light-shaded, jean shorts, fashionable >sandals and a white, tie top, ignoring the looks of several middle aged >men, which passed rather invitingly over her nimble frame and agile >body. JURI: Someone needs to smack the author's knuckles with a ruler every time she puts in an unnecessary comma. AKIO: Wouldn't that run the risk of breaking her fingers? JURI: This is bad how, exactly? MIKAGE'S VOICE: Quit that, Arisugawa. >Just what were the laws like here, anyway? AKIO: "Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law." UTENA: Thank you, Aleister Crowley. > Not long after arrival, Tatsuya had discovered both of his diving >partners and the home they would be occupying there. TOUGA: What, the diving partners are going to be living with them? JURI: This sounds more and more like an episode of "The Real World". UTENA: Or "Survivor". AKIO: Or "Temptation Beach"! UTENA: Shh. >An alabaster, three-story edifice of turn-of-the-century masonry. UTENA: What, the natives all live in driftwood shacks, but the guests stay in spiffy houses? TOUGA: Hail Britannia. >Breathtaking really, with such huge, open windows, admitting >bucketfulls of fresh, ocean air, day and night. AKIO: So it's more like breath*giving*, isn't it? JURI: How exactly do you measure a "bucketful" of air? >Each bed was draped in white linens and gauze, just like something out >of an erotic fantasy of the true, deserted island. UTENA: Sadly, this one's *not* deserted. More's the pity. JURI: You'd think that a deserted island wouldn't have such amenities as gauze-draped beds. >A paradise, and the perfect second honeymoon for both of them. TOUGA: Including the diving partners? Hmm. > Utena was getting settled in nicely, she noticed. Although alone, >Wakaba knew she was strong, and that she would do quite well here. JURI : Me Wakaba, you Utena. Ungh. [unexpectedly glomping UTENA] UTENA: AAAAH!! GET OFF ME!! [flails hysterically without dislodging JURI] AKIO: Oh *yeah*! Now we're talking! [wolf-whistle] TOUGA: Uh, Juri, um, what, er, are you, ahh, doing? JURI: Scaring the lot of you. [letting go and sitting back down, smoothing her jacket] >Besides, Utena was already decorating her coveted area AKIO: Yes, her "area" *is* coveted! And decorated? Wow! Henna? Little stick-on jewels? Elaborately shaved desi--AAIGH!! [UTENA gets him by the ponytail and pummels him until JURI and TOUGA break it up] >with keepsakes from home. Seashell lanters and other ceramic items. TOUGA: "Lanterns". JURI: She's carrying themed knick-knacks? Odd. I never would have thought it of you, Utena. UTENA: That's not me up there. I can already say *that*. >Wakaba really thought they would grow to love it here. AKIO: Yes, Wakaba really *is* that naive . . . > * * * > > Tatsuya made love very gently to her that night. She had spent >five months married to her childhood sweetheart, and they were >wonderful months, ALL: Awww. How sweet. >yet she could not help but wonder now, if there might be something more >for her out there. TOUGA: You're getting good sex with someone you care deeply for. How does it get better? UTENA: Why, Touga, that was a surprising comment coming from you. TOUGA: Well, the answer to the question is "getting good sex with four or five people you--" [UTENA belts him] >Why did she feel this way? She adored her husband. There was nothing >lacking in their relationship. AKIO: Ten bucks says that Wakaba's secret fantasies involve whips, chains, Crisco, and ball bearings. UTENA: *Ball bearings*? AKIO: Would you like a dissertation? UTENA: NO! >His warm smile and gentle hands were all that mattered to her. The >very center of her universe. TOUGA : Obsession. By Calvin Klein. >Still, why did she feel so empty, suddenly, laying beside him? As if >she were lying next to the shallow husk of a human being, and not the >entire living body, itself? AKIO : Necrophilia. By Wakaba Shi--*ow*! [UTENA gives his ponytail a violent yank] > After tossing and turning for another half-hour, she JURI: . . . basted herself thoroughly with melted butter and climbed into an oven, preheated to 400 degrees, for fifteen minutes or until golden brown. UTENA: Um . . . JURI: Sorry, started thinking about cooking class. >rose and left her sleeping husband, to seek the still wakened Utena, AKIO: For some hot two-girl ACK!!tion! [dodging UTENA's punch] >who rested her arms upon the open windowsill, the soft, night air >blowing gently through her long, luxurious hair. TOUGA: That's a lovely image . . . UTENA: Too bad it's another run-on sentence. >The floorboards squealed loudly, revealing her quiet prescence, JURI: "Presence". And it's not all that quiet when the floorboards are that noisy. AKIO: Wonder what the bedframes are like? UTENA: Akio . . . >and Utena turned with a smile, her entire manner calm and relaxed. > "It's beautiful here." She said. JURI: Replace the first period with a comma and drop the capitalization. Utena's not a deity. TOUGA: I disagree . . . JURI: Kiss-ass. TOUGA: That's not what I'd like to be kissing. UTENA: Touga? TOUGA: Yes? UTENA: Shut up. >"I can't wait to see the rest of it tomorrow. The children also." > "You're happy here then?" Wakaba asked, UTENA: It hasn't even been twenty-four hours yet. Who would know? >hands bound before her, AKIO: Whoa! When did the bondage start and why didn't anybody tell me? >yet Utena took in a deep breath, letting this out amiably, as she raised >her eyes. JURI: This author really likes using the word "yet" when there's absolutely no need to. UTENA: How do you exhale "amiably", anyway? AKIO: I consider orgasmic screams to qualify for that description. > "Wonderful." She said. JURI: See above, re: incorrect punctuation and capitalization. >"The perfect chance to get away from the worries of our homeland for >awhile. TOUGA : It's a pretty good crowd for a Saturday/and the manager gives me a smile/'Cause he knows that it's me they've been coming to see/ To forget about life for a while . . . AKIO: Gee, Touga, I didn't know you'd taken up house prostitution. UTENA: Akio, shut up already. >Though I think I'll probably be teaching all boys here, you >know? TOUGA: That'll be the happiest classroom ever . . . AKIO: My question is, what's she going to be teaching them? UTENA: Perverts. >I didn't see one girl among them." > Come to think of it, that was all Wakaba had seen as well. Men, >everywhere here. This rebel island, distant from the motherland, where >the inhabitants played by their own rules. AKIO: Is it just me, or does this last sentence read like the blurb for a Francis Ford Coppola movie? >Still, she had probably not looked closely enough. Women had to exist >here as well....didn't they? UTENA: Generally, yes, or there wouldn't be children. Unless this is going to turn into a sci-fi horror story where we find out that the islanders have been cloning themselves, or alien pod people have taken over. > "This island seems to have a shortage of them." Wakaba said then, >nodding her head once in agreement. > "And did you notice the way they looked at us?" Utena followed. TOUGA: Followed where? AKIO: Road trip! >"There were soldiers everywhere I turned. JURI: Well, if it's a rebellious sort of place, wouldn't you expect the military to be hanging around? >I only saw one woman, yet she gave me the same cruel looks they did. As >if I were a whore from some back alley. UTENA: I have a bad feeling about this. >All of them...." > "Tatsuya takes us on the boat tomorrow!" Wakaba exclaimed, TOUGA: Ding! Wakaba's attention span is up! Next topic! AKIO: Tatsuya's taking them on the boat? Wow, sex aboard ship . . . UTENA: You know, Akio, I'm getting tired of hitting you. AKIO: Really? UTENA [pauses to consider]: Nah. [smacking him] >trying to change the subject, which always made her feel queasy and >nervous. UTENA: So the subject of an island population composed mostly of men, all of whom are prone to lascivious leering at visiting women, comes up often enough to qualify for "always" making Wakaba skittish? TOUGA: Nod and smile. >"You can come with us too, AKIO: Threesome! UTENA: Pervert! >and hold off teaching for another day or so." JURI: Which "us" was Wakaba referring to, if she *didn't* already include Utena in the comment previously? TOUGA: It's a mystery. > A knock at the door arrested their attention. AKIO: This is the Attention Police! Up against the wall! You have the right to remain silent, except when moaning in orgasm . . . UTENA: Akio. *You* have the right to remain silent, except for the thudding of my baseball bat against your empty head. AKIO: Shutting up now. >Wakaba left to answer it, yet Utena followed close behind. JURI: Enough with the superfluous use of the word "yet"! >There was a guard standing there, in full Japanese uniform dress. TOUGA: Wow. Akio was right about the Attention Police! >An older man; shorter yet gruff and somewhat husky, as if he were of >foreign descent, arms folded resolutely across his chest. JURI: I think I ought to be allowed to stab the author once for every unnecessary use of "yet". MIKAGE'S VOICE: That's enough of that, Arisugawa. JURI: Tell *her* that. > "Your husband, please." He said to her, as calmly as if the words >had been set in stone. AKIO : I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that. TOUGA : What's the problem? AKIO : I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do. TOUGA : What are you talking about, HAL? AKIO : This mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it. > "My husband has gone to bed." She said, as friendly as could be, >or so she thought. JURI: In all actuality, she was screaming obscenities at the man and hitting him with a two-by-four. But in her medication-induced little world, all was gentle and polite . . . >"Can I help you?" > "Your husband, Kazami-san. UTENA: Uh-oh. Record's stuck. AKIO : I'm afraid. I'm afraid, Dave. Dave, my mind is going. I can feel it. I can feel it . . . JURI: We knew *your* mind was going, Akio. >No matter, however. I shall speak with him tomorrow night. Here, on >Cypriene, we do not allow our women to speak for their husbands, even as >this might be permissable on the mainland, itself. UTENA: Clue number one, jerk . . . we're not "your women". JURI: Clue number two . . . at least a woman would have better grammar. >Good night to you both." > With those words, he turned to leave. Utena was about to say >something, AKIO: Probably with four-letter words. Or a baseball bat. >when Wakaba stopped her by placing one hand in the air for silence. TOUGA: That reads oddly. [sticking his hand up in the air] Damn, the fic's still going. > "Just let him go." She said. > "How can you stand there and let him tell us that?" She fumed, her >face flustered with anger and wounded pride. "Whatever he had to say, >any one of us should suffice! It's not like we're too stupid to >remember!" JURI: Think of it this way . . . he's too stupid to say it. UTENA: I like that. > "Sssh, please don't wake Tatsuya!" Wakaba whispered, trying to >remain calm. It was all true, what Utena was saying, but still... > "You're right. TOUGA: About what? I didn't see her making any statements of fact. >Sorry Wakaba." UTENA: Yeah, this version of Wakaba *is* pretty sorry. Pfft. > Utena felt guilty now, which made Wakaba feel even worse. Yet, she >herself was more the traditional woman. JURI: Read as "doormat". >She did not take the guard's request to be too difficult to understand, >if not a little shocking. Utena had been outraged. > "What were you saying?" Utena continued, bringing up the old topic >as if nothing had ever happened. "Tatsuya is taking us on the boat?" AKIO: Shipboard orgies! Woo! [getting his ponytail hastily out of UTENA's reach] > "Yes, while he hunts for eels." [long pause] UTENA: Tatsuya the eel-hunter. God, what an exciting career. AKIO: I don't recall Ohtori giving classes in *that*. TOUGA: Obviously it's in an alternate reality. A very stupid one, sad to say. >Wakaba answered. "And he promised to feed us tomorrow night, so you >don't have to worry about any of those chores, either. UTENA: Why the hell would I? The "traditional woman" can bloody well cook! >It's the only restaurant, but he says it's fairly clean and cozy there. >He also says they play music!" JURI : How thrilling. > This was good, finally. Something both of them might enjoy, she >hoped. Island music. AKIO: "Copacabana" on an endless, brain-destroying loop. >Dancing. TOUGA: Fat, pasty tourists in tacky grass skirts attempting the hula. >There, they could finally show that rude officer a thing or two about >"mainland" women. UTENA: Like what? That we're all hussies who get up and shake booty at the least provocation? Oh yeah, that'll make a great impression. AKIO: It makes a good impression on me! UTENA: Keep going, and the only good impression I'll be worried about making on you is getting all my knuckles to show up on the bruises. > "Wakaba, I..." > "What is it, Utena?" UTENA: I'd've told you if you hadn't interrupted me! >She asked, noting how her friend's expression had changed, somewhat. A >gray cloud had surfaced there, JURI: I didn't know Utena could produce fog from her face. UTENA: Only when I laugh in the middle of drinking a soda. And that makes my sinuses *hurt*. >(doubt? fear?) and Wakaba wondered at what her next words would be. > "I saw a familiar face, today." She finished, the same nervous >despair rushing over Wakaba's withdrawn expression. TOUGA: I think both of these girls are suffering from clinical depression and paranoid. I mean, they get all twitchy and despairing at the drop of a hat. >Utena never dated, so it coudn't be an ex. She had no enemies that >Wakaba knew of... UTENA: It's the ones you *don't* know of that ought to worry you. > "Who is that?" Wakaba asked her, fearing the answer for some >strange reason. As if Utena knew more than she was about to tell, and >would still be holding a colossal secret, which would later destroy them >both. AKIO: Does anybody else notice that this is starting to take a kind of Lovecraftian turn? All of this creepy secretive behavior . . . feelings of nameless dread . . . TOUGA: Watch, Tatsuya will find the ruins of Ry'leh while hunting eels. Or else mistake Cthulhu for a really big calamari appetizer. > "I'm not really sure, but I think that I recognized one of the >guards here. A man that I had seen for a couple of months, before we >made the decision to come here." > Wakaba was dumbfounded. Why did her best friend never tell her >this? UTENA: That's a really good question. > "You dated someone and never told me?" Wakaba asked her, a smile >alighting cheerfully once again, on her tiny face. JURI: I'd hope her *face* would be the part that's smiling. Any other part would be kind of creepy. >Just two girls at a slumber party, discussing boys, sex and evil >teachers at school, once again. > "It's not that innocent," Utena said to her then, TOUGA: It's not that innocent? When did she originally imply it was somehow innocent? Does this fic ever make any freakin' sense?! AKIO: Probably not. >and Wakaba's face again fell. JURI: . . . shattering on the floor and necessitating an hour of work with superglue to repair. >"He was training, when I first saw him. TOUGA: And this explains why she didn't tell Wakaba *how*, exactly? >I think I had had some deeper feelings for him, but....I don't really >want to talk about it, tonight. Besides, we're supposed to enjoy >ourselves here, aren't we? UTENA: With the attitudes evinced by the locals thus far, I'd say the answer is "no". >And it probably wasn't him, anyway." > Thus stated, Wakaba was satisfied. She left Utena to her musings, >now re-entering her own room and noting Tatsuya's sleeping form under >the blankets. AKIO: Sadly, Tatsuya wasn't asleep . . . he lay in the dark, fondling the fileting knife, the sinister emanations of the isle feeding the dark hidden jealousy that simmered in his heart . . . oh yes, his dear wife and her friend were simply inseparable . . . UTENA: If you keep going in that vein, Akio, I will stick your face to the horrible horrible floor in here. AKIO: Sorry. >So good to her, he was. Always kind, and concerned for her welfare, as >a proper husband should be. And she tried to be a good wife, even >though she knrew Utena thought she did too much, sometimes. JURI: It's one thing to do his laundry, but hand-scrubbing the skid marks out of his tighty-whities was quite another . . . UTENA: Gross! >To her, it was important, and Utena understood, even as both girls were >on two different wavelengths, in the sexual arena. TOUGA: Have you noticed, that in almost every sentence, there's this inexplicable, overuse of commas? JURI: I was trying to ignore it by now. >Wakaba valued her friend for her strength, but did not seek any, herself. UTENA: No, she was quite content to have to ask for help opening jars! >And perhaps, in her secret heart of hearts, she wished for Tatsuya to be >somewhat rougher with her, sometimes. AKIO: Wakaba's a closet submissive! >More forceful and demanding.....sometimes. JURI: Other times, she wanted to dress up in leather and spike heels and flog him with a riding crop, screaming "CALL ME QUEEN!" AKIO: Uh . . . wow. Juri, would you-- JURI: No. Don't even finish the thought. >Yet when she felt so, she remembered her mother's valuable words. To >always, always be careful what you wished for. UTENA: If only she'd follow that advice. > That was surely the truth, was it not? For in the end, one was >always granted what one asked for and deserved. AKIO: Ten bucks says that she'll get raped. Probably by Saionji. Or else a full-blown gang-bang by about a dozen guys. UTENA: Ugh. > ~ end part one ~ TOUGA: It's over? IT'S OVER! OUT!! [the duelists exit the theatre] [Duelist's door sequence . . . in reverse!] [1. You hand the Sword of Dios back to the Rose Bride and tell her you had a wonderful time.] [2. You suddenly remember your opponent. Thinking quickly, you point past him and shout "Look! It's Dios!" When he turns to look, you yank the rose off his chest.] [3. The acrophobia doesn't bother you this time, because you're busy reeling around deafened by the bells tolling your victory.] [4. Stopping at the basket, you snip your hasty stitches and return the decorations before getting back into the elevator to descend.] [5. The elevator stops--nearer the bottom this time--and you stroll down the remaining stairs.] [6. You try to reclose the gate properly, but the rippling water in the reservoir suddenly reminds you of all the soda you had before the fic, and you make a hasty exit to run for the lavatory.] [SoR bridge. The duelists slump onto all available surfaces and glare at the Viewscreen even before it lights up, showing MIKAGE's leering grin.] UTENA: Bad. Bad. Bad. If there was any character development to speak of, I couldn't see it. What I *did* see was related to a flaming car wreck. JURI: Shall we first discuss the overuse of the word "yet"? Or the bad punctuation? How about the run-on sentences? AKIO: No sex. Pass me that bottle, Touga. TOUGA [passing over another brown glass bottle]: What was this supposed to be? Gilligan's Island Goes to Hell? [MIKAGE's lips move, but there's no sound. The duelists stare at the screen, puzzled for a few seconds, before MIKI emerges from under the console on a creeper and holds up a snipped bit of wire. This provokes much laughter and merriment, against the backdrop of MIKAGE's increasingly aggravated expression. MIKAGE is replaced by MAMIYA, who waves cheerfully, right up to the point when MIKAGE straightarms him into the Button] *PWOOSH!* MIKAGE : I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME! QUIT IGNORING ME . . . Disclaimers and Legalese (in case you missed them the first time around) Original story written by: Roxanne Ohtori MSTing written by: Chris Rain Mystery Science Theater 3000 is owned by Best Brains, Inc. All "Revolutionary Girl Utena"/"Shoujo Kakumei Utena" characters are the property of B-Papas, Chiho Saito, TV Tokyo, Shonenn Iinkai, Software Sculptors, Central Park Media Corporation, and any other companies or individuals holding legal claim to them. I have used them here without permission, but hopefully I will not be viciously sued, as I will not be able to buy any more cool merchandise if I'm broke. ^_^ Comments may be sent to: rainclash@yahoo.com You can send negative comments, too, but I prefer more civilized discourse as befits mature adults in this society. Nyaaaaah!! Visit the Satellite of Revolution at its very own website! http://www.mindspring.com/~khabal/rst3k.htm Visit the Utena Encyclopedia! Translated scripts, song lyrics, images, episode synopses, character profiles, links, and more! http://www.duellists.tj Visit Mokushiroku.net! Downloads, wallpapers, Winamp skins, even music videos! http://mokushiroku.net/utena/index.html >Her red, strap heels clicked proudly upon the flat boards,