REVOLUTIONARY SCIENCE THEATRE 3000 Episode 108: "Revolutionary Girl Asuka" Written by: Furikake MSTed by: Chris Rain (rainclash@yahoo.com) This is a MSTing of a story written by Furikake. No insult, injury, infringement, or painful debilitating illness is intended by this MSTing. I do this because (a) it's fun and (b) I have lots of time and imagination on my hands. MST3K is owned by Best Brains, Inc. All "Revolutionary Girl Utena"/"Shoujo Kakumei Utena" characters are the property of B-Papas, Chiho Saito, TV Tokyo, Shonenn Iinkai, Software Sculptors, Central Park Media Corporation, and possibly a partridge in a pear tree, though the latter is dicey to prove under law. ^_^ Reading this MST can be greatly helped by having at least a passing familiarity with the series; if you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it. (Shameless plug requirements met. Onward!) [SoR Bridge. The room is decorated with tinsel and lights, and a somewhat forlorn-looking Christmas tree is standing in the corner. The duelists have built a fire in a trash can and are toasting marshmallows over it] MIKI: Are you *sure* this isn't a fire-code violation? AKIO: Kaoru, we're in outer space. I don't think the fire department is going to care. TOUGA: NASA might, but if they show up to complain, we'll just give them some s'mores and it'll be all good. [the message light starts blinking] UTENA: I'll get it. [she hands her skewer to JURI and gets up to hit the button. The Viewscreen lights up] [Observatory. The entire place looks like Liberace did the Christmas decorating; MIKAGE, in the foreground, is scowling (probably with good reason at this point)] MIKAGE: What are you people *doing*? [SoR] TOUGA: We're making s'mores. Did you want one? [Observatory] MIKAGE [almost in a state of apoplexy]: You have a FIRE going in a TRASH CAN! Are you people *crazy*?! [MAMIYA scoots into view, holding a couple of packages] MAMIYA: Look, Mikage-sama sir! You got birthday presents! MIKAGE: . . . what? My birthday was November thirtieth. MAMIYA: Something about a time lag. Here you go! [SoR. The duelists look at each other] JURI: Someone gave Mikage birthday presents? TOUGA: I'm not terribly surprised. For some reason, the little pink-haired freak has quite a fanbase. AKIO: Not quite as much as *I* do, though. [smirk] TOUGA: Or I. [glares at AKIO] [Observatory. MIKAGE is now sitting down in a big La-Z-Boy recliner, looking completely irritated at having a little "Happy Birthday" hat on his head. MAMIYA hovers next to him eagerly] MAMIYA: Open them, Mikage-sama sir! MIKAGE: Hmph. First one is from . . . "Ayu Ohseki of Club YAOI"? [he pulls off the paper and blinks] Whipped cream and maraschino cherries?! [SoR. The duelists almost drop their skewers laughing] UTENA: Someone read that fanfic, I see! TOUGA [hiccuping]: Smiley face . . . [Observatory] MIKAGE: Will you people be *quiet*! [he picks up the second box, having put the other one aside as if it were full of plutonium, and opens it up] MAMIYA: Oooh, look! Kawaii! It's a bunch of little plushies! [he picks up a couple. They are, indeed, cute little plush dolls of the cast] MIKAGE: Hm. There's a card. [reading it out loud] "O-tanjoubi, Mikage-sama! Sorry about the whole whipped cream thing, couldn't resist. *This* gift is a collection of plushies of everyone important in Ohtori, and a box of pins. Let's see if voodoo works! Ooh, as a thank-you for your loving fan, make Akio be the test run? Onegaaaai! Oh yes, and you'll note that *your* plushie is missing; I'm afraid I kept that one for myself... Love, Your adoring fan Ayu". [SoR] AKIO: *Voodoo*?! UTENA: You were saying something funny about your fanbase, Akio? [Observatory] MIKAGE [still reading]: "P.S. Ne ne, Mikage-sempai, did you know that Anthy is actually Mamiya you know, and that the *real* Mamiya died a long time ago?" [long pause as MIKAGE looks at MAMIYA, who's wearing a slightly strained-looking smile] MIKAGE: That's an amusing notion. I think there might be some kind of lead-based dye in the plushies if she actually *believes* that, though. MAMIYA [not quite sighing in relief]: What a silly idea, huh, Mikage-sama sir? MIKAGE: Very. [picking up the Akio plushie and eyeing the long, wicked-looking pins thoughtfully] Hmm. Ohtori? [SoR. AKIO is still ranting about his faithful fanbase] TOUGA: You might as well do it, Souji. [Observatory. MIKAGE smiles a slow, evil smile, picks up a pin, and stabs the doll in a somewhat delicate location] [SoR. AKIO stops in mid-rant and doubles over, clutching at his "area" with a shriek] UTENA: I'll be darned. Voodoo *does* work! JURI: On cute little plushies, no less. I'm slightly disturbed by that. [Observatory. MIKAGE is grinning psychotically] MIKAGE: Well, now! This is very interesting! Hmm . . . because I feel grateful, I think that I'll permit Miss Tenjou to sit out on the little Christmas gift I'm sending up. [SoR] JURI: Why let Utena sit out? [Observatory] MIKAGE: Because she's the star. And she needs a break anyway. She was the one shotgunning things in the Holocabana for the past week. This fic would probably cause her to take the guns *outside* the Holocabana and start picking off people instead. [he casually tosses the plushie with the pin through its dainty bits onto the console] [SoR. AKIO rolls around on the floor in the fetal position, clutching himself and making incoherent noises] JURI: So what *is* this fic? [she puts an arm out to push AKIO away from the trash can, since he's rolling a bit too close to it now] [Observatory] MIKAGE: You'll find out. [he leans back in the La-Z-Boy and smirks] Mamiya, send the fic! MAMIYA: You got it, Mikage-sama sir! [he hits the fic-sender button and discreetly pulls the pin out of the Akio plushie's groin] [SoR. Lights, klaxons, etc] MIKI: WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIIIIGN!! AKIO [struggling to his feet, wheezing]: Gonna . . . *kill* . . . Souji . . . JURI: Save it, Ohtori. [TOUGA has to help AKIO down the hall. UTENA remains behind, toasting marshmallows and humming faintly] [Duelist's door sequence!] [6. It's the gate to the Arena. You try to open it, but you haven't got a Rose Seal ring. Finally, you pick the lock with a credit card and walk through.] [5. It's the spiral staircase from hell. You make it about halfway up before realizing there's an elevator and climbing in.] [4. The elevator stops about ten feet from the top. You walk halfway up the rest of the stairs, realize that you aren't getting a fancier outfit, and pause at the convenient basket placed on the stairs to sew on the decorations yourself.] [3. The archway at the top of the staircase. You accidentally glance over the side, suffer a violent attack of acrophobia, and cling to the side of the archway, whimpering for your mommy.] [2. You wait for the Rose Bride to place the rose on your chest, but first you have to help her pull the thorns off. Ow! Ow! Ow!] [1. The Rose Bride does her spiel and falls back over your arm; you draw the Sword of Dios from her chest and use it to hack down the final door into the theatre.] [the duelists take their seats--from left to right: TOUGA, JURI, AKIO, and MIKI] AKIO: Gonna *kill* him . . . TOUGA: I'm sure you will. Him being a figment of your imagination and all. >Revolutionary Girl Asuka AKIO: . . . huh? JURI: This does not bode well . . . >(by Furikake) > >A cross over of Utena and Neon Genesis [ALL groan] MIKI: A *crossover*? TOUGA: Look on the bright side, Miki. If we've been sent into the Neon Genesis universe, you might wind up piloting an EVA. I think you'd do nicely in Unit-01. MIKI: No, *thank* you. >Intro: Once a princess wept at the grave of her mother, abandoned by >her father. AKIO: One line into this thing and we're already hearing about social injustices. JURI: What are you talking about, Akio? AKIO: Well, we're starting out with a "throwaway" child. TOUGA: Anything like a disposable lighter? JURI: Keep up the attitude and I'll flick your Bic, Touga. >She was befriended by a prince who gave her a rose ring, MIKI: The maid's going to be upset. JURI: Oh? MIKI: How easy is it to get a rose ring out of the bathtub? Most tubs are white. AKIO: You *would* be fixated on bathtubs. >saying they'd meet again. MIKI : Somewhere, over the rainbow . . . JURI: That prince just keeps turning up. Like a bad penny. >So impressed by him, she decided to be a prince who wouldn't need to >depend on others, so strong that she could protect a princess. TOUGA: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman. AKIO: I'm not surprised you said that. TOUGA [smirking]: You're just upset that you didn't say it first. >But was that a good idea? ALL: Hell no! MIKI: If it was, then there wouldn't be any story. AKIO: Shame, isn't it? >Asuka walked unto the school grounds, smiling to herself. MIKI: As opposed to smiling to someone else? How *does* one "smile to oneself," exactly? TOUGA: Mirrors. >She was dressed in pretty uniform that was a boy's uniform, but >accesorized to look like something like a soldier's uniform with >pretty shorts to show off her legs. TOUGA : She's got legs, she knows how to use them . . . JURI: Three uses of the word "uniform" in one sentence seems a bit . . . excessive. MIKI: Same goes for her legs. JURI: We *all* have those freakish long legs, Miki. It's shoujo anime. [the Satellite shudders violently] >One of the teachers had of course challenged her dress, MIKI: Dress? They just got done making a big deal out of her boy's uniform with shorts, and now they mention a dress? JURI: However, with only its wits and a handy broom, the dress was able to knock the rose from the teacher's chest, thereby becoming the new Victor. AKIO: One hell of a dress, Arisugawa. >but she had pointed out that the rule book didn't say that she had to >wear a girl's school uniform, just a school uniform. AKIO: Whoops, sorry. The student manual has a typo. That actually should be "no school uniform". JURI: Akio, that's disgusting. Even you couldn't get away with *that*. >"Hi, Asuka." yelled some of the girls. TOUGA: What is this, some sort of AA meeting? MIKI: But Tenjou-kun doesn't have a drinking problem. TOUGA: I was thinking more along the lines of "Anime Anonymous" . . . [the Satellite bobs again] >She waved at them. [ALL wave back] >It's good to be popular, she thought. JURI: It certainly beats being a poplar, that's for sure. AKIO: Look who's talking. You're the one with the name that means "tree bark", Arisugawa. JURI: Keep it up, Akio, and I'll give Kanae something to cry about. >She walked into the school hallway, when she noticed a beautiful >garden full of roses. She smelled the scent. TOUGA: As opposed to seeing or feeling the scent? AKIO : Whoooaaaa . . . the *colors* . . . I can taste them . . . >Hmmm, it smells just like MIKI: --teen spirit! >the roses from the funeral, she thought. AKIO: That's Asuka for you. Always thinking such positive, upbeat, optimistic things. >She looked at her rose ring. MIKI: Technically, it's a rose seal ring. JURI: Ring around the rosie, a pocket full of posies, ashes to ashes, dust to dust. TOUGA: Hell of a transition there, Juri. JURI: Well, she was just thinking of a funeral, so . . . >Then she noticed a blue-haired girl in regular school uniform >watering the roses. Hikari ran up to her. MIKI: Bit of a nonsequitur there. TOUGA: "Let there be light," and there was light . . . and it was kind of skinny and gawky with bad hair. >Asuka said, "Hi, Hikari. Who's that watering the roses?" >"You don't know? That's Rei Ayanami-Himemiya. TOUGA: Say *that* three times fast. AKIO: Yup, that's the Rose Bride. Rei Ayanami-Himemiya-Manamanamana. MIKI: Do do do do do! JURI: *Rei Ayanami*? That's only vaguely fitting. At least Anthy can produce a facial expression. >Most people just call her Himemiya. TOUGA: For fairly obvious reasons, I'd say. >Oh, look, there's Touji." >They watched as he scolded Rei, then slapped her so she fell on the >ground. AKIO: Then Gendo had him shot. >"Damn, that's harsh," said Asuka. She said that mostly because it >surprised her so much and it offended her sense of justice. JURI: Really? I thought she said it just because she felt like swearing. >"That boy is in need of a comeuppance." TOUGA: And perhaps a tuppence as well. MIKI: Or even a ha'penny! >Hikari said doubtfully, "I wonder if they have had some sort of >quarrel." JURI: Well, she's not the swiftest thing in the school. Rei just got whacked to the ground and she's not sure they were in a quarrel? MIKI: Tough love? TOUGA : Tainted love, I've got to get away . . . AKIO: I think I need to talk to the board about their admittance policies. JURI: This just *now* occurred to you? >"Even so, it's too much." They were walking down the hall when they >saw everyone crowded around something. MIKI : I was strolling down the hall one day, in the merry merry month of May . . . AKIO: The mall must be having one hell of a sale for a crowd like that. TOUGA: That or they're showing off the latest plugsuit designs. Rowr! JURI: Down, boy. >Asuka pushed her way to the front and saw that it was a love letter >Hikari had sent to Touji. MIKI: . . . why? JURI: Might as well ask why anyone writes love letters to Saionji. TOUGA: "Dear abusive git, I find your bad temper and aggressive arrogance exciting. Please come slap me around instead of Himemiya." >She ripped it down, but then saw Hikari run away in tears. "Hikari, >Hikari!" That does it, Asuka thought, I'm going to teach him a >lesson. She clenched both her hands into two tight fists. JURI: As opposed to her clenching both her hands into four tight fists? AKIO: Tonight, the role of Kali, Hindu Goddess of Destruction, will be played by Asuka. TOUGA: That's strangely fitting. >Asuka ran to the fencing room where Touji was practicing with his >sword. AKIO: Wonder how many "dummies" Touji was using for his practicing? TOUGA: I'd be using three . . . JURI: Wrong "sword", guys. >"Were you the one who tacked that love letter by Hikari on the wall >for everyone to say?" AKIO : Oh, say can you see . . . MIKI: That's precisely the point. You can tack a letter to the wall for people to see, but to *say*? TOUGA: Maybe they were reading aloud? "Hukd on fonix werkd fer mee!" >"What of it? Incho keeps yelling at me and following me around." TOUGA : But Mommy said I couldn't keep Incho when she followed me home . . . MIKI: Who's "Incho"? AKIO: I think Touji is having some issues related to his penis. JURI: Akio, don't be disgusting. >What a bully, she thought. AKIO: I didn't think that "bully" was spelled "a-s-s-h-o-l-e." TOUGA: Maybe it's German. Who knows? >"I challenge you to a duel." She grabbed a wooden training sword from >the nearby rack and said, "En garde, bastard." JURI : Pardon my French, and all. >Touji saw the rose ring on her ring finger and said, "Where did you >get that?" TOUGA : It came with my Cracker Jacks. >"Someone gave it to me when I was young, why?" AKIO : I got mine out of a crane game. Ha! TOUGA : I used to be Game Machine Joe in another lifetime. And another series. [the Satellite shudders wildly] MIKAGE'S VOICE: That's enough of THAT, thank you! >"I have that same ring." He showed her a ring that was identical to >hers. JURI: This helped explain why he'd never been able to get his ring off. It's too small. >"You must be the new duellist." >"I don't know what the hell you're talking about." >"I'll fight you. Meet me at the arena behind the school after school. TOUGA: Who's talking? . . . MIKI: I would think that behind the school would be after the school. JURI: And I know a couple of people here who are always after the behinds at school. [gives AKIO and TOUGA a cool look] [AKIO and TOUGA do their best to look innocent] >There's a path that'll show you the way." AKIO : There's also a path that'll take you to Big Billy Bob's All-You-Can-Eat BBQ Bar. Try to ignore that. >Kaji, Misato and Ritsuko were observing all this from afar. TOUGA: Say *what*? AKIO: I'm having trouble picturing this. I suppose Kaji would be macking on both of them, and Misato would be kneeing him in the groin in between beers . . . >Kaji said, "If it can not break out of its egg's shell, a chick will >die without being born. AKIO : And man, that would be such a waste of a chick! Hey, Misato, how about-- JURI : Shut up, Kaji, you pig! >We are the chick. The world is our egg. If we don't crack the world's >shell, we will die without being born. Smash the world's shell for >the Revolution of the World." [ALL chant along with the speech] AKIO: Yada, yada, yada . . . >She found her way to the door, which opened to show a huge rose. AKIO : Just look what's behind Door Number Three! >She found a huge spiral staircase. Damn, she thought, it's a long way >just to fight. TOUGA: As if Asuka wouldn't go farther to get into a fight. AKIO: "I'd walk a mile to smite an Angel!" MIKI: Something like that. >She noticed something on the way to the top that she had never seen >from school. In the sky was an upside down city full of skyscrapers. >What the hell is that, she thought. MIKI: The Geofront, what else? >At the top, she saw Touji and Rei standing there. Rei was in a fancy >blue dress and a tiara, looking impassive. JURI: This is different from her usual demeanor in *what* way, exactly? >Asuka stared at them in confusion. "What is Rei doing here?" AKIO: She's looking impassive. Can't you read? >"She's the Rose Bride. She belongs to the person who wins her. They >say that whoever wins her gains the power to revolutionize the world. >That is after you've fought off all the duellists." AKIO: Gotta duel 'em all, gotta duel 'em all! JURI: A shame I don't have a Pikachu for you to sit on, Akio. [AKIO shrieks and lunges out of the seat, grabbing at his backside. A small screen pops into view at one corner of the fic display; MIKAGE, grinning, is holding the plush doll and stabbing a pin into its fanny] MIKAGE: Will that do, Miss Arisugawa? JURI: Perfectly. Thank you, Souji. [MIKAGE smirks and pulls the pin out of the plushie; AKIO groans and eases back down into his chair, glaring as the little screen disappears again] >"She's not your girlfriend? She's someone you won?" TOUGA : I said before that I've got good luck with those little crane games, right? >said Asuka. "I didn't come up here to win a person. I came here to >avenge my friend's honor, you baka. What is that city above us?" MIKI: A hallucination brought on by doing Angel dust. >"I don't know. I think it's a mirage." he said. "It's one of those >things I guess neither of us will know what it is. It's called >Tokyo." JURI: Tokyo-3, technically. TOUGA: So they're dueling underground? What? AKIO: To make some extra dough, Gendo built a dueling platform on top of Central Dogma. >"What are the rules?" TOUGA: Rule number one--you don't talk about Fight Club. Rule number two--you *don't* talk about Fight Club . . . AKIO: That's pretty accurate in context, actually. >Touji made a sour face. "You don't know?" >"What do you think?" >He scratched his head. TOUGA: Touji has head lice? JURI: Yuck. Cooties. >"Well, the rules are simple enough. She's going to put a rose on my >lapel. She'll put one on yours. MIKI [singing]: Tie a yellow rose to my old lapel . . . JURI: A bit of a stretch there, Miki-kun. MIKI [blushing slightly]: Sorry. >Whoever knocks the rose off with their sword wins. That's basically >it." >"Sounds crazy, but I'm up for it." [TOUGA and AKIO start snickering until a very cold look from JURI makes them fall silent] JURI: Thank you. AKIO [pauses, but can't resist, a la Butthead]: Heh heh heh, she said "Up for it"! [JURI smacks AKIO upside the head] >said Asuka. Then she saw something that really surprised her. TOUGA: So in other words, nothing she's seen so far has *been* a surprise? MIKI: She apparently goes to school at Ohtori. Enough said. TOUGA: Well, you do have a point there. >Rei leaned back and said, "Rose of the noble castle. Sword of Dios, >come forth and obey your master." JURI : Or something like that. I was not ordered to read the script. >A handle of a sword appeared on her bosom. Touji pulled it out and >said something Asuka didn't quite catch except for "the power to >Revolutionize the world.". AKIO: Which is pretty much all he'd be saying *anyway*. >Dios, Asuka thought, that's Spanish for God. TOUGA: *Thrill* to the power of multilingual characters. >This is getting seriously strange. Still, she held the sword she'd >picked up in the fencing room. AKIO: As opposed to the sword she picked up somewhere else? >The day after, she found herself assigned to a dorm room with Rei in >an empty building. [ALL just stare at the screen for a long moment] JURI: The hell? From the drawing of the Sword of Dios to *the next day*? AKIO: Thrill to the riveting scene of the newcomer taking on the Victor with a shinai! Stare in awe as Dios comes down from Toyko-3 to help the newcomer overcome the odds and win the Duel! TOUGA: I'd love to, but apparently it just wasn't important enough to show. MIKI: Well, that *is* Tokyo-3 floating above the Arena. Maybe Dios isn't what comes out of there? JURI: I'd hate to find out what *does* come out of there . . . AKIO: Kaoru Nagisa. TOUGA: I wouldn't be surprised. >The first room she'd seen was filthy. Oh, they expect me to live >here, she thought. JURI: That's one hell of a calm assessment of the situation. TOUGA: This *is* coming from the girl who spent part of the last few episodes of NGE lying in a foul-looking tub of water in a half-destroyed house. MIKI: Only the best accommodations for new Victors of the Duel. That's Ohtori for you. AKIO: Better watch it there. >Then she heard a noise at the end of the hall. A light was seen under >the door. She opened it. . TOUGA: --and a Queen Alien leapt out and ate her! The end. AKIO: Getting bored? TOUGA: Yes. >In the room, she found Rei wringing out a washcloth. The room was >clean and all ready for her to move into with a table with three >chairs and two beds laid out. MIKI: So there's a table that has three chairs and two beds set on top of it? JURI: Just nod and smile. >"Good morning, Asuka-sama," she said. >"Don't call me Asuka-sama. I find it creepy." TOUGA : It's creepy and it's kooky, mysterious and spooky, it's altogether ooky, the Himemiya family . . . AKIO : Very cute, Touga. TOUGA [smirking]: Yes, I know I am. >"Yes, Asuka-sama." >This girl seriously freaks me out, she thought. "I told you to cut >that out." JURI : Invasive abdominal surgery wasn't an option. >"The other girls do." Rei said quietly. >"Well, it's kind of an in-joke. AKIO: No, it's more like an expression of worshipful respect and repressed lesbian desires. [JURI hits him in the solar plexus] >But you say it like it's serious. Oh, what the hell is that?" She >pointed at the weird looking bird walking around. MIKI: It lives in the fridge and drinks all the beer. We used to think it was a frat boy, but someone noticed the wings. >"Oh, that's Pen-pen. He's my friend." JURI: And right behind that bird came a young boy trailing a cloud of dust and dirt. MIKI: Huh? JURI: That's Rei's other friend, Pig-Pen. In memory of Charles Schultz. >"Why are you here?" >"You won me. As the Rose Bride, I have to attend to the needs of the >duellist who wins. AKIO: And attend to them *very* well, she does. JURI: Spare us the details, Ohtori. >I then become engaged to the person." >"Mein Gott, MIKI: Fanboy--uh, German? . . . to the rescue! >don't you protest?" AKIO: Yes, Rei, why don't you light yourself on fire in protest? JURI : If I'm ordered to, then I will do it. AKIO: Rei is doing what's called "completely missing the point" now. >"I'm not supposed to do anything except what the duellist who wins me >wants me to say and do. That's the fate of the Rose Bride. That's the >way it's always been." TOUGA: Fairly good summary there. Thank you, Rei. Next! >Asuka was about to say another sharp thing when a thought came to her > The school she was at was a combination of elementary, junior high >and high school. If Rei had lived here all her life, this could've >been going on ever since kindergarten. AKIO: Well, you have to start that "cycle of abuse" early and all. JURI: *Akio*! AKIO: I'm joking! I'm joking! >How long as this game been going on. MIKI: Long enough to have a question mark at the end of an interrogative sentence, I think. >I must find out what all this revolution business is, she thought. >She must've thought of herself and been treated as a toy from the >very beginning. MIKI: The new holiday toy . . . "Rose Bride Barbie"! >The very thought made Asuka want to scream, AKIO: So what's stopping her? Asuka usually doesn't seem to mind shrieking like a banshee at the slightest provocation. >but it made her realize that Rei's behavior wasn't something that was >intentional in the sense that she wanted to be this way, but that she >had been made into this thing. MIKI: Um . . . sure. What she said. >The thought made her shiver. She turned to look at the girl who was >now placing breakfast on the table. If I don't win those duels, she's >just going to be somebody else's toy. TOUGA: Especially if the Victor sells her by commission in an adult toy store. [JURI growls and whacks TOUGA one] >Still, it makes me mad that she doesn't stand up for herself. It made >her want to slap her. JURI: Thrill to the intense ethical dilemma of our protagonist. >Then she thought. AKIO [checking his watch]: This might take a while. >Then that would make me just as bad as Touji and the other people. JURI : *No*, *really*?! >"Rei, how long has this game been going on?" >She glanced at Asuka then looked back at the food she was arranging >on the table. "As long as I can remember. Breakfast is served." TOUGA : What's for breakfast? JURI : Beer and toaster strudel. Misato did the shopping. >"Rei is not a doll for you to play with." Asuka said. She could see >the doll at the feet of her mother, its head twisted off. AKIO: Aw, gee. She must have broken the "Rose Bride Barbie" that she got for Christmas. JURI: Was there a scene break that we missed or something? TOUGA: Probably. Or else Rei's "special seasoning" in Asuka's breakfast just kicked in. >"I hate people who try to make people dolls. Who the hell are you to >try to make someone into a doll for you to do whatever you want. MIKI : Someone who can use QUESTION MARKS at the end of INTERROGATIVE SENTENCES!! JURI: Easy there, Miki. >I've decided to make sure that as long as I live, nobody else is >going to be treated like a doll." TOUGA: Sounds like she had a bad experience with dolls as a little girl. AKIO: Maybe youma Jumeau visited her as a little girl and sapped all her energy when it had hit its peak? [the Satellite wobbles] MIKAGE'S VOICE: Knock that off! >Rei stood impassive nearby, dressed in her dress and tiara. AKIO: Just like a doll. JURI: Was that really a surprise? >Touji and Asuka fight. AKIO: I'm just so overwhelmed by the stunning Duel scenes in this fic. TOUGA: Well, Utena's actual Duels last about five minutes. AKIO: Yes, but they're important. This fic isn't even taking my game *seriously*. JURI: Game, Ohtori? AKIO: Er . . . tests! Tests to determine the duelist most capable of revolutionizing the world. TOUGA : I don't think she's buying it, Akio. And you can't sleep that one into submission. >Hmm, thought Asuka, this guy's no pushover. JURI: If he was, then there wouldn't be much of a Duel. Just shove him one and take his rose when he's down. AKIO: Sounds like a tactic you're familiar with, Arisugawa. JURI: Of course. >"Asuka, ganbatte!" Rei suddenly said. TOUGA: I thought that she was only supposed to say something distracting when Miki was fighting? MIKI: What? TOUGA: Never mind . . . >That took Touji by surprise. Asuka took that opportunity to slash the >rose off his lapel. Touji stood stunned. Asuka frowned and said, "I >hope you're satisfied now." MIKI: What's she frowning for? JURI: Maybe she didn't like him standing there looking stupid and making it an easy win? After all, he's *still* standing there looking stupid. AKIO: The fic must be rubbing off on poor Touji there. >Rei said to Touji, "You did well. TOUGA [blind monk]: "Grasshopper." AKIO [Yoda]: Do, or do not. There is no try. >Sayonara." Then she walked off with Asuka. JURI : So long, sucker! The victim--er Victor--is mine, all mine! AKIO: You know, Arisugawa, if you put your heart into it and actually won Anthy, you'd find that Shiori's nothing but a goat compared to what the Bride could give you. JURI [fuming]: Shut *up*, Ohtori, before Kanae ends up without a fiance at all. >Asuka turned to her and said, "I want you to understand one thing. I >didn't do it for you. I did it for my own reasons." AKIO: Sure, that's what they all say. But in the end, they do it for *my* reasons. JURI: In some fics, "in the end" is quite literal. AKIO: You *would* bring those ghastly things up. JURI [coolly grinning]: I like to see you squirm, Ohtori. AKIO [suddenly smirking]: Stick your hand down there and you'll see me squirm to your heart's content. JURI: The only time I'll stick my hand down *there*, Ohtori, is if I'm going to cut it *off*. Or else I'll borrow Mikage's little plush doll of you. [AKIO gets a worried look and inches slowly away from JURI] >"I see.." >"I just hate dolls. I hate seeing people play with people like >they're dolls. I decided that I wouldn't tolerate it. Sounds crazy, I >know." >"No, it's not crazy." AKIO: It sure sounds crazy to *me*. TOUGA: There's a classic "the blind leading the blind" exchange for you. >Asuka saw a flash of light from the cliffs. MIKI: Aaah! Run! It's an Angel! JURI: No, I think it's just Misato, Kaji, and Ritsuko . . . >Someone is watching all this. I'm going to put a stop to all this. >After all, I'm a prince, she thought. I'm ready for anything. JURI : I'm also amazingly overconfident! >She took a look at Rei, who was actually smiling a little. TOUGA: Drink! AKIO: Huh? TOUGA: I've heard that there's a Neon Genesis Evangelion drinking game. Every time Rei has a facial expression other than "blank", drink! >Now that I've got a princess to protect. >THE END ALL : Yay. [Duelist's door sequence . . . in reverse!] [1. You hand the Sword of Dios back to the Rose Bride and tell her you had a wonderful time.] [2. You suddenly remember your opponent. Thinking quickly, you point past him and shout "Look! It's Dios!" When he turns to look, you yank the rose off his chest.] [3. The acrophobia doesn't bother you this time, because you're busy reeling around deafened by the bells tolling your victory.] [4. Stopping at the basket, you snip your hasty stitches and return the decorations before getting back into the elevator to descend.] [5. The elevator stops--nearer the bottom this time--and you stroll down the remaining stairs.] [6. You try to reclose the gate properly, but the rippling water in the reservoir suddenly reminds you of all the soda you had before the fic, and you make a hasty exit to run for the lavatory.] [Bridge. UTENA now has a large plateful of s'mores sitting next to her. CHU CHU is sprawled nearby on a second plate, which probably used to be full of s'mores too. The message light blinks, and JURI slaps it on the way over to get a s'more] [Observatory. MIKAGE is seated in the recliner. A cat has mysteriously appeared in his lap, and he's petting the cat. (Strangely, a little blinking pointy-hand is indicating the cat)] MIKAGE: So, my little lab rats, how was that? [SoR] AKIO: Lame. Don't you *dare* touch that plush doll again, Souji. JURI: The descriptions of the duels were . . . sadly lacking, to say the least. [nibbling a s'more] TOUGA: The character substitutions were kind of cute, but the overall lack of development detracted from that. MIKI: That describes most of it, yes. At least the spelling and grammar were mostly tolerable. TOUGA: Face it, Souji . . . you're running out of ammunition. This was substandard as far as traumatic fics go. [Observatory] MIKAGE: We shall see, Mr. Kiryuu . . . we shall see. Mamiya! Push the Button! MAMIYA: Sure! *PWOOSH*! Disclaimers and Legalese (in case you missed them the first time around) Original story written by: Furikake MSTing written by: Chris Rain Mystery Science Theater 3000 is owned by Best Brains, Inc. All "Revolutionary Girl Utena"/"Shoujo Kakumei Utena" characters are the property of B-Papas, Chiho Saito, TV Tokyo, Shonenn Iinkai, Software Sculptors, Central Park Media Corporation, and any other companies or individuals holding legal claim to them. I have used them here without permission, but hopefully I will not be viciously sued, as I will not be able to buy any more cool merchandise if I'm broke. ^_^ Comments may be sent to: rainclash@yahoo.com You can send negative comments, too, but I prefer more civilized discourse as befits mature adults in this society. Nyaaaaah!! Visit the Satellite of Revolution at its very own website! http://www.mindspring.com/~khabal/rst3k.htm Visit the Utena Encyclopedia! Translated scripts, song lyrics, images, episode synopses, character profiles, links, and more! http://www.duellists.tj Visit Mokushiroku.net! Downloads, wallpapers, Winamp skins, even music videos! http://mokushiroku.net/utena/index.html >The first room she'd seen was filthy. Oh, they expect me to live >here, she thought.