REVOLUTIONARY SCIENCE THEATRE 3000 Episode 107: "The Great Outdoors" Written by: Reanna MSTed by: Chris Rain (rainclash@yahoo.com) This is a MSTing of a story written by Reanna. No insult, injury, infringement, or painful debilitating illness is intended by this MSTing. I do this because (a) it's fun and (b) I have lots of time and imagination on my hands. MST3K is owned by Best Brains, Inc. All "Revolutionary Girl Utena"/"Shoujo Kakumei Utena" characters are the property of B-Papas, Chiho Saito, TV Tokyo, Shonenn Iinkai, Software Sculptors, Central Park Media Corporation, and possibly a partridge in a pear tree, though the latter is dicey to prove under law. ^_^ Reading this MST can be greatly helped by having at least a passing familiarity with the series; if you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it. (Shameless plug requirements met. Onward!) [Satellite of Revolution. The scene opens to a thick, steamy jungle, complete with birds and small lizards. UTENA comes into view, wearing camouflage clothing and carrying an alarmingly large automatic rifle. MIKI is also in camos, but he looks a lot less comfortable with the gun he's carrying] MIKI: T-t-tell me again why we're doing this? UTENA: Because we can't find the lacrosse sticks for another game of "Pong," that's why. [Suddenly, a velociraptor lunges out of the underbrush, springing with its jaws gaping wide. MIKI yells in alarm, but UTENA whips the gun around and blows it to bits. Instead of the logically-expected splatter of blood and graphically detailed raptor guts, the beast explodes into a bright cloud of confetti. MIKI looks a bit faint, until he gets a look at the confetti] MIKI: Wh-what is *that*? UTENA: Stupid family-values groups and their stupid regulations on violent video games . . . Where's Juri? MIKI: Uh . . . she didn't come in with us. She said something about watching the monitors instead and making sure Akio doesn't cheat. UTENA: *I* didn't want him to GM this thing . . . AKIO'S VOICE: You're welcome. [TOUGA emerges from behind a tree, looking quite dashing in a khaki "great white hunter" outfit and toting an elephant gun] TOUGA: I think you just won this level too, Utena. How about leaving some for the rest of us, hmm? UTENA: It's not *my* fault that you can't hit the broadside of a barn, even with a popgun like *that*. AKIO'S VOICE: Sadly, Kiryuu, you're wrong. The level isn't over yet! [Right on cue, an enormous T-rex crashes through the trees, roaring. Just as the intrepid dino-hunters bring their guns to bear--even MIKI, though his hands are shaking so much it looks like he might drop the thing at any moment--the entire scene freezes as a yellow light begins to flash] AKIO'S VOICE: Sam Neill and Laura Dern are calling. You'd better get out here. [Grumbling, the players leave the Holocabana; the scene fades into bright pink lines on a black background as they exit. On the bridge, JURI reaches over to push the button, lighting up the Viewscreen] [Observatory. MIKAGE is smirking at the screen, but he blinks as he sees the duelists in their hunting gear and carrying large-caliber weapons] MIKAGE: My, you *have* been busy up there. [SoR] UTENA: We got bored. What do *you* want? Another stupid fic? [Observatory. MAMIYA, smiling brightly, is feeding pages into the fic- sender. MIKAGE gestures back at him] MIKAGE: How very right you are, Miss Tenjou. Can't slip anything past *you*. [pause] Those aren't *real* guns, I hope. [SoR. UTENA points the business end of her rifle at the Viewscreen] UTENA: Sadly, no, they're not real. [she pulls the trigger, and a little red light flashes rapidly from the muzzle] It's glorified laser tag with holographic targets. [Observatory] MIKAGE: Charming. Well, then . . . Ohtori, Tenjou, Kiryuu, and Kaoru. Into the theatre with you! [SoR] JURI : What about me? [The players have put their guns down; UTENA and MIKI are scrubbing camouflage paint off their faces with little wet-wipes] [Observatory] MIKAGE: What *about* you, Arisugawa? You'll have to wait. You're just the switch-hitter for Kaoru when the fic's got too much sex in it for him to stay conscious through. [SoR] JURI: You'll pay for this, Souji. [Observatory] MIKAGE: Oooh, how scary. Mamiya, send the fic! MAMIYA: Okay, Mikage-sama sir! [SoR. The red lights are flashing and the klaxons are blaring] UTENA: WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIIIIIGN! [the four bolt for the theatre; JURI glares icily at the Viewscreen before walking through the hallway door] [Duelist's door sequence!] [6. It's the gate to the Arena. You try to open it, but you haven't got a Rose Seal ring. Finally, you pick the lock with a credit card and walk through.] [5. It's the spiral staircase from hell. You make it about halfway up before realizing there's an elevator and climbing in.] [4. The elevator stops about ten feet from the top. You walk halfway up the rest of the stairs, realize that you aren't getting a fancier outfit, and pause at the convenient basket placed on the stairs to sew on the decorations yourself.] [3. The archway at the top of the staircase. You accidentally glance over the side, suffer a violent attack of acrophobia, and cling to the side of the archway, whimpering for your mommy.] [2. You wait for the Rose Bride to place the rose on your chest, but first you have to help her pull the thorns off. Ow! Ow! Ow!] [1. The Rose Bride does her spiel and falls back over your arm; you draw the Sword of Dios from her chest and use it to hack down the final door into the theatre.] [the duelists take their seats--from left to right: TOUGA, UTENA, AKIO, and MIKI] >Just a note: I have nothing against squirrels. [pause] UTENA: Okay, that one sentence frightens me horribly. AKIO: You're not the only one. TOUGA: Meaning? AKIO: If this has some kind of sexual connotation, who do you think is most likely to be involved? TOUGA: *Oh*. UTENA: But Miki's here. Mikage wouldn't send up a sick lemon fic and then put Miki in here, would he? MIKI: Um . . . >Oh, and I don't own Austin Powers, Dr. Evil or Mr. Bigglesworth. TOUGA: Well, that's almost as frightening in its implications as the *first* sentence. >Grr... the next one will be funnier, I promise... MIKI [pointing at the screen]: But *that* has to be the scariest line so far! >"Great outdoors my sword," Saionji scowled AKIO: Oh, no. Saionji's already talking about himself in some way. UTENA: Akio! MIKI: Missing comma . . . >as he, along with most of the rest of the Utena cast, Ashilee Warwick UTENA: . . . who? TOUGA: Isn't she one of those Psychic Friends people? AKIO: You'd think a psychic would know better than to get into this situation. MIKI: That's *Dionne* Warwick. OTHERS: Oh. >and I paraded onto the Rock Dam campground(located in good ol' >Wisconsin!). [ALL groan] MIKI: Wonderful. Another obvious self-insertion. And what are we doing in Wisconsin? UTENA: Same thing we were doing in Colorado, I guess. Pandering to the SI. TOUGA [covering his eyes with one hand]: Oh, no. We are *not* going to suffer another version of "High Altitudes" . . . AKIO: I really want to know who keeps trashing the budget on these pointless field trips to foreign countries. >Anyone who saw this procession of anime characters MIKI [pointing at the screen again, waving notebook around]: Isn't *that* a Fourth Wall breach, Souji-sempai?! Hmm? MIKAGE'S VOICE: Fic-induced quiver. Sit down and be quiet. >would certainly have thought twice about staying at this campground. UTENA: God knows that *we're* thinking twice about it already. >Each one carried their own special color-coded sleeping bags and >backpacks. AKIO : Oh, of *course*. We couldn't tell our stuff apart if it wasn't colored to match our hair! It's a Law of Anime Existence, isn't it? [the Satellite twitches slightly] UTENA: Look on the bright side. At least we're not being compared to pumpkins, blueberries, lumps of coal, pine trees, snowballs, blood clots . . . >At the head of the party was Reanna, MIKI: Uh . . . wasn't she speaking of herself in the first person just a moment ago? UTENA: Nod and smile, Miki-kun. >carrying a chibi-Miki doll [MIKI gulps and blushes] >followed closely by Ashilee carrying a chibi-Mikage doll (scary >thought). MIKAGE'S VOICE : Thank you for the clever aside, story. [ALL snicker] TOUGA: Yes, that *is* a scary thought . . . someone likes Mikage enough to get a doll of him! MAMIYA'S VOICE: Oooh, how cute! Mikage-sama sir, can I-- MIKAGE'S VOICE: Shut up, Mamiya. >Behind them was Miki, followed a little too closely behind by Kozue. AKIO : Ow! Quit stepping on my heels, Kozue! TOUGA : I'm watching for a flight of stairs . . . UTENA: Dark. Stop it. >Then came Utena and Anthy (with Chu Chu on her shoulder). AKIO: You've got to love those stock footage shots. >Then was Touga with his kitten, TOUGA: Why did I bring the cat? MIKI: I guess it has something to do with cute animal or toy sidekicks, I guess. TOUGA: *Your* "sidekick" appears to be your sister. MIKI: Um, well, I, uh . . . >carrying an extra large red sleeping bag (big enough to hold two >people, hint hint), the inside of which was silk. UTENA : I wonder who else would crawl into a silk-lined sleeping bag with Touga? AKIO: Pick a name. You'll probably be right. >Nanami ran eagerly behind him shouting something about sharing the >tent. AKIO: There's one. UTENA: Akio . . . >Mitsuru (pair of red boxing gloves slung over his shoulder), TOUGA: . . . why? AKIO: I'm guessing it's the brother complex acting up again. His medication must have worn off. >Aiko, Yuuko and Keiko were behind her. MIKI: Well, that's a familiar sight, at least. Nanami and her entourage. UTENA: I always thought of them as kind of looking like a bunch of pilot fish following a little yellow shark, actually. TOUGA: Utena, please . . . >Then came Saionji with his chibi-Anthy doll [pause] UTENA: That's a very disturbing image. >and a leash, which happened to be attached to a crocodile. (looking >very worn as if it had been slapped several times) MIKI: *That* is even *more* disturbing, I'd say. TOUGA: What in hell is Saionji doing with a live crocodile? AKIO: You're asking for an awful lot of logical answers from this fic, Kiryuu. >followed by Wakaba, who was skipping just a little too cheerfully. UTENA: This is different from normal *how*, exactly? >Then came Shiori, followed by Ruka and Juri. AKIO: Of course, Juri was lining up to kidney-punch Ruka before going on to drop Shiori with a roundhouse to the head. UTENA: I thought Ruka was . . . you know . . . AKIO: Dead? Hell, Utena, if Mikage can stop being an imaginary person, Ruka can stop being dead. It's fine in *my* book. >Then came Mikage and Mamiya (still looking sickly despite the fresh >Wisconsin air). MAMIYA'S VOICE: I'm afflicted with a fatal disease. Fresh air just isn't going to help any. MIKAGE'S VOICE: Why, exactly, are we *in* this, Mamiya? MAMIYA'S VOICE: Um . . . >Then came Akio and Kanae, AKIO: I don't want to be in this either. TOUGA: I have to wonder why you'd bring Kanae. I mean, you'll only be chasing other women the whole time. AKIO: Window dressing. >and then finally three girls that looked like nothing more than >shadows. >"Oh come on! This fresh air is the best seasoning of all!" an eerie >female voice called from the back of the party. [long pause] UTENA: Okay. This has officially gotten too damn weird. MIKI: I think it's only just beginning, Utena-kun. >"Come on, Saionji! This is going to be great! No homework, no duels, >no... well, Akio's still here, but two out of three isn't bad after >all." [AKIO scowls as the others snicker] >Reanna called back to the Green One. MIKI: The . . . *Green One*?! UTENA: The Not-So-Jolly, Downright-Cranky Green Giant, I guess. MIKI: He's not *that* tall, Utena-kun . . . UTENA: Are you kidding? He and almost all the other major male characters in the series have this freakishly tall look! [the Satellite bobs sharply] MIKAGE'S VOICE: Quiet, Tenjou! [pause] *I* am not freakishly tall. UTENA: No, but Touga and Ruka and Akio are. MIKAGE'S VOICE: I'll give you that one. >Reanna plopped down all her stuff on the grass. "This is our site, >guys! TOUGA: It is? Well, the background is terrible, and I can't see any of the text. We ought to talk to the webmaster about this. What's the URL, anyway? MYSTERY VOICE: http://www.mindspring.com/~khabal/rst3k.htm, of course. [the Satellite makes a sharp, violent leap in two directions at once, and the duelists clutch the armrests] MIKAGE'S VOICE: Mamiya! Grab that cattle prod! I think I've got a location on that damn voice! MAMIYA'S VOICE: Yes, Mikage-sama sir! [there is a very loud *ZAP* and a short yelp, then a thud] MIKAGE'S VOICE: *No*, Mamiya, you need to grab that prod by the *other* end! [long pause] TOUGA: I can't help recalling again that these are the people who control our air supply. >Let's set up the tents." UTENA: No problem. Let's just show Akio and Touga a copy of "Playboy." They'll be pitching tents in no time. [MIKI turns bright red] AKIO: Why, Utena! I didn't know you had it in you! UTENA: I don't plan for you to *get* it in me, either. >"Tent?" Nanami asked. "I won't sleep in a tent on top of dirty, rocky, bumpy ground! AKIO: Well, then, I'm sure we can arrange for you to sleep *under* the dirty, rocky, bumpy ground. At least six feet under. TOUGA: Ohtori, knock it off. AKIO: I'd rather knock your annoying sister off. >If I can't sleep in a luxury camper, I'm going home right now!" UTENA : Screw you guys, I'm going home! >"We're thousands of miles away from Japan, Nanami," Miki noted. TOUGA: That would be one hell of a long walk. AKIO: Maybe when she gets to the Pacific, she can float over in a little cardboard box . . . TOUGA [frowning suspiciously]: What's that supposed to mean, Ohtori? AKIO: Oh, nothing . . . nothing at all . . . >Touga cleared his throat. "Uh, I kind of... left the tents back at >the school?" UTENA: You're right. It *is* a long walk, and I suggest you get going if you want to be back before next summer . . . >"NAZE?" came the collective shout. MIKI: Fanboy Japanese to the rescue! >"Well, if I had carried the tents I wouldn't have been able to carry >all of my things." AKIO: Why didn't anybody *else* carry their own stupid tent? MIKI: Maybe we didn't have enough in the budget to take the full complement of makeup artists everyone would need to stay looking so wonderful, so no one wanted to carry their own tent? >Touga smiled his too-sexy-for-my-shirt-and-all-of-you-but-I'd-love-to- >go-with-you-anyway smile. UTENA: I think he stole that from Akio. AKIO: How sweet of you to notice, dear Utena . . . UTENA: You're going to lose any body part that touches me, Akio. >Reanna sweatdropped. "What.... kind.... of things?" MIKI: You know. Things. Just . . . stuff. TOUGA: Plungers and bedpans and ball-peen hammers and spackle. MIKAGE'S VOICE: No stealing lines from Alicia Ashby, Kiryuu. TOUGA: Why not? We've stolen Megane 6.7's Holocabana and this entire schtick from Best Brains! [the Satellite bobs and veers around; the duelists have to grab for the rollercoaster-style shoulder harnesses] UTENA: *Touga*! Stop that! >Touga set down a big bag. The zipper popped open, allowing cans of >whipped cream, handcuffs, and several other things I could name but >won't. MIKI: Allowing these things to *what*, exactly? UTENA: Touga, did you go back into the last two lemons and raid the closet in Akio's room and Mikage's fridge? TOUGA: *No*. MIKI [looks at the screen, then at UTENA, before getting wide-eyed and breaking out in a sweat]: Whipped cream? Handcuffs? Just what happened in those fics? [The remaining duelists suddenly look very uncomfortable] >Wakaba picked up a can of whipped cream and squirted it into her >mouth. AKIO: Well, if *that* isn't suggestive, I don't know what is. >"I noticed you didn't bring your ball gag, Touga," Akio observed. TOUGA: Utena, you were saying something about that other fic? UTENA: Ick. This author must have read that one too . . . MIKI [looks even more disturbed]: B-b-b-ball gag? AKIO: You know, for someone claiming to "spare Miki", you're doing something of a rotten job of it, Mikage. MIKAGE'S VOICE: This isn't supposed to be Disneyland, Ohtori. >"Actually, I lent it to Reanna a week ago and she hasn't given it >back yet..." UTENA: See? [MIKI is blushing *very* red now] >*blush*... "Okaysoifwedonthavetentsthenwelljusthaveto... sleep out >under the stars." TOUGA: Reanna then lost consciousness from lack of oxygen. AKIO: And was quickly murdered and left out for the bears to devour. The end. UTENA: Flashlight, please. Very dark in here. AKIO [smirking]: All the better to see the stars, you know . . . >Anthy turned to Utena. "Doesn't that sound romantic, Utena-sama?" MIKI: Uhh . . . um . . . UTENA: That sentence disturbs me. TOUGA: This *fic* disturbs me. >"When can we build the campfire?" Mikage asked, sounding unusually >enthusiastic while Mamiya turned several very pretty shades of green >beside him. MAMIYA'S VOICE: But I don't really look good in green . . . MIKAGE'S VOICE: Quiet, Mamiya. >"When can we go swimming?" asked Akio. >"When can we go to bed?" asked Touga. UTENA: You can do both at once, and drown, and get out of my hair at last! [TOUGA and AKIO give her wounded looks, which she ignores] >"Tickle fight..." whispered Ruka, tickling Saionji in the ribs. >"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" ALL: That's what WE want to know! UTENA: For a dead man, Ruka's unusually playful. TOUGA: If he wasn't dead before, I can guarantee that tickling Saionji will make him a dead man. Especially a Saionji that slaps crocodiles around. >"Miki, look at the new swimsuit I got you..." >"Kozue, I'm not wearing that." **kachi** MIKI: A spandex thong?! UTENA: I see that Kozue's as out-of-character as everybody else. >"Kashira, kashira!" TOUGA: . . . except for *them*. UTENA: I wish I had a baseball bat right now. AKIO: Are you *sure* about that? Just better make sure that Nanami doesn't get her hands on one, along with a butterfly mask . . . [UTENA gives him a puzzled look. AKIO just smiles sweetly] >"Onii-sama, there's a bug on me..." AKIO : Well, *you* are "bugging" *me*. Buzz off, Nanami. TOUGA: Ex*cuse* you. >"It'll be a miracle if we make it through this weekend." MIKI: Who said that? >"There are no such things as miracles!" UTENA: No question of who said *that*, at least. >"ANO NE!" Reanna shouted, causing everybody to gradually quiet down. >"Now that we're here, what would you like to do first?" ALL: Play "kill the SI". >"Build the campfire!" >"Go to bed!" >"Go swimming!" >"Go home!" >"Roast marshmallows!" >"I'm allergic to marshmallows." >"Kozue, I said I won't wear that!" >"Tickle tickle tickle!" MIKI: Who the hell is *saying* all of this?! Pronouns, please! UTENA: I can guess that Mikage, Touga, Akio, and Nanami were the first four. I think Saionji had the fifth line, and Mamiya was the sixth one . . . it's obvious that *you* were the seventh one, Miki-kun . . . uh, I'm guessing that Ruka's having a drug episode of some kind. TOUGA: Must be overdosing on whatever the hospital was giving him for his illness. >"Uh... damn... are squirrels okay for crocodiles to eat?" TOUGA: You tell me. UTENA: Just throw some Squirrel Helper in, and it'll be fine . . . >Reanna sighed. It was going to be a long weekend... AKIO: No, just a long and painful fic. >They had decided to go swimming first. [ALL hum the theme from "Jaws"] >Rock Dam had a creek running next to their campsite that broadened >into more of a small river. After rounding a corner, it ran shallowly >over flat and slippery rocks before cascading down in a small >five-foot waterfall into a sort of miniature lagoon before flowing on >again. Beside it was a small sand beach and small mountains of rock >with various things carved into it by previous visitors. Aside from >the vandalism, a beautiful swimming spot. TOUGA: No one will be seated during the thrilling "description of the swimming spot" scene! >Akio was busy carving something about the Ends of the World followed >by a phone number. UTENA: You know, the silly thing is that I can actually believe you would do that, Akio. AKIO: Hmph. >The cast of SKU had scared off any campers that had been swimming >there. First, Saionji let his crocodile swim around to its heart's >content, which cleared out most of the swimmers. MIKI: And incidentally broke many local laws regarding exotic pets. Saionji was immediately hauled off to prison. AKIO: Along with Reanna, who was charged with aiding and abetting a crime against God in the form of this fic. UTENA: You're not God. AKIO: No, but I'm Dios. Close enough for government work. >The swimming attire of many of the newcomers had frightened off the >rest of them. TOUGA: What exactly was being worn here? Human skins? Tribal body paint? An overabundance of latex? UTENA: Could be worse. We could all be lined up in black, one-piece suits and white bathing caps, running along the riverbank with push brooms going "Hai! Hai! Hai! Hai!" >Utena started off with a perfect swan dive off of the waterfall. UTENA: Which is only five feet high. That's not enough room for a good swan dive. >Anthy applauded from off to the side. She wore a red one-piece suit >with frills around the waist. AKIO: Oh, ha ha. A swimsuit version of the Rose Bride gown. Ha ha. UTENA: I just hope I don't grab her around the waist and pull out the Snorkel of Dios. TOUGA: This wasn't written by the same people who did "Wacky Adventures," thankfully. >Reanna's purple hair (matching her own one-piece) trailed behind her >as she swam over to Miki and Kozue. Miki had managed to "lose" his >new swimsuit and wore the one he brought-a pair of blue swimming >trunks with music notes on it. MIKI: This color-coding thing is an ongoing theme, I see. >However, to Miki's dismay, Kozue seemed to be set on yanking them off. >Reanna was meanwhile set on keeping Kozue from doing so. The material >of Kozue's suit wouldn't have fit into a thimble. TOUGA: Good heavens, she's well-developed for a girl her age. AKIO: I know. MIKI: You--what do you *mean*, "you know"?! UTENA: I don't think you want to ask that, Miki-kun. He might answer you. >Nanami was lounging on one of those inflatable cushions with a glass >of lemonade. Mamiya sat off to the side, his knees pulled up to his >chest, watching calmly, remarking that swimming made him seasick. MIKAGE'S VOICE: It doesn't, does it? MAMIYA'S VOICE: No, Mikage-sama sir. I'm as grossly mischaracterized as everybody else this time. >Mikage looked slightly uncomfortable in getting into the water. TOUGA : Pyro. MIKAGE'S VOICE: What was that, Kiryuu? TOUGA: Nothing. >"Mikage-sama!" a cry came. Mikage whirled around just before Ashilee >charged into him and knocked him into the water. UTENA: So *that's* what it looks like when Wakaba does that to me. MIKI: Approximately. AKIO [smirking]: Now that's what I call taking the plunge. Trying out for a Nestea commercial? MIKAGE'S VOICE: Very funny, Ohtori. >The force of the splash knocked Nanami's floating cushion over. >Nanami came up screaming angrily, her draped down over her eyes. MIKI: Her *what* draped over her eyes? AKIO: Who knows? Or cares? >Mitsuru didn't like that, but wasn't sure whether to go after Ashilee >or Mikage. TOUGA: Both of them! Get both of them! >Instead, he swam to Nanami, who was screaming about not being able to >swim. UTENA: Then what's she doing in the water in the first place? AKIO: Being herself. TOUGA: Are you implying that my sister is stupid? AKIO: You said it, not me. >Mikage came up, rubbing his eyes and spitting out water, his pink >hair clinging to his face and looking even longer than usual. TOUGA: You know, I never realized how much Mikage looks like you, Utena. UTENA: I'll pretend I didn't hear that. >From behind him, Mamiya burst out laughing. [ALL laugh and point] >"I'm drowning!" >"I'll save you, Miss Nanami!" TOUGA: Well, *that* sounds about right. >"I'm wet!" >"I'm naked!" AKIO [sitting forward in the seat]: Well, it's about time this got more interesting! UTENA: *Akio*! [she whacks him one] >"I know..." >"I'm gonna tickle you Juri..." UTENA: I really think that Ruka needs some mental help. TOUGA: He's not the only one. MIKI: Must be delirious from an electrolyte imbalance or something. >"I'm gonna kill you!" >"I'm gonna throw up..." ALL: So are we. >"I'm a prince and will stop this madness!" MIKI: Who, exactly, is saying *what* again? AKIO: I think the author cares about as little as the audience does. >Reanna watched from on top of the waterfall, sweatdropping. MIKI: Oh, of course. The bad fic wouldn't be complete without an anime sight gag. >She wondered how long this would get her kicked off the campground. >Sure, nobody who came along could understand a word anybody was >saying... and nobody who came along who knew Japanese would have >stayed around long enough to listen anyway... TOUGA: Anybody walking into this bizarre scene would be justified in running away, or calling the police, or opening fire. Or all of the above. MIKI : Hello, Governor? Call out the National Guard. We have a group of aliens taking over the park . . . >"Saionji! Get your crocodile away from my cat!" Touga shouted. >"Come on, Touga! All he's had today are a couple squirrels!" AKIO: We couldn't care less about your pet's sex life, Saion-- [UTENA belts him one] >Touga jumped on the crocodile and began wrestling with it, looking >quite a bit like the Crocodile Hunter UTENA: Or Crocodile Dundee. [TOUGA hums "Down Under"] >(my sister's going to kill me for that analogy). [the entire Satellite bucks and heaves wildly; the duellists grab the shoulder harnesses again] >"No! No! We don't knaw MIKI: "Gnaw" . . . >on our kitty." Touga said, sounding quite a bit like a certain evil >doctor. He held its mouth shut. "Leave Bigglesworth-san alone." [long silence] TOUGA: I didn't just see that. UTENA: I hope the rest of us didn't see it either. >Miki, pulling his trunks back on, remarked, "Touga just hasn't been >the same person since you showed him 'Austin Powers,' Reanna-sama." >"I know. It's my fault." AKIO: Good. She admits guilt. Let's kill her now. TOUGA: I'm with you on that one, Ohtori. >"Now you sound like Miki-kun!" Wakaba laughed. >"He hasn't made a 1/8 scale size clone of himself, has he?" Utena >asked. UTENA: What would he make it with? Play-doh? Touga hasn't got access to genetic labs, after all. >"I hope not," Reanna answered. >"Now that's not a bad idea," Touga remarked, before running off. AKIO: To the Batcave! TOUGA: Right. I'm going to run all the way back to stately Kiryuu Manor and slip through a secret door behind the clock. I will then assume my secret identity, "Bishounenman", and summon my sidekick, "Pianoboy." MIKI: Leave me out of this. >"Good going, Utena!" came the shout from almost everyone present. >Utena shrugged. AKIO: Thrill as our heroine exhibits a total lack of concern for the disaster she has precipitated! UTENA: Yawn. >"Okay, everyone, let's set up the campfire!" Utena said after we had >finished swimming. "Let's find some firewood," Reanna said, bringing >over some branches to the spot we had picked out. Maybe we can all do >something without too much chaos resulting from it. MIKI: I wish she'd stop changing from third to first person narrative! AKIO: It's a lot like shifting from third to first gear on the highway. You just don't want to *do* that. Makes the car barf up the engine. UTENA: There's an analogy that I didn't need. TOUGA [smirking]: And you have firsthand experience with that, don't you, Akio? [AKIO glares] >One little campfire, please kami, just one little campfire... >"Miki, those twigs are too small. >"Mikage, I don't think the management would like it if we burned an >entire tree." TOUGA: I think Mikage's talking to himself now. AKIO: Not surprising. >"Why not?" Mikage asked sincerely. >"Why not..." >"So what, are these 'just right?'" Juri asked, holding up what she >had found. >"No, those are too just right," UTENA: Meaning *what*, exactly? MIKI: Seems to me like she should be saying "The first one was too small, the second one was too big, and the last one was juuust right." AKIO: Kaoru, that makes it sound like Juri's shopping at an adult toystore . . . [MIKI suddenly turns extremely red] >grumbled Saionji, pulling a squirrel tail out of his crocodile's >mouth. AKIO : Dang, he's wastin' the best part! TOUGA: With you, tail is the best part of *anything*. AKIO [glaring]: Look who's talking, playboy. >"Come on, everyone," Kanae said. TOUGA: And Kanae makes another brief cameo appearance. MIKI: Where was she during the swimming scene? TOUGA: I don't know. I'm just glad that we could keep tabs on where Mikage and Mamiya were. >"Let's build this campfire before it gets too dark." She muttered >something under her breath about not trusting her jerk fiancee in the >dark or in the light for that matter. UTENA: *Amen*, Kanae! AKIO: I'm wounded, Utena. UTENA: Then why aren't you bleeding? >"I think we've got enough here," Utena said. "Is everybody here?" >"I don't see Nanami or Touga anywhere or Mitsuru for that matter." AKIO: They're out of my sight. Good enough. TOUGA: I have to wonder where Shiori is. She hasn't been mentioned more than once. AKIO: I'm telling you, Juri saw an opportunity and took it. Shiori's probably floating downriver by now. UTENA: Maybe she ran off into the forest and crashed headfirst into a tree. >Ashilee noted, her attention more on Mikage than anything else. UTENA: My, my. Mikage's got a stalker! MIKAGE'S VOICE: Thrilling. I'm buying an alarm system for the Observatory now. >"Big Brother, what about this one?" Nanami was asking as she held up >a branch. AKIO : Not rounded enough on the end. You'll get splinters in your-- UTENA: *Akio*! [she yanks his ponytail] >Touga, hacksaw in hand (scary thought, that) looked over to Nanami. AKIO [pulling his ponytail out of UTENA's reach]: Then he realized what a perfect opportunity he had to dispose of a body . . . TOUGA: You can stop right there, Ohtori. >"That'll be fine. I wonder if this is enough." >Just then, there was the sound of splintering of wood. Nanami whirled >around to see a tree falling toward her. Nanami screamed. "Big >Brother, save me!" UTENA: Here's an idea--get out of the way your own damn self! TOUGA: Do you *mind*? UTENA: Yes, actually. >"I'll save you, Miss Nanami!" shouted a voice. Mitsuru came out of the >trees, with a saw in his own hand. MIKI: Well, if *that* isn't obvious, I'm not sure what is. >He threw it to the side and dove at Nanami, knocking her out of the >way just in time so the tree barely missed her-but it didn't miss >Mitsuru. UTENA: Of *course* it didn't. It's always so much more entertaining when Mitsuru is hoisted by his own petard. AKIO: Why, Utena. I didn't expect you to say something like that. MIKI: Sorry, but the phrase "hoisted by one's own petard" isn't sexual in the least. AKIO: Dammit! >"Hey! What's going on here?" Touga, Nanami and Mitsuru looked to see >Juri, Reanna, Utena, and Anthy running toward them. AKIO: And all of them were carrying guns . . . >"Oh, my! What happened?" Anthy asked. "What a terrible accident!" >Chu Chu sweatdropped. UTENA: I'd be expecting the little bottomless pit to be eating something instead of paying attention. You wouldn't *believe* how many boxes of cookies we go through in a week . . . TOUGA: Yes, I would. We've been up here on the Satellite with him, after all. AKIO: That reminds me . . . Souji! You'd better start upping the food supplies you send us, unless you *want* us to starve! MIKAGE'S VOICE: I'll make a note of it. >Utena picked up Mitsuru's saw. "So what's this for, Mitsuru?" >"Nothing!" he squeaked as he climbed out from under the tree, seeing >as no one was making any move to help him. "I wasn't being >suspicious!" AKIO: The only way he could be *more* obvious is if he was ringing a bell and wearing a sign around his neck that said "Deviant Case of Munchausen's-by-proxy." UTENA: Case of *what*? MIKI: "Munchausen's" is a mental disorder that leads people to inflict harm on themselves to get attention. "Munchausen's by proxy" is what happens when someone hurts another person--usually a parent harming their own child--for the same reasons. UTENA: That's really, *really* sick. MIKI: I'm not making it up! UTENA: I didn't say you were . . . >"That's Miki's line," Reanna muttered. >"Interrogation!" Juri shouted. "We have to interrogate him!" TOUGA: I think we need to cut Juri's caffeine intake. >Mitsuru squeaked. UTENA: There goes poor Mitsuru, squeaking again. What does the author think he is, a mouse? AKIO: Is he a man, or a mouse? MIKI : M-I-T . . . S-U-R . . . with an ending "U" . . . TOUGA: That was a bit of a stretch. >"No we don't!" Reanna countered. >"Yes we do!" >"Do not!" >"Do too!" >"Do not!" >"Do too!" >"Not!" >"Too!" >"Not!" >"Too!" AKIO: No one will be seated during the thrilling "Juri argues with the SI" scene. [the others make loud snoring noises] >Nanami turned to Touga. "Big Brother, I wanna go home!" ALL: You're not the only one. >"Zip it, Nanami." >"But Big-" >Touga made a zipping motion over his mouth. "ZIP." >"But-" >"ZIP-adee-doo-dah, ZIP-adee-day..." >"Big Brother-" >ZIPPai Unmei Mokushiroku..." >"Big-" >"Bara no ZIP IT. Kakumei no ZIP IT tameni!" [pause] UTENA: In a bizarre way, that was kind of funny. TOUGA: Frankly, I'm finding it rather annoying. >"I knew getting him that Dr. Evil quote book was a mistake..." Utena >grumbled. MIKI: Who would get him one of those in the first place? AKIO: The SI probably did it. >Sooner or later, everyone was gathered around the campfire. Mikage >would every once in a while come up a little to close and sit there >until his skin was almost boiling, and then back off for a few >minutes, before returning. UTENA: You know what this whole fic is reminding me of? AKIO: What? UTENA: "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest." You know, the scene where all the crazy people go out on the fishing boat? This is the same thing, except it's a camp ground and the mental problems are different. Ruka's obsessed with tickling, Mikage's a pyromaniac, Mamiya's a hypochondriac, Kozue is sexually fixated on her brother, Touga thinks he's Dr. Evil, Juri's gone psychotic . . . >Most of them sat holding marshmallows over the fire with sticks, but >they sometimes had to start over when Chu Chu would jump up and steal >it. UTENA: See? Now *that* isn't a surprise. >Mamiya stated that he was allergic to marshmallows. >"Big Brother," Nanami whined. "I HATE marshmallows. What else is >there?" AKIO: Hot lead, delivered at a high rate of speed. TOUGA: Ohtori, shut up. >Touga put his pinkie on his lower lip. "Would you like a Hot Pocket? >Maybe an Eggo?" AKIO: No, Dr. Evil, *you* shut up. >"Touga!" Juri screamed. "If you do one more quote from Austin Powers, >I'll-" UTENA: You know, I've *never* seen Juri get this schizo. Especially not over trivial stuff. AKIO: Her time of the month, I guess. TOUGA: I don't think Juri *has* those. Ice sculptures generally don't. >"Well, throw me a frickin' bone here, Juri." AKIO : Okay. Cubone, I choose you! [mimes throwing a ball, then does a "narrator" voice] The Pokemon Cubone immediately began beating Touga about the head and shoulders . . . TOUGA: That is *not* as funny as you think it is. >"Camping, camping, camping's so much fun..." a trio of voices sang. ALL: Kill them. >"Miki, what are you doing?" Reanna asked, leaning over to look at the >paper that Miki was writing numerous equations on. MIKI: Planning my escape route. >"I'm calculating the exact chocolate-to-marshmallow ratio and cooking >time in order to create the perfect s'more." UTENA: And you are doing this why? MIKI [head in his hands]: Because I'm badly stereotyped. >"Miki, by the time you finish there will be no more chocolate or >marshmallows left." >"Fire... fire... fire..." Mikage was murmuring to himself. UTENA : Fire! Fire! Huh uh huh huh uh huh . . . fire! MIKAGE'S VOICE : That is *not* funny, Tenjou. >"Will somebody please hose him down?" >Reanna sighed. "Okay!" she shouted. "Who wants to hear a scary story?" >"I'm allergic to scary stories!" MIKAGE'S VOICE: I don't recall Mamiya being *that* whiny. MAMIYA'S VOICE: I don't recall *you* being a pyromaniac, Mikage-sama sir. >"Is it an evil scary story?" UTENA: On a wild guess, I'd say that Touga spoke that time. TOUGA: What was your first clue? >"Does it have fire in it?" >"Big Brother, I HATE scary stories!" >"Scary in... what way?" MIKI: I can guess the first two, but the third speaker eludes me. >"ANO NE! This is a story about a school..." Reanna turned on a >flashlight and positioned the light just under her chin. AKIO: Thus causing her nose to light up and casting her pimples into sharply shadowed relief. >"A school?" came several incredulous voices. >"Right. A school." Reanna grinned evilly. "This school is..." >"Shaped like a burial mound," Ruka finished, moving to tickle Miki. MIKI: Gah! Get him away from me! He's creepy! AKIO: You're just jealous because he's got better blue hair than you do. >"No. It's not shaped like anything at all in particular. No courtyard, >no creepy towers, no haunted dorms, no dueling arena-" UTENA: So it's a normal school, then. >Touga felt faint. >"No rose garden-" >Anthy gasped in horror. TOUGA: Three words for you. "Window box gardens." >"What are the students like?" Juri asked, wide eyed. >"Well, first," Reanna grinned evilly. "None of them has ever had a >sword pulled from their chest." >"Not one?" came the horrified chorus. >"Swords are considered a weapon and are not allowed on campus." AKIO: All of the students carry concealed firearms and switchblades instead. TOUGA: And they all play violent video games and Dungeons & Dragons, too. The place is a disaster waiting to happen. >"That's just sick," Saionji said in disgust. >"There has never been a horse, bull or kangaroo loose in this school." MIKI: But they've got a really bad problem with roaches instead. >Anthy pulled in close to Utena for comfort. >"And no one keeps snails or mongooses in their pencil cases and >desks." UTENA: That would take up the room they need for the crack pipes and marijuana stashes, after all. >"What about giant octopus balloons?" Anthy asked in a cautious >whisper. >"Not a single one to be found anywhere. And none of the teachers has >ever been pushed down a flight of stairs." AKIO: Several of them have been shot, however, but none fatally. Yet. >"My God," Kozue gasped. "What is this world coming to?" >"Curry doesn't explode or change people's personalities, either." TOUGA: They rely on Blue Star acid for that. >Nanami pulled close to Touga. >"And... the teachers are for the most part in control of the school." MIKI: At least, that's what they tell each other in the lounge when they're putting on their Kevlar. UTENA: And checking their spare clips. >Touga gasped. "Not the seitokai?" >Reanna shook her head solemnly. >"I don't want to hear anymore." >"This is too creepy!" >"Stop!" >"Tickle, tickle, tickle..." UTENA: You know, I think that Ruka must have been pulled out of post-op for a lobotomy specifically to get into this fic. TOUGA: That wouldn't surprise me at all. >"What a horrible idea, a school like that!" >"There isn't a school that's really like this, is there?" AKIO: Yes, but it's not in *my* world. UTENA [shudder]: Stop that. >"Don't worry. It was just a story," Reanna said. >Akio raised an eyebrow. "You call that a scary story? I'll show you a >scary story. AKIO : It's a story of a lovely lady . . . TOUGA : Sit right back and you'll hear a tale--a tale of a fateful trip . . . >Give me that," he took the flashlight from Reanna and shone it on his >own angular face. >Reanna raised an eyebrow incredulously. "Akio, is this story about >sex?" UTENA: Survey says . . . >Akio looked surprised. "Of course." UTENA: And nobody is really startled by this. >(This caused a scant few to leave the general area and a few more to >come in closer) >"What's so scary about sex?" Reanna asked. TOUGA: She obviously hasn't read that one fic. AKIO: Or *any* lemon fics. Particularly those written by PJ or Crystal Knight. UTENA: Gross. [MIKI is *very* red] >Kozue grinned at Reanna. "You've never had sex with Akio, have you?" TOUGA: The number of people who can say "no" to that question seems to get smaller every day. AKIO [leering at MIKI]: So, Kaoru . . . MIKI: Help! UTENA: You leave him alone, Akio! >"Not yet," Akio grinned and was immediately hit on the side of the >head by one of Reanna's shoes. MIKI: So now she thinks she's Mulan? >Akio frowned. "I'm keeping this," he growled, holding up the shoe. UTENA: What for? You get off on sniffing SI foot funk now, Akio? AKIO: Voodoo doll. Just think voodoo doll. >He cleared his throat. "Now. The story begins on a quiet and cloudy >night... ... all alone... ... knock on the door... ... screamed... >... into the bedroom... ... evil grin... ..." TOUGA: Oh, no. Akio's not only picked up the Shatner speech pattern, he sounds like Ronald Reagan! AKIO: Very funny. >Reanna only caught a few words because, frankly, she'd heard better >stories. UTENA: If she only caught a few words, how would she know that she'd heard better stories? >When Akio was finished, several of the students were left wide-eyed- >some with smiles and others with gaping mouths. Reanna yawned. >"Was that it?" she asked. "Because if that's the best you can do, I'll >just be heading off to bed." TOUGA : Good. Come over this way . . . AKIO: I've got much better taste than *that*. >There came a rather feminine scream followed by a soft, "Come on Miki, >just like in Akio's story..." [MIKI blushes] TOUGA: Yech, not *that* story, I hope. Careful, Miki, or you'll wind up with weights hanging from your scrotum and a thirteen-inch sausage up your behind. [MIKI faints dead away] UTENA: *Now* look what you did! >"Maybe we should just go home tomorrow." >Akio laughed. "Face it, Reanna. You can take the students out of >Ohtori, but you can't take the Ohtori out of the students." AKIO: I like the dirty implications of that remark. [UTENA swats him] >END ALL : Yay. >NOTE: Gomen nasai... a bit of an anticlimax there at the ending. AKIO: Oh, I don't know about that. Sounds like Kozue was working herself up toward a pretty good climax. [UTENA grabs MIKI's notebook and pounds AKIO over the head with it] >My indifference to Akio's story is me making fun of myself. ;) TOUGA: Why go the extra yard? The fic alone does the work. MIKAGE'S VOICE: Watch it, Kiryuu! >I've never written a story of kinky nature for the sake of being >kinky, but I've read plenty along the basic lines of Akio's story. I >will not be displaying any one this website, either. >Sorry, hentai fans. AKIO: You don't really have to. There are *plenty* of fanfic archives with that sort of smut out there. One more or less won't make much difference. UTENA: Whatever. Let's get out of here. Touga, help me carry Miki, will you? [Duelist's door sequence . . . in reverse!] [1. You hand the Sword of Dios back to the Rose Bride and tell her you had a wonderful time.] [2. You suddenly remember your opponent. Thinking quickly, you point past him and shout "Look! It's Dios!" When he turns to look, you yank the rose off his chest.] [3. The acrophobia doesn't bother you this time, because you're busy reeling around deafened by the bells tolling your victory.] [4. Stopping at the basket, you snip your hasty stitches and return the decorations before getting back into the elevator to descend.] [5. The elevator stops--nearer the bottom this time--and you stroll down the remaining stairs.] [6. You try to reclose the gate properly, but the rippling water in the reservoir suddenly reminds you of all the soda you had before the fic, and you make a hasty exit to run for the lavatory.] [SoR bridge. The duelists start picking up their guns; UTENA pulls a little tin box of camo paint out of one pocket and begins putting it on again. The yellow light flashes, and AKIO, watching the preparations, reaches over and pushes the button] [Observatory. MIKAGE glowers into the Viewscreen. It's like he knows what's coming] MIKAGE: *Well*? [SoR] UTENA: Not even close, Mikage. Watching *you* act like a pyromaniac was really entertaining. TOUGA: The characterizations were awful, but at least they were stereotyped to the point of being *funny* to some degree. The fic wasn't even pretending to be a serious piece. MIKI: Not too many errors in the writing, either. That was nice. The part that really bothered me was the switch between third and first person narrative in a couple of places. [he takes the tin from UTENA and begins gingerly dabbing paint on his face] AKIO [leaning against the console]: The SI was irritating, but nowhere near as bad as some. She wasn't totally perfect and didn't lord it over everyone else. How considerate of her. [Observatory. MIKAGE glares at UTENA] MIKAGE: I am *not* a pyromaniac! [he turns to look behind him] *Am* I, Mamiya? [MAMIYA is tied to a stake set up in the middle of a heap of kindling and branches. He makes muffled noises through a cloth gag and squirms a bit in the ropes, nervously watching a burning tiki torch that's been propped up against a nearby table] MIKAGE [turning back]: See? Mamiya agrees with me. [SoR. The duelists are staring at the screen] UTENA: You're a really sick person, Mikage. Come on, Miki--let's go cap that T-rex and get to the next level. [JURI, dressed rather like Emma Peel from "The Avengers," walks onto the bridge. She's carrying a shoulder-mounted rocket launcher, and everybody backs up a few steps before glimpsing the infrared lens mounted in the business end] JURI: Mind if I join you? I think I need to work out some aggression. UTENA: Uh . . . sure, sempai. [The players leave the bridge and head down the hall to the Holocabana. AKIO, smirking, keys in a few lines on a touchpad. A few moments later, voices come over the intercom] TOUGA'S VOICE: What the--? JURI'S VOICE : Why, thank you, Akio. How thoughtful. UTENA'S VOICE: I didn't know there was a "Mikage" WAD for this game! MIKI'S VOICE: I, uh, wrote one the other night, just for fun . . . [Observatory. MIKAGE grinds his teeth together] MIKAGE: I'll get all of you, sooner or later! [he punches the Button. As the scene fades, he turns toward MAMIYA and reaches for the tiki torch] Now just keep repeating "I will not sew hideous outfits ever again, and I will *read* every fic from beginning to end from now on" in your head, Mamiya . . . *PWOOSH!* Disclaimers and Legalese (in case you missed them the first time around) Original story written by: Reanna MSTing written by: Chris Rain Mystery Science Theater 3000 is owned by Best Brains, Inc. All "Revolutionary Girl Utena"/"Shoujo Kakumei Utena" characters are the property of B-Papas, Chiho Saito, TV Tokyo, Shonenn Iinkai, Software Sculptors, Central Park Media Corporation, and any other companies or individuals holding legal claim to them. I have used them here without permission, but hopefully I will not be viciously sued, as I will not be able to buy any more cool merchandise if I'm broke. ^_^ Comments may be sent to: rainclash@yahoo.com You can send negative comments, too, but I prefer more civilized discourse as befits mature adults in this society. Nyaaaaah!! Visit the Satellite of Revolution at its very own website! http://www.mindspring.com/~khabal/rst3k.htm Visit the Utena Encyclopedia! Translated scripts, song lyrics, images, episode synopses, character profiles, links, and more! http://www.duellists.tj Visit Themes of the Revolution! Archive of mp3 sound files from the Utena original soundtracks! http://www.duellists.tj/~anshi/ Visit Mokushiroku.net! Downloads, wallpapers, Winamp skins, even music videos! http://mokushiroku.net/utena/index.html >Touga put his pinkie on his lower lip. "Would you like a Hot Pocket? >Maybe an Eggo?"