REVOLUTIONARY SCIENCE THEATRE 3000 Episode 104: "Wacky Adventures" Written by: Helen and Angela Nguyen MSTed by: Chris Rain (rainclash@yahoo.com) This is a MSTing of a story written by Helen and Angela Nguyen. No insult, injury, infringement, or painful debilitating illness is intended by this MSTing. I do this because (a) it's fun and (b) I have lots of time and imagination on my hands. MST3K is owned by Best Brains, Inc. All "Revolutionary Girl Utena"/"Shoujo Kakumei Utena" characters are the property of B-Papas, Chiho Saito, TV Tokyo, Shonenn Iinkai, Software Sculptors, Central Park Media Corporation, and possibly a partridge in a pear tree, though the latter is dicey to prove under law. ^_^ Reading this MST can be greatly helped by having at least a passing familiarity with the series; if you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it. (Shameless plug requirements met. Onward!) [SoR Bridge. Everyone is watching the screens scattered across the walls, which show live feeds from the cameras on the Satellite's hull] UTENA: I can't see it in this one any more. Did we lose sight of her? AKIO: No. I've got a shot of her right here. [The screen that AKIO is watching displays a view that has the arc of Earth in one corner, and a small silvery form near the middle] UTENA: I still can't believe that Nanami stole a shuttle. TOUGA: I've long since failed to be startled by anything Nanami does, to be honest. MIKI: Uh-oh. Look, there's another ship out there! AKIO: Where the hell did that thing come from?! It's huge! MIKI: It's hailing the shuttle! Let me see if I can open a channel and listen in . . . [MIKI fiddles with something under the console, and the speakers crackle] COMM CHANNEL: . . .cknowledge. Repeat, this is the UPSF destroyer "Soyokaze," hailing the unknown vessel--please acknowledge! [The duelists all stare at each other] AKIO: I just don't want to know. [the message light starts flashing; MIKI hastily switches off the comm channel and closes up the panel under the console, then hits the button] [Observatory. MIKAGE is, of course, leering into the Viewscreen] MIKAGE: And a very good morning to you, my little spaceborne subjects. How are we all feeling today? [SoR] AKIO: Hate-filled, thanks very much. UTENA: What do you want *now*, Mikage? [Observatory] MIKAGE: You keep asking the obvious questions, Miss Tenjou. I'm sure you'll all be delighted to know that I have a nice new fic for you to enjoy. Mamiya, the fic-sender! . . . Mamiya? MAMIYA: Which button is it? I forgot . . . MIKAGE [gritting his teeth]: It's the green one, Mamiya. Press the green button. MAMIYA: Oh, right! [SoR. Lights, klaxons, you know the drill] TOUGA: Damn . . . Anthy! Can you keep an eye on this screen and see what happens? ANTHY: Of course, Touga. TOUGA: Great. UTENA: I'll do it this time. WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIIIIGN!! [Duelist's door sequence!] [6. It's the gate to the Arena. You try to open it, but you haven't got a Rose Seal ring. Finally, you pick the lock with a credit card and walk through.] [5. It's the spiral staircase from hell. You make it about halfway up before realizing there's an elevator and climbing in.] [4. The elevator stops about ten feet from the top. You walk halfway up the rest of the stairs, realize that you aren't getting a fancier outfit, and pause at the convenient basket placed on the stairs to sew on the decorations yourself.] [3. The archway at the top of the staircase. You accidentally glance over the side, suffer a violent attack of acrophobia, and cling to the side of the archway, whimpering for your mommy.] [2. You wait for the Rose Bride to place the rose on your chest, but first you have to help her pull the thorns off. Ow! Ow! Ow!] [1. The Rose Bride does her spiel and falls back over your arm; you draw the Sword of Dios from her chest and use it to hack down the final door into the theatre.] [the duelists take their seats--from left to right: TOUGA, UTENA, AKIO, and MIKI] >WACKY ADVENTURES MIKI: Another fanfic in the "let's see how surreal we can get!" vein? I *already* don't like this . . . [TOUGA pantomimes searching for something] AKIO: What are you doing? TOUGA: Looking for Yakko and Dot. UTENA: That's "wack*y*," not "Wakk*o*." >Wakaba was walking through the school's park AKIO : As I was strolling through the park one day . . . UTENA: It's not merry, and it's not May. AKIO: Aren't you the bright and cheerful one today? UTENA: It's hard to be bright and cheerful when we're subjected to crap like *this*. >which is a short cut to her dorm room.. It was nice and quiet with >the breeze blowing through her face. TOUGA: *Through* her face?! UTENA: I'm sorry, but Wakaba is far from being empty-headed. AKIO: Gives a new meaning to the term "big-mouthed." Bet she'd be entertaining in certain, um, activities. UTENA: Akio . . . >Until they arrived. UTENA: That doesn't sound very good at all. [TOUGA hums the theme from "Jaws"] >Angela, who was being chased by a huge rolling boulder carrying. MIKI: Carrying . . . *what*? AKIO [pats MIKI's shoulder]: Don't let it get to you so soon. Be strong. MIKI: Easy for *you* to say. >She was carrying a small golden toliet paper roll on her right hand, TOUGA: I guess that's what the "carrying" was all about. MIKI: She can't even spell "toilet" . . . AKIO: I suspect that's where this fic belongs. >and a can of whip cream on her right hand. She also was wearing a >football jersey, cowboy pants, fishing boots, a ^robinhood hat^, and >a zorro cape on her back. [ALL blink and stare at the screen] UTENA: What sort of an outfit is *that*?! TOUGA: That worn by the heavily medicated, I'd guess. AKIO: More like a dominatrix from "Clowns R Us". [the others stare at AKIO] AKIO: What? >Helen on the other hand was standing on one of the trees swinging so >called 'vines' from the trees while a giant polar bear was thrashing >through the trees.. MIKI: Doesn't . . . make . . . sense . . . UTENA: Miki-kun, if it gets to be too much, I have some aspirin. TOUGA: So there were trees involved somewhere in this, right? AKIO: Lots of them, I think. >She was wearing leopard skin, elves shoes, a peacock on her head, and >holding a electric eel on her right hand. TOUGA: Sounds like a shocking situation. MIKI: Not half as shocking as this composition so far. UTENA: The last thing we need are puns built around this thing, guys. AKIO: Just a display of what happens when "surreal" is confused with "drug-addled." Remember, children, only *you* can prevent surreality abuse! >Wakaba was in a shock when they saw them. UTENA: *Clear*! AKIO: She's dead, Jim. >"Um...what exactly are you guys doing? And why are you dressed like >that?". MIKI: Yes! Yes! Tell us! TOUGA: Miki, hang in there. It's too early to lose it. MIKI: It's *never* too early! UTENA: Do you really want to give Mikage the satisfaction? MIKI [taking a deep breath]: No, Utena-kun. Thank you. > Angela replies. "Um...could you hold on a moment?". UTENA : One moment, *please*. >Helen tossed the electric eel to the polar bear which the bear eat. TOUGA: Let's give it to Mikey. He'll eat anything! MIKI: No, I won't. TOUGA: I *said* "Mikey," not "Miki." MIKI: Oh. >But the shock from the eel causes the bear to be unconsious. AKIO: Does that mean he's "bearly" conscious? UTENA: Enough with the bad puns. TOUGA: You're implying that there's such a thing as a *good* pun. >Then Helen took out her golf club and shouts "FORE!" TOUGA: Three! Two! One! Zero! Blast-off! MIKI: I'd love to blast off out of here. *Now*. >and smacks the boulder to pieces. AKIO: It's Hammer time. TOUGA: Looks like she *could* touch that--all *over* the place. >Angela also took out her mini-vacumn and used it to sucks the >pebbles. [AKIO starts to open his mouth] UTENA [claps a hand over AKIO's mouth]: No, I don't think so. Not with Miki here. MIKI: The only thing sucking like a "vacuum" around here is this fic. >Then she pushed the 'reverse' switch and shoots at the bear who >woke up and ran away leaving the eel behind.. TOUGA: Intelligent bear. Even though the fic *did* say that the bear actually ate the eel . . . UTENA: Syrup of ipecac *can* be your friend. >Angela puts her mini-vacumn away. Then both of them went to a sailor >moon formation and was back to their normal uniform. [ALL groan] AKIO: More wannabe Senshi. UTENA: "Crossover" is a word I *never* want to hear. MIKI: Well, if their "normal uniform" is the usual girl's uniform on campus, there's at least some logic in use . . . >Angela sighed."Phew...okay! We're done! Now, what are you going to >say?". TOUGA : Oh, nothing. Never mind. You know, if you go *that* way, there's this really *high* rose garden with a really *nice* view, and a very *helpful* girl who will make sure you get to see Ohtori Academy as well as her brother did . . . AKIO: You *had* to remind me of that. UTENA: Why do you care? It's movie continuity. [the Satellite shudders] MIKAGE'S VOICE: *Miss* Tenjou! UTENA: Touga started it! >Wakaba clears her throat. "Um...What's going on here and why are you >dressing like that?". AKIO : Practicing for Halloween. Oh, and we both took massive hits of acid about twenty minutes ago. UTENA : And someone bet us seventy dollars that we wouldn't do it. MIKI [opening up his notebook]: Dual punctuation. That last period's not needed. Nor have all the other periods after question marks and quote marks been necessary. >Helen volunteers to answer this question."We were on a adventures in >the mystic world of the Wacky!" AKIO: I think she means "wacky weed." UTENA: You talk about drugs a *lot*, Akio. AKIO: I drive at extreme speeds and ignore most of the rules of the road, I expose various parts of my body frequently, and I seduce teenaged high school students despite having a fiancee. With a score like that, why should I pass up a piddling thing like drug usage? UTENA: Just forget I said anything, okay? >Here's a list of stories that we made! If you want to read it, click >on the title! AKIO [starting to stand]: I think I'll pass. I don't want to read *any* of it. MIKAGE'S VOICE: Life's not fair, is it? SIT DOWN. TOUGA: Brace for impact. It's not over yet. UTENA: I wonder how much there is? MIKI: If all of it's like this introduction, it's far, far too much. >The Beginning MIKI: The longest of journeys begins with but a single step . . . AKIO: So what happens when that one step lands you in a pile of doggie surprise? TOUGA: Then your journey becomes one of much cursing, muttering and scraping of your shoe. AKIO: You mean something like this fic? UTENA: Something like that. >At the haunted mansion, Utena and Anthy just came [AKIO snickers. UTENA smacks him] TOUGA: Would that be called a spiritual experience? [UTENA smacks TOUGA as well] >back from school. They went to their dorm room and decided to AKIO: Finish what they had started? UTENA: You just don't learn, do you? [raising a hand] AKIO [ducking away from her]: Hey, I'm entitled to *some* fun up here. >have tea like every other day. "Utena: Phew... MIKI : Miss Utena, did you forget to shower after basketball? UTENA : "Secret." Strong enough for a man, but pH- balanced for a woman. >I'm just glad that I just finished that English exam. It wasn't easy >though.". Anthy speaks. AKIO [pantomimes holding out a doggy treat]: Speak, Anthy! Speak! Good girl . . . UTENA: Think you can be *more* patronizing, Akio? AKIO: I can try. MIKI [carefully looking over the screen]: No paragraph breaks at the change of speakers. I can't tell who's saying what . . . >"Oh...I'm so glad that you finished it Miss Utena.". TOUGA : That's a very *interesting* way of eating a banana, Miss Utena. I never would have thought of swallowing it whole . . . [UTENA gets a grip on his hair] TOUGA: Ow! Not the hair! Ow! >Utena stood up in frustration. "I thought I told you to stop calling >me Miss Utena! Just call me Utena. Do you understand?". Anthy gave a >smile to Utena. "Yes Miss Utena!". Utena sighs. UTENA : Utena! AKIO : Anthy! UTENA : Utena! AKIO : Anthy! MIKI: And so on, and so on, and so on . . . >After they finished with tea and all the yapping of being a normal >girl, UTENA: Hey, I resent that! "Normal girls" shouldn't be likened to annoying little lap dogs! TOUGA: I wouldn't mind having you in *my* lap . . . AKIO: Back off, Kiryuu. TOUGA: Take your own advice, Ohtori! UTENA: How about *both* of you shut up? >there was a bell at the main door.. TOUGA: Avon calling! MIKI: What sort of bell? Silver bell? Jingle bell? Liberty Bell? UTENA: Liberty's starting to sound very appealing right about now. >Utena and Anthy went down the stairs to answer the door. Utena opens >the door to find a man in a mailman uniform TOUGA: You think he might be--gasp!--a mailman? AKIO: Nah, too obvious . . . >carrying two objects. TOUGA: On a wild guess, I'd say it's the mail. AKIO: You don't say. >"Hello..Are you Miss Tenjou and Miss Himemiya?" asked the mailman. TOUGA : No, we're Bob and Doug MacKenzie, you hoser. AKIO : No, I'm Hans and she's Franz and we're going to pump [clap] you up! UTENA : You *would* think of pumping. [AKIO smirks] >"Uh..yeah. I'm Utena Tenjou and she's Anthy Himemiya." replied Utena. >The mailman hands two letters. MIKI: Today's fic is brought to you by the letters "D" and "F". UTENA: I think you're being too kind to the fic. >One seem to be a normal one and the other is in a manilla envelope. MIKI: There's actually something stated as *normal* around here? TOUGA: Looks like the fic's slipping a bit. >"Here you go!". Utena takes the two letters. "Uh...thank you.". AKIO: Now begone, peon! Your pointless supporting role is over with. >Then the mailman left and leaving the two girls. MIKI: Yes, if he left, he *would* be leaving them there. Utena-kun, you mentioned aspirin? . . . >"Open it Miss Utena!" Anthy curiously asked. TOUGA: I don't know if that's a good idea. The return address is from someone named "Ted Kazcynski" . . . MIKI : Imperative exclamation . . . described as interrogative . . . it makes no *sense* . . . UTENA: Here's the aspirin, Miki-kun. [MIKI grabs the bottle and stuffs eight capsules into his mouth, gulping them down hastily] >Utena glanced at Anthy and open's the small letter. > >To: Utena Tenjou and Anthy Himemiya >From: The School's Board Meeting [ALL blink] TOUGA: Hell, that's one *talented* meeting the school board has, to be able to write its own letters. AKIO: That would be nice. It would certainly save some money--no need for a secretary for the board minutes. >Dear both madam, AKIO: "Please send over two strippers, one exotic dancer, and one nude girl in a cake." TOUGA: What's the matter, Ohtori? Not getting enough? AKIO: Actually, I was going to send them to *you*, Kiryuu. [smirk] [TOUGA glares] >We have accepted two transfer students who will be new to this >school. Since the lack of dorm rooms, we have decided to have rooms >next to your previous dorm room. UTENA : The construction crew's moving in tomorrow. Sorry about the inconvenience. TOUGA: This reads like a badly translated video game manual. MIKI: And this letter's supposed to be written by the school *board* members? [groans and covers his face with his hands] AKIO: No, it's written by the school board meeting, remember? >Please show them around the school and give them you best effort. AKIO [sexy smirk]: Oh, I'm sure they will . . . UTENA: *Akio*! TOUGA : Gimme an "O"! Gimme an "H"! Gimme a "T"! Gimme an "O"! Gimme an "R"! Gimme an "I"! What's that spell? MIKI: "This fic is horrid." >Their names are Helen and Angela Nguyen. They're are both relatives >who will do crazy things. Thank you for you cooperation. UTENA: Yeah, thanks for nothing, board meeting. MIKI [sighing]: It's either "They are" or "They're". Make up your mind. >The Principle [ALL blink at the screen] UTENA: "The Principle?" MIKI: That would be "principal". But there *isn't* one at Ohtori. He's the acting Dean of Students . . . AKIO: So therefore this whole thing is irrelevant. The end! MIKAGE'S VOICE: You wish. >"Helen and Angela Nguyen...that sounds familiar." Utena speaks. TOUGA: Oh, of *course*. Self-insertion warning sign number one. UTENA: I guess it's the growing trend in this genre. >"Oh? You know both of them?" says Anthy. "Utena: Well...I can't >remember that clearly, but I heard these names before.". UTENA: I know! I saw them on "Ohtori's Most Wanted"! TOUGA : And top of the list is Ohtori Akio himself . . . AKIO: I *heard* that, Kiryuu. MIKI: Well, the abuse of the English language in this work might be considered criminal . . . >The both of them wonders when will the transfer students arrive. UTENA : I wonder, I wonder, do you know what I wonder? There'll be two new students at the academy. AKIO : Oh, brave hero, to be faced with such trials! But there are rules to dealing with SI's . . . UTENA : Do you know what they are? AKIO and UTENA : Do you know? Do you know? Do you know what they are? > Utena decided to open the second letter. Then something was moving >in the manilla envelope. TOUGA: Has Anthy been having her animal friends sent to her via mail or something? UTENA: Not to *my* knowledge. >Suddenly Utena drops the envelope and out come AKIO: A pair of highly venomous cobras, who immediately bite Utena and Anthy, killing them quickly and ending the fic. UTENA: Hey! TOUGA: Desperate for this thing to end, aren't you? AKIO: *Yes*. >two girls. The girl with her hair tied her hair up AKIO: What is this? Hairstyle by bondage? MIKI [twitching a little as he writes in his notebook]: Totally needless and confusing repetition of words . . . >shouts. "HI YO KO!". UTENA: What does John Lennon's widow have to do with any of this? TOUGA: Well, if this is someone's "Double Fantasy", it's a horribly annoying one. >Utena and Anthy looks at them in a dazed. MIKI: I think *anyone* would look at them in a "daze". >The girl with her hair down picks up the envelop and reach in to take >out what it seems to be a mini-vacumn. Then she wacks it on the other >girl's head. AKIO: Yes! *Yes*! Smack her again! Slam her in the gut! TOUGA: Violent much, Akio? AKIO: How often do you get to see an avatar actually being *hurt* in one of these? TOUGA: Hmm . . . You've got a point. [pauses] Whack her a good one! > >_< [ALL stare at the screen] TOUGA: The *hell*? UTENA: I think the fic's trying to be overly cute with some sort of emoticon. MIKI: But . . . but . . . *emoticons*? In something that's purportedly formal writing? UTENA [gesturing rudely at the screen]: Oh yeah? Well, "greater than-underline-less than" to you too! AKIO: You're getting awfully crabby. UTENA: This fic would make a *saint* crabby. >Girl with ponytail: "Oww! What did ya do that for!". TOUGA : Because I felt like it. AKIO: Because you're an obnoxious little-- [There's a buzzing sound. AKIO jumps in his chair, hair smoking] MIKAGE'S VOICE: What have you been told about making fun of the authors? AKIO: I was making fun of the *avatar*! MIKAGE'S VOICE: Well . . . >Girl with hair down: "You don't need to say THAT loud!" TOUGA: No, say "this" loud. MIKI: Say what loud? TOUGA: "This". MIKI [looking around in confusion]: But, Seitokaichou, I don't see anything . . . TOUGA [sighing]: Never mind, Miki. >Anthy: "Um...I belived there's no one named Yohko here." UTENA : But last week, I was proven wrong. See, this demon showed up, and then this girl with a sword-- TOUGA : Shhh! We aren't supposed to talk about that! AKIO: Really, those rumors about the East Dorm being haunted are just *rumors* . . . >Girl with ponytail: "I know that. I just my smack, dandy way of >saying hello!" > >Anthy: "Oh....okay." UTENA: *I'll* give you a smack. It's a dandy way of saying "hello". TOUGA: How much you want to bet Anthy's got a vacant smile on her face as she says that? AKIO: No bet there. Anthy almost *always* has a vacant smile on her face when she says anything. MIKI: Hey . . . >Utena: "Erm...are you two Helen and Angela?" > >Girl with ponytail: "Yup!' TOUGA: Gasp. We had no clue at all. UTENA: Absolutely no way of seeing *that* one coming. Came right out of the blue. >The two transfer students bows in front of the surprised girls. UTENA: "Bows"? AKIO: What kind? Cross? Long? Velvet? MIKI [scribbling in notebook]: Verb tense doesn't match the subject of the sentence. >The girl with her hair down begins to speak. AKIO: --in an evil demonic voice as she levitated off the floor . . . >"As you say, yes. We're Helen and Angela! Over there is Helen and I'm >Angela!". UTENA: You think these two are Helen and Angela? TOUGA: No way. Must be someone else. >Utena knows the names of these two girls before and a exclamation >marks pops out of her head. [ALL blink] TOUGA: *What*? MIKI : Anime visual symbol . . . used in text . . . UTENA: Stay cool, Miki-kun. Don't let it get to you. >"Oh! I remember! You two used to go to the samed elementry school >that I went to!". AKIO: Now that sounds like a dog of a school. TOUGA: That's "Samoyed", Akio. AKIO: Oh. >Helen: "Oh? You remeber know?". UTENA: No, but if you hum a few bars . . . >Utena: "Yeah...It's been a long time....but you guys always moved to >a different school." AKIO: And Utena would know this *how*? UTENA: I'm psychic, didn't you know? And for $4.95 a minute, you too can access the Psychic Utena Network by telephone and learn what the stars have in store for you. MIKI: Must have something to do with the power the Victor gets . . . >Angela: "Well, because the principle always kicks out of because >we're bizzare." TOUGA: You'd think that after the second or third time they were booted by the principal for being too strange, they'd learn their lesson. UTENA: I'd love to know what sort of parents put up with their kids getting kicked out all the time. AKIO: Lazy ones. > Utena sighs. "Oh well...what's in the past is in the past. Let me >show you to your dorm room.". TOUGA : Take me to your leader. >They went up the stairs and went to the room next to Utena and >Anthy's. Utena: "Here! This is your room! If you need any help, our >room is always open to you guys." AKIO: And so are our-- UTENA [claps her hand over AKIO's mouth]: *No*. >Both: "Thanks!". MIKI: --FOR NOTHING!! UTENA: Easy there, Miki-kun. >Anthy looks around the two girls curiously. "Um...it seems that you >don't have any clothes or luggage that you brought. Helen takes out >the manilla envelope out of her shirt. "Oh? We have it right here!" >She emtpies the envelope and everything comes out (that it is >impossible, but hey! It's wacky!). MIKI [throwing the notebook against the wall just under the screen]: I lost track of all the things wrong with that section, starting with the lack of ending quotes on Anthy's statement. And it's not wacky, just stupid. TOUGA: If it's *impossible*, then it shouldn't be happening, "wacky" or not. [UTENA hums the "Mission: Impossible" theme] AKIO: Your mission, should you accept it, is to remove all the "wackiness" and outright stupidity from this fic. UTENA: That *is* an impossible mission . . . >The room was completed with drawers, a small circular table, full bed >sheets and pillow on each bed, and a complete set of tea cups and a >tea pot with roses engraved on it. MIKI: Drawers? With no dressers? AKIO: Maybe they just stack them up against the wall. >There was also a tank AKIO : Tanks for the memories . . . UTENA: I *wish* a tank would run over this fic. >which it seems to have two lobsters and a glass-box which there was >three snapping turtles. Utena stares at the peculiar sea animals >while Helen plays with the lobsters with Anthy. TOUGA : Here, Anthy! Hold out your hands and I'll let the lobsters pinch your fingers with their claws. Come on! It'll be a lot of fun! >Utena: "Um...those lobsters for dinner?" AKIO : Are you pondering what I'm pondering? >Helen's eyes starts to widen and hugges the two lobsters. "WHAT??? >Are you crazy!?" UTENA: No crazier than you are. >"Utena: Okay. Um...Angela? Exactly what are those animals doing >there?" > >Angela looks at Utena. "Don'tcha remember our pets?" > >Utena: "Pets?" TOUGA: I suppose it's more "wackiness" to make pets of things with hard shells, snapping beaks, and pinching claws. AKIO: I don't know. I think there's a lot of married men out there that have the very same thing. UTENA: *Akio*! >Angela: "Yeah! Those three turtles are Snap, Crackle, and Pop, MIKI: They sure look funny for cereal elves. >and Helen's lobsters are Butter and Lime! We showed them at Show and >Tell at our old school!" > >Utena: "Oh yeah! I remember now. They're sure gotten big!" UTENA : Yup, they sure are. Them's big ol' crawdaddies, and them's good eatin'. [AKIO is just staring at UTENA] TOUGA: You know, it seems a bit dumb, naming pets that are not supposed to be eaten after things that make you think of eating them. MIKI: Butter and Lime sound like they ought to be some sort of chaser . . . TOUGA: With claws like that, you bet. >Helen turns her head around. "Yup! Because we take 'special' care of >them!" MIKI [shudders]: What sort of *special* care? UTENA: It's probably best to not know. TOUGA : Please have some of my special curry! AKIO: You know, it might be a better fic if Butter and Lime switched personalities with Angela and Helen. >Utena then gives a smile. "Well, welcome home!" AKIO : --now GO AWAY!! >New Members of the Student Council [long silence] ALL: Noooooo!! > When Angela and Helen was getting used of their dorm room, there >was a knock on the door. UTENA : Knock, knock, knockin' on Heaven's door . . . TOUGA: I wouldn't call *that* room Heaven. AKIO: Little pigs, little pigs, let me in . . . MIKI: Looks like word's getting out in Ohtori that the two avatars have fresh lobster. AKIO: I suppose that's better than them having crabs . . . UTENA: *Akio*! That's *disgusting*! AKIO: What, you don't like king crab or snow crab? UTENA: Rrrgh! >"Helen: I'll get it!". TOUGA : And they're off! Angela closes in on the door from one side, Helen from the other. Looks like they're on a collision course! *Oh*--they've hit! What a tragedy! AKIO: How many here wish she *does* get it, and I don't mean the door? Raise your hands. [ALL raise their right hands.] AKIO: I thought as much . . . > As Helen opens the door, there was a hunky guy with red hair and >dressed in a special uniform. AKIO: Does that make him a hunka-hunka burnin' love? UTENA: I'm sure *he* thinks so. MIKI: It's Touga-sempai. What *else* would he think? TOUGA: Hello? I'm sitting right here, you know. >Angela starts to drool over the carpet. AKIO: Well, *that's* not sanitary. I bet the Housekeeping people just love that. UTENA: We don't *have* Housekeeping in the East Dorm, remember? We have Anthy. That's it. AKIO: Oh, that's right. Budget cuts. >The hunky guy started to talk. "My name is Touga from the student >council. MIKI: I thought your last name was "Kiryuu," not "From the student council," Seitokaichou. TOUGA: Not funny, Miki. >Is this Helen and Angela's room?". AKIO : Is this the room of the latest losers--er--magnificent avatars to come to Ohtori Academy? > Helen nods her head. "Yup! That's us!". They both exchanged >handshake. "Touga: Can I come in?". Helen smiles. 'Sure! You can come >in of course!" AKIO: Of *course* you can come in, especially if it's-- UTENA: You go any farther with that and I'll smack you, Akio. AKIO: All right. I'm stopping. MIKI: I *suppose* "exchanging handshake" is better than "swapping spit." TOUGA: At least it's not a "passionate, flaming lip-lock." >As Touga comes in, Helen smacks Angela on the head >_< TOUGA: Of *course*. Friends always smack friends on the head. UTENA: *I* do it because you and Akio aggravate me. AKIO : If you're happy and you know it, smack her head . . . MIKI [shuddering and hiding his face]: More . . . emoticons . . . fictional writing . . . >"Hey! We have a guest you know? Go get some tea!". >Angela snaps out of her daydream. TOUGA: CRACK! AKIO : Aaaaah!! My spine! >"Oh...okay.". As the two where MIKI: Why's the fic asking *us*? It's supposed to be telling the story . . . UTENA: Don't think about it, Miki-kun. >seated at the table, Angela brought the tea set with rose design. >While Angela pours the tea, she started to asked Touga. "So, you said >that your name is Touga right?". TOUGA: Actually, my name's John Belushi, and I had asked you if you wanted to go to a toga party. MIKI: What exactly *is* a toga party anyway? AKIO: The student council president in bed with three girls fawning over him as he's talking on the phone. UTENA: *What*?! Touga! TOUGA: I didn't do anything! Don't hit me! >Touga sips on the tea. >"Yes. My name is Touga Kiryuu. I'm the President of the Student >Council.". "Helen: Thats must be a hard time being a President.". AKIO : Oh, indeed. He must have it hard *all* the time. TOUGA: Bill Clinton would know. UTENA: Akio . . . Touga . . . AKIO and TOUGA: What? UTENA: Shut up! >Touga smiles. "Not really. You get used to it when you're in >charge.". AKIO: So, Touga, are you "large and in charge," I wonder? UTENA [clapping a hand over his mouth]: That's enough of *that*. TOUGA [smirking]: I'll never tell. >As Angela was sipping on the tea, something came to her mind. UTENA: INTENSE--THINKING--*ACTION*!! [TOUGA peers at the screen] MIKI: What are you doing, Seitokaichou? TOUGA: Just as I thought. The light bulb above Angela's head is only a 10-watt bulb. >"Oh yeah! Exactly why did you come here for?". Touga puts the tea cup >down. "I heard you two are the best of the best at you old school >when it comes to fencing.". UTENA : Oh, yeah. That cyclone fencing was the worst! MIKI : Not to mention the brick and wood ones as well! You really had to know what you were doing then. AKIO: Now honestly. If they were always getting tossed out by, ahem, the "principle" for being too strange, how could they be the best at *anything* in any of their old schools? TOUGA: Just don't think about it. You'll miss the headache that way. >Both Angela and Helen raises their golf club and the mini-vacumn. MIKI: So they both have a golf club and mini-vacuum? UTENA: Hard to say, Miki-kun. >Angela shouts. "Yup! I was the team captain of the vacumn- >fencing club and Helen-san here is also the team captain of the golf- >fencing club!". [ALL stare dumbfounded at the screen for a few moments] MIKI [whimpering and hiding his face]: Vacuum-fencing? Golf-fencing? Mommy . . . AKIO: For some reason, the words "There's no such goddamn thing" are running through my mind. > Touga stands up and looks through the lobster tank while >curiously wondering why do they have lobsters. TOUGA: I spy, with my little blue eye . . . AKIO: . . . two obnoxious SIs. >"Then it's true then. How do you like to be a member of the Student >Council? MIKI : Wouldn't you like to be a Pepper too? UTENA: There you go! Shrug it off and hang in there. It can't last forever. MIKI: It already feels like forever . . . >You get a ring if you're a member.". Helen and Angela eye's started >to get watery. "^Snif snif^ AKIO : Um, Mr. President? Your aftershave is triggering our allergies . . . >....It's our dream to be in the Student Council!". UTENA : To dream the impossible dream . . . MIKI: No such luck there. Want to bet they get in so they can fight you, Utena-kun? AKIO: No bet there, Miki. TOUGA: "In their dreams" is right . . . > Touga snaps out his daydream of fried lobsters TOUGA: I don't fantasize about fried lobsters. I have much better things to daydream about . . . UTENA: *Oh*? TOUGA: . . . which I will not discuss in mixed company. >and walks towards the two girls. "That's good to hear. Here's your >ring.". Touga hands out two rings with single rose design in the >middle. It's was a silver ring, but there was something wrong with >these ring. AKIO : Um, Mr. President? Why does my ring say "Made in Portugal" inside the band? TOUGA: Now here's a pleasant surprise. The avatars aren't getting genuine, honest-to-Dios Rose Seal rings. UTENA: Maybe Akio lost the licensing? AKIO: I did *not*! >Angela points at the ring where there's a small tube in the side and >a small hole on the other side. "Um..what's this?". AKIO: Well, if you two ever want to have more rings, just fit the small tube of one into the small hole of the other-- UTENA [yanking AKIO's ponytail]: That was uncalled for! Ecchi! AKIO [wincing and freeing his hair from her grip]: Ow. Couldn't help myself . . . >Touga glanced at the ring. "Oh..we're starting to run out of regular >rings, so we only have availible is these whistle rings. Consider >yourself a lucky one.". TOUGA: Sorry, losers--er, *ladies*. You're just *too* good for the few real rings the End of the World has left . . . >Helen starts to blow AKIO [looks like he's going to comment until UTENA's glare makes him scoot down in his seat]: I'm behaving. I'm behaving . . . UTENA: You'd better. MIKI: There she blows! TOUGA: So does this fic. >in the the tube which causes to make a whistling sound. TOUGA: Who would have expected *that*? Thank you, story, for pointing that out. MIKI [scribbling in notebook]: Unnecessary participle phrase . . . >'Hey! It's like one of those prizes you find in the bottom of the >cereal boxes!". Touga hids two boxes of Oreo O's in back of his back. AKIO: Behold, the power of the student council president! He can make boxes of cereal appear out of nowhere! UTENA: Got Nanami? TOUGA: Look, we're all trying very hard to forget that incident. >"Um...Well...Remeber these are 'special' rings." Helen and Angela >both puts on their 'special' rings and their eyes started twinkle. TOUGA: Yes. "Special" rings for "special" people. I like it. [AKIO groans] UTENA: What's wrong, Akio? AKIO: Instead of "The Clapper", it's "The Ringer". MIKI : Ring on! Ring off! The Ringer! >"Both: Oh it's wonderful to get these rings from the most *hunky* guy >we ever saw.". UTENA: I bet their mothers never told them to not take candy from strangers either. MIKI : And if you hurry and *call now*, you too can get a hunk of Touga Kiryuu for *just* $9.95. Take advantage of our special offer and don't delay! AKIO: Bet all the fangirls--and some fanboys--would clog the line with an offer like that. >Touga smiles. "Glad to hear. Now your first duty is to...". > >Both: "Is to what?" > >Touga: "Is to duel...". > >Both: "Is to duel who?" > >Touga: "Can you please let me finish this sentence?" > >Both: "Opps...sorry." MIKI: No . . . no . . . Switch from prose to script and back again . . . > Touga takes a breath. "Is to duel Utena for the Rose Bride.". he >both of them starts to blink their eyes repeatily. "Helen: But >Utena's our friend!". TOUGA: Anyone that believes that he has friends is a fool. UTENA: You said that once before, Touga. Quit it. MIKI : Will you settle for us smacking her in the head? >Then Angela talks in. MIKI: . . . in *what*? TOUGA: Into the phone? UTENA: Into a hole in the ground? AKIO: In her-- UTENA [threatening a smack]: I don't even want to know what you were about to say. >"And Anthy should be with Utena (not like that!).". AKIO: As if Touga would need a parenthetical like that anyway . . . TOUGA: Hey, *I'm* all right with that, so long as I get to observe or participate-- UTENA [smacking him]: And you were doing *so* well, too. >Touga smirks. "But if one of you wins, you'll will get a date with >me.". AKIO: Touga, you are one brave man. TOUGA: What's so brave about that? Utena's a cinch to win and save me from that fate. AKIO: Ordinarily true, but these *are* SIs that we're talking about. TOUGA [paling slightly]: You have a point. >The both went closer to Touga. UTENA : Come closer, my pretties! TOUGA: . . . so that I can get this knife between your ribs. > Helen shouts. "I'll go fight Utena first! I'll know that I'll win!". >Angela turns her head to Helen. "No you won't!". Then she turns her >head around. MIKI: Shades of Linda Blair . . . AKIO: Barfing up pea soup might actually make this fic more entertaining. >"Touga, you can always depend on me!". AKIO: "Depends." Protection you can count on. UTENA: Akio! >The both started to argue. > >Helen: "No! I'll go first!". > >Angela: "No, I'll go first!". > >Helen: "No, I will!". > >Angela: "No, I will".. . [ALL yawn] TOUGA: No one will be seated during the thrilling "SIs argue with one another" scene. > Touga went between the two stubborn girls. "Now now, let's not >be hasty. MIKI: No, don't say that! *Be* hasty! Speed it up! Let's go! >Angela, sorry but Helen is older than you so she should go first.". >Angela backround starts to filled with stars and glitter. "Oh..okay >Touga *darling*." AKIO: Well, you know what they say: Age before beauty. UTENA: Bet that means *you* get to go first a lot, then, Akio. [AKIO glares at UTENA, who only smiles sweetly back at him] TOUGA: Well, that's a bit of a gyp. MIKI: What is? TOUGA: Angela seeing glittering stars without being smacked. MIKI: Oh . . . >Helen lifts her sleeves up. ^Even though she doesn't have any sleeves >because her uniform has short sleeves. "Alright!". MIKI: But . . . wouldn't that mean that she's lifting up her *arms*? TOUGA: You really should try to stop *thinking* about the fic, Miki. UTENA: Short sleeves are still *sleeves*, you know. > Then she starts to talk to herself. "I'll know that I'll win! Now >Touga darling will be mine and mine alone!". Then Helen starts to >laugh maniacilly outloud. "BWAHAHAHAHA!". AKIO: See SI. See SI laugh. See SI playing Nanami. Beware, Nanami, beware. TOUGA : Big Brother is mine and mine alone! MIKI: You do that rather well. TOUGA: I've *heard* it enough times. >The other two sighs. ALL [in unison]: We know how you feel! >The Battle Begins AKIO : Begin! UTENA, TOUGA, MIKI: Mortal Kombat! [ALL make techno music sounds and strike cheesy martial-arts poses] >Utena, Anthy, and Wakaba was eating lunch in the dining room when all >of the sudden, there was a strange noise. JUNOI : Do you hear what I hear? TOUGA: Do you hear it? If your soul is not dead, you can hear this sound, running about the end of the world . . . AKIO: Cute. Brings back memories . . . UTENA: Shut up, Touga. >Helen was a particular type of clothing. [ALL stare at the screen for a moment] TOUGA: Think she's a muu-muu? UTENA: No. More like a yo-yo. >She wore a referee t-shirt, a bib around her neck, a pair of lobster >oven mittens attached to her hands, puffy pants like the one Utena >wore, and a squirrel over her head. AKIO : Oh tie a gray squirrel to my head/It's been three long years/My fashion sense is dead . . . >She was sitting on a desk with a hundred lobsters attached to the >desk and running quickly as possible. The two lobsters in front of >the hundred lobsters appeared to be Butter and Lime. TOUGA: Look! It's the lobsters of the Black Rose! UTENA: Well, Nemuro Memorial Hall *did* burn down--and the fic Touga *was* thinking of fried lobsters before . . . AKIO: I guess then that Butter is Mamiya and Lime's Mikage. MIKAGE'S VOICE: Very funny, Ohtori. Ha ha ha. I'm going to remember that. >The lobsters stops in front of the 3 frightening girls. UTENA : Stop!--in the name of lobster . . . AKIO: The *girls* were frightening? What, were they wearing masks from a certain over-hyped and below-standard teen horror flick? TOUGA: Whazzup!! AKIO: Don't even start. >Helen hops out of the desks and took out a tee-pee ^those thing that >holds the golf ball^ in front of Utena. MIKI: No. Wrong. Those things that hold golf balls are "tees", *not* "tee-pees." TOUGA: Maybe Ohtori's located in the Land of the Giants in this fic. AKIO: Do I look like the Jolly Green Giant to you? UTENA: You wear about as much as that, usually. >She says to Utena. "I'll be waiting at the dueling arena after >school. I'll be waiting.". AKIO : And in case you weren't listening, I'll be waiting in the dueling arena after school. Did I mention I'd be waiting? Don't forget, it's in the dueling arena-- UTENA: Okay, that's enough of *that*. TOUGA : I've been waiting . . . for a girl like you . . . to come into my life . . . [he tries putting his arm around UTENA, but she hunkers down in her chair to get away from him] >Then she gave the tee-pee to Utena MIKI: Of course, the wooden poles and the painted buffalo hide was too much for our intrepid heroine to withstand and she sank to the ground under the weight. >who was still shocked by the entrance from Helen. AKIO: After an entrance like *that*? I'm just surprised she's not checking herself into the Betty Ford Clinic. >Helen hops on her so called sled and mushed the lobsters and went >away. UTENA : Bravely ran away away . . . TOUGA: The medicine must go through! Mush! Mush! MIKI: Actually, lobster pate sounds rather delicious. ANTHY'S VOICE: I was just wondering what to make for lunch! Thank you, Miki! [MIKI blushes] >Utena looks at the tee-pee. AKIO : Does she think my name's Sioux? >"Okay....why would she wants to fight me? Was she manipulated and >turned to a black rose duelist?". "Naw...we wouldn't be manipulated >that easy.". TOUGA : Deeper . . . Go deeper . . . UTENA: Sorry, but you just can't dive very deep when you're swimming in water *that* shallow. MIKI: Besides, I seriously *doubt* Mikage would have thought them worthy of a consultation. MIKAGE'S VOICE: Flattery won't get you anywhere, Kaoru. Even if your statement's true. AKIO: Mikage, do you have any idea how perverted you sounded-- [AKIO suddenly yelps and jumps in his seat, hair frizzing out as a large number of volts are shot into his backside] MIKAGE'S VOICE: That should teach you not to take my words out of context, Ohtori. >Utena turns her head around and Angela was sitting at the table. >'Huh? What's THAT in your finger? UTENA : Phalanges. It says so right here in my Anatomy textbook. MIKI : What's it gots in its pocketses, hmm, my precious? TOUGA: You know, Utena, maybe a neck-brace would help with that head rotation thing. [AKIO is sulking and trying to smooth his hair down] >That looks like the ring Helen was wearing!". >Angela looks at the >ring. "Oh this? Touga gave us these because we are new members of the >Student Council!". Utena was in a shock. TOUGA : They've really dropped their standards. They're letting just *anyone* into the Student Council . . . >"So that's why she want's to battle me. But why would she need >Anthy?". AKIO: Oh, *I* can think of a few things she'd need Anthy for. UTENA: Thank you for *not* sharing. >Angela whispers at Utena's ear. "Ohhh...no wonder!". Utena then >stands up. 'Well...I'll just have to beat her then!". MIKI: Good. Yes. Hit her *hard*. TOUGA: Does this mean that you're going to be *my* prince too, Utena? UTENA: . . . AKIO: No, Touga, *I'm*-- UTENA: Do *not* go there. MIKI: Hey . . . the doors are unlocked! MAMIYA'S VOICE: Your lunch is ready. I thought you'd want to eat it before it gets cold. UTENA: That's very thoughtful of you, Mamiya! Are you sure Mikage won't punish you, though? MAMIYA'S VOICE: He's gone to get lunch too. TOUGA: Well, in *that* case . . . [they all leave the theatre] [Bridge. ANTHY has draped a tablecloth over the center console and five plates are set out on it. Amazingly, shaved ice is nowhere to be seen; instead, each plate contains a grilled-cheese sandwich and a helping of home fries. The duelists all take seats and dig in] UTENA: Wow! This is really good, Anthy! TOUGA: Where did you get all of this? ANTHY: The kitchen's really well-stocked. TOUGA: And . . . what happened to Nanami's shuttle? [He's looking at the screens. No ships are visible now] ANTHY: Oh, that big spaceship pulled it in with a tractor beam and went into orbit around Earth. I think it's behind the planet right now. MIKI: Um, Miss Anthy? What's that? [MIKI is pointing at a small plate in the middle of the makeshift table. The plate holds crackers spread with a red-tinted substance] ANTHY: Oh, that's the lobster pate! I put a little food coloring in to make it red. Would you like some? UTENA: Here, I'll have one. [she plucks a cracker off the plate that ANTHY holds out for her and pops it into her mouth] AKIO: How is it? UTENA [chewing]: Mm, it's not bad . . . [A small, wholly unexpected explosion occurs. Smoke fills the Bridge and the duelists are knocked off their chairs--all except for UTENA] ANTHY: Oh, dear, I dropped the plate . . . TOUGA [coughing]: Utena! Are you all right? [The others get up. UTENA is still sitting bolt upright in her seat, her expression faintly dazed and her face dusted with soot] UTENA: Huh? TOUGA: I said, are you all right? [he pulls out a hankie and carefully wipes the soot off her face] UTENA: Oh . . . [The dazed expression fades away, and she instead wears a beatific sort of smile. She looks much like one would expect somebody to look after smoking a lot of dope, actually] UTENA: I'm cool . . . that was *good* . . . can I have some more? AKIO: Anthy dropped the plate. Are you sure you're all right? UTENA: Yeah, man . . . [The Viewscreen abruptly comes on] [Observatory. MIKAGE is holding two paper bags with familiar golden arches on them and balancing a lidded cup in each hand as well] MIKAGE: What are you doing out of that theatre?! MAMIYA: I told them they could have lunch, Mikage-sama sir! Did you get me a Happy-- MIKAGE: Yes, yes, it's in the bag in my left hand. You! Guinea pigs! Get back in that theatre or I'll see to it that you eat nothing but Spam for the next two weeks! Mamiya, hit that button! [SoR. Lights, klaxons, and so on] TOUGA: I think he means that threat. Let's go! [They start to run to the theatre, but MIKI has to turn around and come back for UTENA, who hasn't moved and is still smiling vacantly at thin air] [Theatre. The duelists take their seats again] MIKI: Are you *sure* you're okay, Utena-kun? UTENA: Huh? Me? I'm great . . . I'm okay . . . [she gives a weird, spacey-sounding giggle] >Two shadows pops out on the decorated wall. TOUGA: Pop goes the weasel! AKIO: Pop goes-- UTENA [giggling a bit]: *I* know what you're going to say! AKIO: . . . never mind. >A-ko: "Did you know? Did you know? Have you heard the news?" MIKI: No. Fill us in, will you? >A-ko: "The lobster girl is fighting with the champion of duels!" > >B-ko: 'But beware! She have many a trick in her sleeves!" TOUGA: Is that anything like an ace in the hole? MIKI: More like a dead man's hand, I would think. >A-ko/B-ko: "Did you know? Did you know? It may be riskier than you >think!" UTENA : That's why you should always wear protection, even in those most intimate of moments. [AKIO and TOUGA stare at her] AKIO: Um . . . UTENA: What? [spacey giggle] > Utena went to the entrance to the forest and then opens the gate >and the music plays. [the Satellite quakes a bit at the minor Fourth Wall breach] AKIO: It's not one of those jewelry boxes where you open it up and a little tune plays, you know. TOUGA: Great. The last thing *I'd* want to hear getting ready to duel is a Muzak version of "Zettai Unmei Mokushiroku". >Then she went up the long, long, long, almost impossible climb, long >stairs. TOUGA [gasping and wheezing stagily]: Water! Water . . . MIKI: I always figured you were something of a sadist, Rijichou. AKIO: Why's that? MIKI: You didn't tell us about the elevator until after the Black Rose duels. AKIO: Do you know how nice the view was from behind Juri and Utena when they were climbing? UTENA: Oooh . . . you were watching, Akio-chan? Hmm . . . wish I'd known . . . [AKIO stares at her] >As Utena reach to the dueling platform, Anthy, Angela, and Helen was >also waiting on the top. MIKI : On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese . . . TOUGA: Well, the fic's certainly been cheesy. >Helen was wearing her 'special' duelist uniform. AKIO: Okay, what the hell is it with this "special" crap? We already guessed that they're retarded, but-- MIKAGE'S VOICE: Careful, Ohtori. Be very careful. AKIO: Screw being careful! Why don't they just load the SIs onto the damn short bus and have done with it?! >She wore a long-sleeve shirt with a wool vest over it, long, blue, >puffy pants, a flay, puffy hat, MIKI : Flay! Be free! >and her golf club on her right hand. AKIO : Hey, Utena? What's your handicap? UTENA: Repressed sexual tensions. [wicked giggle] AKIO: . . . I want the recipe for that lobster pate . . . >Anthy puts a red-brick colored rose in Helen pocket and a white rose >in Utena's pocket. Then Anthy starts to chants the verse. MIKI: "He thrusts his fists against the posts and still insists he sees the ghosts." TOUGA: What? MIKI: It's from an old horror flick. A mnemonic one of the characters used to avoid being mentally controlled by a disembodied brain. AKIO: Sounds like something Mikage would come up with. MIKAGE'S VOICE: I *heard* that, Ohtori. >Oh rose of the noble castle, >Power of Dios that sleeps within me. >Heed your master and come forth! UTENA: They must be watching the dub series. [the Satellite trembles] MIKAGE'S VOICE: Miss *Tenjou*! UTENA: You need to relax, Mikage . . . >Then Utena holds onto Anthy's waist and pulls out the sword of Dios TOUGA: Yes, Anthy and her amazing Cleavage of Holding(TM)! MIKI: Seitokaichou! UTENA [spacey giggle]: That was kinda funny. AKIO: She's starting to frighten me. >and shouts. > >Grant me the power to bring the world's Revolution! UTENA: Gotta love that stock footage. [of course, the Satellite quivers] MIKAGE'S VOICE: Will you be *quiet*? >Helen looks at her golf club. "I don't think this club will do.". >Then a light bulb pops out of her head. AKIO: G.E.! We bring good things to life! TOUGA: It's a wonder she had even *that* in her head. MIKI: She then used the light bulb to bludgeon her opponent. UTENA: And then I spanked her like a bad puppy with the Sword of Dios! [the others stare at her with increasing concern] >"Helen: Oh Angela-chan?". MIKI: Oh, Sylvia! UTENA: Yes, Mickey? [spacey giggle] MIKI: How do you call your loverboy? UTENA: C'mere loverboy! [she glomps TOUGA, who doesn't appear to mind at all. AKIO doesn't look happy, though] TOUGA : See that crenellated wall over there? Could you go stand on it and see just how high up we actually are? AKIO: Angela did as asked. Helen, as wacky as ever, smacked her over the head with the golf club, sending the equally wacky Angela plunging to her death far below. The End. TOUGA: I don't think we're going to get that lucky. AKIO: Too bad. Now let go of Utena. TOUGA: *She* grabbed hold of *me*. [running his hand through her hair. UTENA sighs happily and does that creepy giggle again] AKIO: Grrr . . . >Angela turns her head. "No way!". Helen walks toward Angela and her >eyes turns big and started to act childishly. MIKI: Her *eyes* started to act childishly? Aaaigh! >"Oh pretty pwlease? I'll gwive you mai pwrize collectzion of >stamps.". UTENA : Chibi-Chibi's towel! Gimme! Gimme! >Angela sighs. "Okay. You win. But I still get to keep the stamps >forever!". AKIO: *I've* got a stamp in mind for this fic. MIKI: What's that? AKIO: "Cancelled". >Both of them shakes hand. "Helen: It's a pleasure doing business with >you!". "Angela: Whatever.". TOUGA : Just have your people call my people. We'll do lunch sometime. >Angela chants a verse. AKIO: On a midnight, dark and dreary/As I pondered, weak and weary/O'er many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore . . . UTENA: Like this fic? TOUGA: I *wish* this fic would be forgotten. >Oh clubs of the skillful golfers, >Power of Dios that's trapped inside the sandpit. MIKI: But isn't he trapped in the castle . . . ? UTENA: You're thinking about the fic again. TOUGA: I just got this nasty image of little Anthy shoving her brother back to lie in a pit of quicksand instead of on a pile of hay. AKIO: *Thank* you. That will be all, Kiryuu. >Fore your master and run to the hole! MIKI: Poor Dios. He's probably rolling over in his grave. AKIO: Actually, he's sitting on the side of it. TOUGA: Fire in the hole! [UTENA giggles lewdly] >Then Helen holds onto Angela's waist and pulls out the golf club of >Dios [long silence] TOUGA: Nine-iron or putter? AKIO: Golf is for rich assholes who have nothing better to do. Dios had *far* better things to do than play *golf*. Things like, oh, saving the girls of the world . . . >and shouts. > >Grant me the power to bring the world's teepee! UTENA [lewd giggle]: Look, she's pitching a tent! TOUGA: Er, Utena . . . AKIO : There's a Dead Moon on the rise . . . MIKI: It's a "tee", not a "teepee". > The both of them were pointing their weapon at each other. Helen >charged AKIO: --up a fortune on her dad's Mastercard. >at Utena, but Utena dodges. Then they exchanged blows AKIO : Pow! UTENA : Biff! TOUGA : Bam! MIKI: How did you *do* that? UTENA: Lots and lots of old "Batman" episodes. >to each other for 15 minutes, but still their roses hasn't been >chopped off. [ALL laugh] UTENA: *Riiiight*. I can defeat *Touga* in less than five minutes, but I can't drop the SI in fifteen? AKIO: I really doubt this one's on a par with *me*. >Helen was breathing heavily. "Damn...This is even harder than I >thought.". AKIO: From the way she's breathing, I'd think it was as hard as she expected . . . UTENA: Akio! [giggle] That was funny . . . [the others stare at her again] >Utena also gasp heavily. "Not too shabby. You're the first one who >ever make it this far.". TOUGA: Then Utena quit playing around and beat Helen into a bloody stain on the floor of the arena. The end. >Helen suddenly ran and jumps in the air. MIKI: . . . Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound! Up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's SI Woman! >"Now it's time to end this!". She took out about a hundred golf balls >in the air. AKIO : He's got big balls, she's got big balls/But we've got the biggest balls of them all! MIKI: You just *had* to sing that one, didn't you, Rijichou? >"Helen's super ultimate technique! Hundred Swings Charging Golf >Balls!". TOUGA: Is it just me, or does that sound like a badly dubbed Sailor Senshi attack? MIKI: Or a silly Ranma attack. Or something from "Rival Schools." AKIO: I don't think there's a "Sailor Golfer." I mean, the Animamates didn't try taking the Star Seed of Tiger Woods, even . . . >Then she swung the golf balls, charging at Utena. UTENA : Swing your partner by the balls . . . [AKIO, TOUGA, and MIKI all cringe, hands instinctively covering their crotches. UTENA just giggles sadistically at their reactions] >But Utena uses hersword the hit back the golf balls. TOUGA: Here's the wind up and the pitch! It's a line drive to center field! >Then while Helen was hitting the golf balls, Utena jumps inthe air >and sliced the rose off of Helen without her noticing. Helen lands on >the floor."But...How?". MIKI: But . . . if she didn't *notice* . . . AKIO: Remember, Miki, try to not think about it. UTENA: I'm the heroine of the series, that's how. [the Satellite rolls nauseatingly to the left until it's almost lying on its side, then slowly rolls upright again. The duelists hang on for dear life] MIKAGE'S VOICE : *Tenjou*! That's enough! >Utena offers her hand to Helen. TOUGA : Here, you take it. I'm done with it. >"Come on....if you keep practicing, you'll have a chance!". A tear >drops from Helen eye. ALL : Awwww. >"Shif snif.....Utena...you're so...you're so nice!". Then she hugs >Utena. "Utena: Ahhh...can you stop that?". UTENA: --before I cut your freaking arms off and beat you to death with them? AKIO: You've got a very mean streak, don't you. UTENA: You're one to talk. >Contest Bannanza [ALL start humming the theme to "Bonanza"] > At school was almost over, Akio calls the all the students in >front of the school. AKIO: It's come to my attention that language classes are being skipped by a large number of you. Since the Dean's wife isn't happy, and that makes me not happy, everyone will be confined to their dorms in their off-class times until you all learn proper spelling and grammar. TOUGA: Think that's drastic enough? AKIO: I'll get back to you. >Helen was standing next to Angela, playing goldfish with Miki and >Juri while they were waiting. [ALL blink] UTENA: Does that mean they're playing "koi"? TOUGA: I was under the assumption the Student Council played poker. AKIO: Given the compliancy of the Bride, I wouldn't be surprised if they all *did*. MIKI: Rijichou! UTENA: Well, we all know *Akio* did. TOUGA: He's not in the Student Council. MIKI: I'm sure the fic meant "Go Fish" . . . >Akio clears his voice and spoke in the microphone. "*ahem*.... >Students! TOUGA: Any moment now, Nanami will cut in on the PA, yelling at Mitsuru. AKIO : A runaway kangaroo! A kangaroo is on the loose! >This week we will holding a contest. The main point in this contest >is to make a play with AKIO: --me. Male, female, it doesn't matter as long as you're *talented* and good-looking. Just come up and see me sometime in the Observatory. UTENA: That was crude. AKIO [smiling]: Thank you! UTENA [sly grin]: Would I win the contest? [AKIO and TOUGA stare at her. They're obviously having a lot of difficulty adjusting to the situation] >your own stories. You cannot do a play that's been 'played' or >'shown'. You have to be creative. TOUGA: Damn. There goes my plans for a stage version of "Titanic." UTENA : Do we *have* to? MIKI : I don't wanna! >The limit per group is 9 people...". AKIO: Of course, the Beatles song "Revolution Number Nine" comes to mind . . . UTENA: I think we did that one before. AKIO: I know. MIKI: N-i-n-e. Three more keystrokes won't kill anyone. >Angela mumbles. "Who wants to do that? It's just a waste of time.". TOUGA: You're absolutely right. Please wander off and get run over by a truck instead. UTENA: You're really bitter about the SIs slobbering on you. TOUGA: *No, really*? >Akio throws a wad of paper at Angela's head MIKI: Oh, look, Angela just made another friend! AKIO: Well, that was certainly dignified behavior on my part. Too bad I didn't have anything more damaging to throw. > >_< MIKI: *More* emoticons? Gah . . . >then he spoke again. "The winner to this contest will each recieve a >Mustange convertable (similar to Akio's) and get to choose their own >color as well!". MIKI: Why is Akio talking in third person? AKIO : Akio isn't sure. TOUGA: Much as I like the classic Mustangs and the newer models, I somehow doubt that the Akio car is one. UTENA: Well, it makes a sort of sense. Prince on a white horse; devil in a red Mustang . . . >The whole students shouts "A MUSTANGE CONVERTABLE!?!" and "DO WE GET >LEATHER SEATS?!". [The resulting shockwave of the theater's sound system causes the duelists' uniforms and hair to ripple furiously in the stiff breeze. ALL cover their ears from the excessive noise and close their eyes against the blast. Then the sound level drops to normal] AKIO: You know, I'd make some sort of comment about leather, bondage, and whips, but I think I just went deaf. > Helen and Angela's jaws dropped. UTENA: Some Krazy Glue might fix that problem. At the very least, it'd keep them quiet. >"Helen: Did...did he said a whole car?". TOUGA : No, he said *half* a car. AKIO: You want the Akio Car? You can't *handle* the Akio Car. >Angela turns her head to her. UTENA: *Again* with the Exorcist scenes . . . >"Yeah...I guess so...". Helen jumps in the air shouting "YABBA DABBA >DO!" while in mid-air. TOUGA: Since when did Ohtori Academy become Bedrock? AKIO: Helen was immediately mobbed and viciously sued by angry corporate lawyers. >"Helen: Let's participate! I wanna get a free car!". Miki smiles at >Helen. UTENA : The SIs are so cute when they're being slow. >"Then how about us in a group?". AKIO: Even *I* wouldn't participate in *that* orgy. UTENA: Me neither. SIs are tacky. TOUGA: Utena, I don't think you've ever *been* in an orgy. UTENA: Want to fix that? [TOUGA suffers a nosebleed. AKIO suddenly looks interested, but UTENA is ignoring him in favor of leering at TOUGA] >Angela nods her head. "Yeah! How about you Juri?". MIKI : I have better things to do with my time. Next! >Juri turns her head as well. AKIO : There is no Juri, only Zool. >"Hmmm...a contest sounds kinda fun. Yes. I too shall join.". TOUGA [hankie to his nose to stop the bleeding]: This too shall pass. AKIO: At least you're not talking about drug smuggling. UTENA: Eeew, gross, Akio . . . >Helen shouts. "That's Grreeat! UTENA : They're grrrrreat! AKIO: Personally, I think prison stripes would look the best on the SIs, not tiger stripes. >We have 4 so far." MIKI: "F-o-u-r". Again, it's only three keystrokes more. >Utena, Anthy, Wakaba, and Chuchu walked directly to them. AKIO: Behold, I saw a pale rider upon a pale horse. TOUGA: Well, they keep saying that it's the "absolute destiny", after all . . . >"Utena: Hey you guys! I heard about the contest. Wanna team up?". UTENA: *How* many students at Ohtori, and I want to team up with these losers? AKIO : Once again, Utena becomes the victim of the all- encompassing power of the SIs to arrange circumstances the way they see fit. >Angela then shouts. "Yay! Now we have 7!". Touga and Saionji came as >well. [AKIO just snickers, not stating the obvious] MIKI: What is this? A phobia of typing out a number? >"Touga: You all heard about the contest right? UTENA : No, we were busy being witty and hyperactive. Missed the whole thing. >Do you want to group up?". TOUGA: I wouldn't touch *that* grouping if I really *were* in line to get a new car. AKIO: Not that you need one, with *your* financial situation. >Then Helen and Angela both shouts. "Yay! That's Grreeat! Now we have >10 people! Uh....wait. 10 people?" [ALL stare, blinking] MIKI: That *can't* be right. How did going from seven, then adding Touga and Saionji, make it ten? UTENA [carefully looking over the screen]: I think they're counting Chu Chu. MIKI: Then it should have been *eight*, not *seven* before Touga and Saionji walked up! AKIO: I have a hard time believing that Chu Chu counts as "people". >Angela counts everyone including herself. "Wow...there's really ten >people. I'm afraid that one of us has to go out. MIKI : Like I said before, I have better things to do. Bye. AKIO : Take one down, pass it around, nine more bottles of beer on the wall . . . TOUGA: All right. Utena, how about dinner Sunday night? Without the Bride, of course. UTENA [giggling coyly]: I'll think about it. [TOUGA grins broadly. AKIO glares] >Everybody turns their head toward Saionji. Helen pats Saionji on the >shoulders. UTENA: *Everyone*? I seriously doubt that Wakaba would immediately think of dropping Saionji from the group. AKIO: I think Saionji would be more help than the comic relief that can only contribute "Chu. Chu," to the dialogue of a play. TOUGA : Great. Now I have SI cooties. >"Well...we're sorry, but we haveta leave you behind. But no hard >feelings though!". UTENA: Other hard things, however, are another story. AKIO: I think I like you this way, Utena. TOUGA: You would. >Saionji *snifs* and kicks a little pebble. "Hmp! I don't care about >about you guys! I can do this by myself! Don't go crying over me!". >Then Saionji left the blacktop. UTENA : Screw you guys, I'm goin' home! TOUGA: That's it, folks. Saionji has left the building. MIKI: I wonder if Saionji's going to go eat worms now. AKIO: If it was me, I would be thrilled at escaping the fic. >Miki puts both arms behind his head. UTENA : Strike a pose . . . MIKI: Um . . . >"Gee...I think we hurt his feelings." TOUGA: No, *really*? >Helen walks to Miki and puts both of her hands on Miki's shoulders. >"We can't think about this now! UTENA : You have to think about Angela and me. We're the stars of this fic, not you guys, and we must win an Akio Car. You are under our control. You will not escape. MIKI : Yes, mistress . . . AKIO: You do that so well, Miki. Anthy must be training you. [MIKI turns bright red and glares at AKIO] >Come on! We have to make up a play so we can win those cars!". TOUGA : I know! Let's do a play about a handsome prince and his witch of a sister, and the evil sister locks the prince away from the world . . . AKIO: *Not* funny. UTENA: Well, that would be about as original as this piece of drivel. MIKI: Wasn't Akio only giving away one *whole* Mustang, or did I miss something? AKIO: I'd have a fit if the budget was that badly trashed. >Everyone takes out their dueling swords ^Chuchu with a toothpick^ TOUGA: Yes, that's believable. The Student Council members walk all over Ohtori *with* their swords on their persons. And Wakaba just turned around and grabbed Saionji's sword right out of his chest with nobody noticing. MIKI: Carets? But that's a parenthetical . . . AKIO: Yes, but carets surrounding Chu Chu seems appropriate. He can munch on them afterwards. MIKI : Ha ha ha. >and all points in the air shouting "FOR CARS!". UTENA: All for one, and one for cars! > At the haunted mansion, everyone was in Utena and Anthy's room >making scripts for the play. It took hours and days and suffering of >eating shaved iced and the pesonality-switch-curry ^which everyone >refused^. [ALL yawn and look downright bored] MIKI: They're all in the East Dorm? Why not the Kiryuu residence? TOUGA: I don't want the SIs in my house. UTENA: Pease-porridge hot, pease-porridge witch, magic curry in the pot, nine personalities switched . . . AKIO: If no one *ate* the stuff, how could they be "suffering of eating" it? >They stayed their for 2 days and everyone eyes have deep sockets in >them ^including our beloved Touga^. ALL : Awww. We feel so sorry for you. TOUGA: I don't even care about that pitiful pale imitation of myself any more. UTENA: I bet the last fic taught you that. >Finally, Miki shouted. "We're...we're....we're finished!!". >Everyone was hugging each other for the joy of the scripts. AKIO: But nobody would touch the SIs. They didn't want cooties too. > When it was the day of the contest, they did a lottery for who >goes first. UTENA: Actually, they decided to play Russian roulette instead. AKIO: Unbeknownst to the SIs, the real characters loaded all six chambers . . . TOUGA: No, Helen, you go first! Really! >Then they started the contest. MIKI: And there was much rejoicing. ALL : Yay. >Many students did plays what looks like the scene from Romeo and >Juliet, Hamlet, and other movies they seen. UTENA: Because all those plays and movies just had ONE scene, of course. TOUGA: So much for the rule against using existing works. MIKI: Seems as if Ohtori's plagued with a lack of creativity. AKIO: Considering what it represents, is that a surprise? MIKI: . . . no, not really. >Then it was time for their turn. [There's a long pause as the screen goes dark; then the theater lights come on. The duelists all blink, then look at one another] MIKI: We're . . . we're . . . we're finished? UTENA: Don't *do* that, Miki. You sound like the fic. MIKI [jumping out of his seat, looking utterly relieved]: Sorry. Let's get out of here! [Duelist's door sequence . . . in reverse!] [1. You hand the Sword of Dios back to the Rose Bride and tell her you had a wonderful time.] [2. You suddenly remember your opponent. Thinking quickly, you point past him and shout "Look! It's Dios!" When he turns to look, you yank the rose off his chest.] [3. The acrophobia doesn't bother you this time, because you're busy reeling around deafened by the bells tolling your victory.] [4. Stopping at the basket, you snip your hasty stitches and return the decorations before getting back into the elevator to descend.] [5. The elevator stops--nearer the bottom this time--and you stroll down the remaining stairs.] [6. You try to reclose the gate properly, but the rippling water in the reservoir suddenly reminds you of all the soda you had before the fic, and you make a hasty exit to run for the lavatory.] [Bridge. The smoke has thinned out, and the remnants of lunch have been cleaned up. ANTHY is sitting at the console, playing cards with CHU CHU. As the duelists emerge from the theatre, it becomes obvious that UTENA either didn't want to leave, or was just feeling too mellow to move. TOUGA is carrying her] MIKI: I'm glad *that's* over. What a mess. AKIO: Kiryuu, I'm sure you can put her down now. ANTHY: Oh, my! What happened to Miss Utena? TOUGA: I think she's in shock. Or something. Where's that spaceship that's got my sister's shuttle *now*? ANTHY: It's still in orbit, I think. Don't worry, I'm sure that she's just fine! UTENA [smiling vaguely]: No, I'm cool . . . I'm cool . . . MIKI: Maybe she needs to, uh, sleep it off? ANTHY: I know what should help! [she bustles off into the kitchen of the SoR an returns with a cup of--ta da!--shaved ice, which she puts in front of UTENA as TOUGA sets her down on the chair ANTHY had occupied] Here you go, Miss Utena! UTENA: Wow . . . thanks, Anthy . . . [she takes a large spoonful of shaved ice and maneuvers it into her mouth carelessly. After a few seconds of sitting there with the spoon stuck between her lips, her eyes widen and she lets out a high-pitched scream. The spoon goes flying as UTENA clutches her head in agony] AKIO: *Anthy*! What did you *do* to her?! ANTHY: Oh, nothing, oniisama! I just figured that if she was that much out of it, she wouldn't eat the ice carefully . . . MIKI: . . . and the brain freeze would restore her to normal! That's brilliant, Miss Anthy! TOUGA: Utena, are you all right? UTENA: Ow . . . ow . . . *ow* . . . AKIO [leaning down to look at her]: Say, Utena, if you need to lie down, you can come right into my room and-- [UTENA smacks him] TOUGA: I think she's all right. AKIO [clutching the side of his face]: I think she loosened my teeth! [the light on the console starts flashing] UTENA : I'll get it. [she smacks the button in much the same way she just hit AKIO] [Observatory. MIKAGE is holding half a cheeseburger in one hand and trying to leer into the Viewscreen, but the effect is cheapened by the smudge of ketchup on his chin] MIKAGE: Well, now, my little test dummies. Are you ready to give your reviews? [SoR] MIKI: The grammar, spelling, and punctuation were a complete mess most of the time. I think this is probably the worst on those counts of all the fics we've seen so far. AKIO: I think the authors misunderstood the point of surrealism in the actual series. Or else they actually thought they were being funny. I'm almost frightened by the latter notion. TOUGA: The "wackiness" completely overwhelmed anything that might have resembled a plot, to the point where it was mind-numbingly stupid. UTENA: I . . . uh . . . don't remember most of it, so . . . [Observatory] MIKAGE: I noticed, Tenjou. I suggest having someone else do the cooking up there. *I*, of course, shall go on enjoying my nice, safe meals down here. MAMIYA'S VOICE: Oops . . . MIKAGE: "Oops"? MAMIYA'S VOICE: I was trying to heat up my french fries. There's flames coming out of the microwave, Mikage-sama sir . . . MIKAGE: Dammit! [he drops his cheeseburger on the Button] *PWOOSH*! [As the Observatory fades out, another scene fades in. The viewpoint is from behind and slightly above a high-backed chair. A man dressed in an exceedingly neat and starched military uniform stands rigidly beside the chair. NANAMI is standing in front of the chair, facing the viewer, with an expression of outraged disbelief on her face] NANAMI: What do you *mean*, "everything's okay"?! I told you, I have to save my brother from a crazy professor who doesn't really exist and has put my poor brother on a satellite and is making him read bad fanfics! Are you listening to me?! Don't give me another of those "just relax, be cool" speeches again, either, Captain--what was your name again? Taylor? And furthermore . . . [The scene fades out] MIKAGE'S VOICE: I need to get that fixed. Disclaimers and Legalese (in case you missed them the first time around) Original story written by: Helen and Angela Nguyen MSTing written by: Chris Rain Mystery Science Theater 3000 is owned by Best Brains, Inc. All "Revolutionary Girl Utena"/"Shoujo Kakumei Utena" characters are the property of B-Papas, Chiho Saito, TV Tokyo, Shonenn Iinkai, Software Sculptors, Central Park Media Corporation, and any other companies or individuals holding legal claim to them. I have used them here without permission, but hopefully I will not be viciously sued, as I will not be able to buy any more cool merchandise if I'm broke. ^_^ Comments may be sent to: rainclash@yahoo.com You can send negative comments, too, but I prefer more civilized discourse as befits mature adults in this society. Nyaaaaah!! If you care to see Helen and Angela in their natural habitat, the original website for this fic can be found at: http://www.geocities.com/kittyshampoo85/Wacky_Adventures_with_Utena.html Visit Blood Soaked and Honor Bound (the site that Helen and Angela claim they didn't rip off . . . you be the judge)! http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Springs/1691/index.html Visit the Utena Encyclopedia! Translated scripts, song lyrics, images, episode synopses, character profiles, links, and more! http://www.duellists.tj Visit Themes of the Revolution! Archive of mp3 sound files from the Utena original soundtracks! http://www.duellists.tj/~anshi/ >Oh clubs of the skillful golfers, >Power of Dios that's trapped inside the sandpit. >Fore your master and run to the hole!