REVOLUTIONARY SCIENCE THEATRE 3000 Episode 102: "Touga Meets His Match" Written by: An-chan MSTed by: Chris Rain (rainclash@yahoo.com) This is a MSTing of a story written by An-chan. No insult, injury, infringement, or painful debilitating illness is intended by this MSTing. I do this because (a) it's fun and (b) I have lots of time and imagination on my hands. MST3K is owned by Best Brains, Inc. All "Revolutionary Girl Utena"/"Shoujo Kakumei Utena" characters are the property of B-Papas, Chiho Saito, TV Tokyo, Shonenn Iinkai, Software Sculptors, Central Park Media Corporation, and possibly a partridge in a pear tree, though the latter is dicey to prove under law. ^_^ Reading this MST can be greatly helped by having at least a passing familiarity with the series; if you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it. (Shameless plug requirements met. Onward!) [Satellite of Revolution bridge. It's dim and quiet for a moment, before a bulkhead door slides open with a "Star Trek" sort of "whoosh" noise. TOUGA KIRYUU and MIKI KAORU walk out onto the bridge] TOUGA [fumbling for the light switch]: I hope that Utena's managing to find decent food in the kitchen. Anthy's efforts are nice, I suppose, but we definitely need variety. MIKI: I like Miss Anthy's cooking . . . TOUGA: I wouldn't call serving shaved ice for breakfast, lunch, and dinner *cooking*, Miki. AKIO [walking out onto the bridge]: I'm with you on that, Kiryuu--if I have to *look* at another bowl of shaved ice, I'll go screaming mad. TOUGA [stepping over to the console]: I know just what you mean. Hmm, what's this? AKIO: What's what? TOUGA [pointing at a blinking light on the console]: Guess we're getting a call. [he pushes the button] [The Observatory. MIKAGE is grinning in a disturbing way into the viewscreen. MAMIYA is visible behind him, wearing a candy-striped apron covering his uniform and a flower-print kerchief tied over his head. He's also wielding a feather duster] MIKAGE: Well, well, if it isn't the esteemed President of the Student Council. Having a nice day? [SoR] TOUGA: It was nicer before you called. AKIO: Was there something in particular you wanted, Souji? [Observatory. MIKAGE is scowling slightly and holding up a couple of envelopes] MIKAGE: Apparently you've attracted some attention, because-- MAMIYA [in a terrifyingly familiar chipper voice]: You've got mail! [pause] MIKAGE: What the hell was that supposed to be, Mamiya? MAMIYA: Er--nothing, Mikage-sama sir, never mind . . . MIKAGE: That's what I thought. [he shoves the envelopes into the umbilical chute] [SoR. The pair of envelopes pop out and skid across the floor; TOUGA picks them up and opens them] TOUGA: It's . . . fanmail. We've got fanmail?! AKIO [smirking and smoothing back his hair]: Of course we do. With *me* around, how could we *not* have fans? TOUGA: Actually, I'm certain that it is *I* who will prove the more attractive to the devotees. AKIO: Hah! [as the two contenders for the title of Sexiest Guy On Campus (Or On The Satellite) square off for a match of glaring and artistic sneering, MIKI snags the envelopes] MIKI: I'll just open these, thanks. [UTENA pokes her head into the bridge; she's wearing a smudged apron and her hair is in cheerful disarray] UTENA: What've you got there, Miki-kun? MIKI: Fanmail. Want to see? UTENA: Sure! [she walks onto the bridge, untying her apron] ANTHY [peeking in from the doorway]: Fanmail? Oh, how nice! MIKI: The first one's from Gretchen Kelly: >*pauses to catch breath, she's laughing so hard* >May I say this was the most hilarious MSTing I've seen in months? I >haven't laughed like this (and nearly got thrown out of the lab) >since reading the Sailor Moon: Fantasy! MSTings. Please, *please*, >keep it up, and I hope to see the next chapter soon! ANTHY: Oh, that was very nice! UTENA: Wow. Thanks, Gretchen! Of course, *we're* not looking forward to the next chapter of that awful fic, but we can take your words in the spirit they're intended. [grins] MIKI: The next one's from Laura Moore: >Chris, UTENA: Who? MIKAGE'S VOICE: Just smile and nod. [mutters] Mamiya, go check the seals and make sure that we get warning on really serious breaches. MAMIYA'S VOICE: Okay, Mikage-sama sir! >I read your MST of Callie Summers' "High Altitudes". I am very >impressed. Have you written anymore? MIKI: I have the odd feeling that . . . you're reading it. MIKAGE'S VOICE: Ignore that feeling, will you? >I am a fan of Utena UTENA [grinning triumphantly at AKIO and TOUGA, who both look a bit crestfallen]: Looks like *I'm* the one who draws the fans, guys. >and its nice to see someone seeing that we have some enjoyment out >of these fanfic. (It has also encouraged me to do a grammar and >spell check if i ever decide to write and post one). MYSTERY VOICE: I'm always available for editing jobs. Always a good idea to have another person check out your work for grammatical and spelling errors that you yourself might miss! MIKAGE'S VOICE: Wha--HEY! Whoever that is, I want you to know that *I* run this operation-- VOICE: Would you like to be a potted tulip for a while, Professor Souji? MIKAGE'S VOICE: What? You can't-- [odd zapping noise, reminiscent of a cheesy B-movie sci-fi sound effect] MAMIYA'S VOICE: Um . . . Mikage-sama sir? . . . >One question. You definitely seem to know what happens later in the >series (I've only seen it through 13). How did you get the info? >Spoilers? Saw them in Japanese and have the translated scripts? Know >Japanese? I'm really curious. I'm also dying to see the other 26 >episodes. (Well not dying really but certainly interested). Hope to >hear from you. >Laura Moore VOICE: Check out the credits at the end here for the site addresses of some of the best Utena sites I've found so far! UTENA: Um--who are you? VOICE: Don't ask, and don't worry about it. TOUGA: Is that all of it, Souji? [Observatory. MAMIYA is huddled in extreme close-up near the viewer, staring wide-eyed at a blue ceramic pot that holds a pink tulip. MIKAGE's glasses are propped on the pot's rim] MAMIYA: Mikage-sama sir? Speak to me! TULIP: . . . MAMIYA [shoving his ear right up next to the plant]: What do you want me to DO, Mikage-sama sir?! TULIP: . . . MAMIYA: Um . . . [he notices the duelists staring at him from the screen] Should I send them the fic, Mikage-sama sir? TULIP: . . . MAMIYA: Right then! [he strikes a heroic, Dios-esque pose and pushes a button] [SoR. The klaxons and lights are going full force; UTENA pulls off her apron and MIKI quickly gathers up the letters as they run for the doors] TOUGA: I'll do it this time. WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIIIIGN! [as they run for the theater, MAMIYA's voice can still be heard from the viewscreen] MAMIYA'S VOICE: Don't you worry, Mikage-sama sir. I'll get you a nice fertilizer stick and some nice water and a UV lamp! TULIP: . . . [Duelist's door sequence!] [6. It's the gate to the Arena. You try to open it, but you haven't got a Rose Seal ring. Finally, you pick the lock with a credit card and walk through.] [5. It's the spiral staircase from hell. You make it about halfway up before realizing there's an elevator and climbing in.] [4. The elevator stops about ten feet from the top. You walk halfway up the rest of the stairs, realize that you aren't getting a fancier outfit, and pause at the convenient basket placed on the stairs to sew on the decorations yourself.] [3. The archway at the top of the staircase. You accidentally glance over the side, suffer a violent attack of acrophobia, and cling to the side of the archway, whimpering for your mommy.] [2. You wait for the Rose Bride to place the rose on your chest, but first you have to help her pull the thorns off. Ow! Ow! Ow!] [1. The Rose Bride does her spiel and falls back over your arm; you draw the Sword of Dios from her chest and use it to hack down the final door into the theatre.] [the duelists take their seats--from left to right: TOUGA, UTENA, AKIO, and MIKI] AKIO: Did you enjoy that yelling, Kiryuu? TOUGA: It was rather fun. UTENA: I have a bad feeling about this . . . >Before you read the product of my general distress and happy >thoughts, AKIO: Sounds as if she's been doing speedballs. UTENA: What? AKIO: Heroin and cocaine combined. UTENA: I don't want to know how you know about that. [AKIO looks innocent] >there are some things you must know. TOUGA : WHAT is your quest? > First of all Touga and the rest of the cast of Utena do not belong >to me (although I wish they did). UTENA: Just a bit of a stalker mentality, I see. [pause] TOUGA: Hey, we're not getting scolded. MAMIYA'S VOICE: Mikage-sama sir is, um, not feeling real good. I guess I'll have to do it. BE NICE! > The only character that is mine is Claire, so you may not have her AKIO: Good, because we don't want her. >without my permission. TOUGA : She's mine! Mine, I say! HAHAHAHA!! UTENA: Quit that. You sound like Nanami with a shot of testosterone. >This Fic takes place between episodes 4 and 7 in the series. MIKI: And thus, is almost inevitably going to rip off parts of said episodes. AKIO: Let's *hope* it's with more accuracy and less irritating context than "High Altitudes." >All flames, comments, praises and other such fanmail are welcome :) UTENA: One wonders what the reaction to *this* will be. TOUGA: I suppose it depends entirely on her maturity level. Some authors take this too seriously, others don't take it seriously enough; some of them actually get the point. [there's a slight tremor from the Fourth Wall] >Arigato ne ~ Angie (aka. An-chan) > >Touga meets his match [TOUGA bursts out laughing] AKIO: Unless it's me, I seriously doubt it. MIKI: Er, Rijichou . . . she did mention this "Claire" person . . . UTENA: Another fangirl fantasy, I expect. [TOUGA chokes in mid-laughter] >-- Part I AKIO: The "Fandom" Menace. >-- by An-chan > >Touga Kiryuu walked along the path that led to Ohtori Academy. UTENA: You mean there's actually something *outside* Ohtori? I'd never noticed. AKIO: You're not supposed to. [sly smile] That's the point. UTENA: . . . >It had been over a month since Utena Tenjou had come AKIO: That long? Oh, you poor-- [UTENA smacks him] >into his life, and yet he still hadn't managed to win her heart. TOUGA: I think I'd like to win the rest of her, too . . . UTENA: Be quiet. >He could win any girls heart, MIKI: Er, actually, it's not really their *hearts* that he-- TOUGA: Shhh. >why not hers? AKIO: Because she has someone better. [he attempts to put an arm around UTENA; she smacks his hand away] >"Oh, to be able to understand women." Touga said with his eyes >pointed Heavenward. AKIO: Just like another part of his anatomy, I suspect. UTENA: Hentai! >"Love them? Yes. Seduce them? Of course! UTENA: *Of* *course* . . . TOUGA [burying his head in his hands]: This idiot can't possibly be me. >Understand them . . . ? That would take a miracle." MIKI : There are no such things as miracles! UTENA: You do that too well, Miki-kun. MIKI: I've been around Juri-san a lot. >His thoughts were interrupted by loud music coming from the school >gymnasium. UTENA: Are you sure it's music? Maybe the wrestling team had beans for lunch. > Curious, Touga walked over to the doors and peeked through the >window. [pause] TOUGA: Walked over to the *doors* . . . and peeked through the *window*? Why not just OPEN THE DOOR?? MIKI: Perhaps there's a small window in the gym's door? AKIO: More likely there's a large hole in the author's head. MAMIYA'S VOICE: Do you *mind*? AKIO: No, and apparently neither does she! MAMIYA'S VOICE: Mikage-sama sir wanted me to warn you that this is your last warning, and next time there'll be consequences. >Inside he saw a girl with short brown hair, wearing a pair of blue >jeans and a tight red shirt. MIKI: And . . . cue the self-insertion! AKIO: Most people think that's physically impossible, you know. UTENA: *Akio*! Ecchi! >Entranced, Touga stood watching this beautiful, obviously foreign, >girl dance to a fast paced song. TOUGA: Ricky Martin?! I hate Ricky Martin! UTENA: Could be worse. TOUGA: How? UTENA: Could be the Backstreet Boys and Britney Spears, together in concert. TOUGA: Urk . . . yes, that's worse. >When the song ended, Touga reached for the door handle, planning to >find out who this girl was and applaud her performance. AKIO: What performance? She still has all her clothing on. UTENA: Not *that* sort of performance. Weren't you paying attention? AKIO: I was trying not to. >Then he noticed another girl, in a school uniform, skipping towards >his mystery girl. UTENA : 'Cause you're working, building a mystery . . . >"That was wonderful, Claire!" shouted Wakaba. "How did you learn to >dance like that?" TOUGA : I'm a self-insertion. It's part of my amazing powers, along with the ability to speak flawless Japanese despite an obviously Western name. Later in the story, I'll become a Duelist, make every male in the cast fall for me, and turn all the female cast members into my adoring followers. AKIO: By that logic, Nanami is bordering on a self-insertion. [TOUGA chokes] AKIO: I *did* say "bordering" . . . >Blushing, Claire turned in Touga's direction, "Oh, I just make it up >as I go, I've never really learned how professionally" she said with >a smile. MIKI [opening his small journal]: Comma in the wrong place, and missing another comma. UTENA: Are you going to start *that* again? MIKI: Might as well. >Noticing she was being watched, AKIO: Nobody's watching her, she's just paranoid. Really. >she looked directly into Touga's eyes then quickly turned to face >Wakaba. UTENA : Eeew, I made eye contact with a *regular* character! >Grinning to herself, "That should leave a good impression." TOUGA : Oh, how suave. That was the least impressive attempt at flirtation I've ever seen. >Claire thought to herself. AKIO: Now, if she were thinking to someone else, I'd be worried. MIKI [scribbling away]: Confusing sentence structure, misuse of punctuation . . . "grinning to herself" is not a viable implication of speech . . . >Touga walked away in his lost in his own thoughts, UTENA: I bet that Ryoga Hibiki has that problem, too. Poor guy. MAMIYA'S VOICE: Who? UTENA: Never mind. >"A new girl on campus I don't know about her? MIKI [writing faster]: Sentence requires a conjunction such as "and" . . . >I must not be myself. TOUGA: I agree one hundred percent. You're certainly not *me*. >Utena, now you have clouded my social life too." [pause] UTENA: If that made sense to anyone, please raise your hand. [nobody moves] UTENA: I thought so. >"Guess who?" said an annoyingly familiar voice. TOUGA : American woman, get away from me . . . MIKI: If it's Claire, I hope she takes the hint. >"Hello, Nanami," TOUGA: Wait just a minute. My sister is *not* "annoying." OTHERS: Says *you*. >sighed Touga. "Just what I need now, my sister . . ." he thought, >then he had an idea. Taking Nanami's arm, he coyly asked if she had >heard any gossip about a new exchange student. AKIO : Well, there's this girl named Claire--I hear she's an obnoxious self-insertion! >"Why yes, it's so fascinating that you ask," Nanami replied in an >excited voice. UTENA: I don't think I've ever heard Nanami sound *excited*, really. Kind of smug or gleeful or anxious, but not really *excited*. TOUGA: I'm disturbed that she seems to be so thrilled over a new female student. Nanami perceives other girls as being rivals for my attention and does everything in her power to crush them ruthlessly. AKIO: You sound rather proud of her. TOUGA: Oh, do I really? UTENA: Gee. I wonder who taught her how to manipulate people like that. Hmm. >"There is a sixteen year old exchange student from the States, >Claire Tenshi, MIKI: "Tenshi"? I doubt she's an *angel* . . . Juri-san is usually typified that way. UTENA : In the arms of the angel . . . fly away from here . . . TOUGA: Next flight out, if at all possible! >all the guys are fawning over her, I have no idea why, maybe it's her >violet eyes. AKIO: Ah, of course. Self-insertions always have to have some utterly fascinating feature, and it usually turns out to be unusual eye color. MIKI: Er, Rijichou? This is anime. Hair and eye color tends to deviate wildly from anything found in nature. MAMIYA'S VOICE: Kaoru, shush! > Anyway, she's fastly MIKI: Or "quickly," or "swiftly," or "rapidly"--"fastly" isn't a proper word! >becoming the biggest heart breaker on campus. And she's only been her >a few weeks. AKIO: Ah, a recent post-op transsexual. I see. UTENA: What?! AKIO: She's only been "her" a few weeks? [UTENA groans] >She's pretty popular with the girls too, TOUGA: There's a great deal of that going around in this show. [TOUGA's chair suddenly buzzes and flashes; he yelps, his hair bristling with static] MAMIYA'S VOICE: I guess Mikage-sama sir's idea of the built-in electrical deterrent system is working! >she's just so cheery. AKIO: What did you expect? A Tim Burton movie? >Imagine that, I think it's weird." UTENA: What's weird? Being popular? I seem to do it all right. TOUGA: You have a valid reason, which I won't name because I really don't want another five hundred volts in my rear. >Touga smiled, even if he was out of it, he still knew how to get >exactly what he wanted from his sister. AKIO: I believe this author has confused your personality with mine, Kiryuu. TOUGA: Sickening idea. >Sure it was cruel to use her misguided crush on him MIKI: Er . . . it's not a "crush," really. She's possessive of him because he's her idolized big brother. *That* is proven later on, I believe. AKIO: Oh, I remember. [smirks] [MIKI shivers] >to his own advantage, but he wasn't known for being a heart breaker >for nothing. TOUGA: True, but Nanami's my little sister. I would *not* hurt her deliberately. UTENA: Um--I think everyone's missed the point. The author's making a huge deal out of Touga just asking Nanami for a bit of gossip. It's not like he just manipulated her into giving away classified information. >Then a fascinating thought occurred to him, what would happen if the >biggest playboy on campus were to befriend the biggest playgirl on >campus. AKIO: The plot of a second-rate porno film would be created. UTENA: More like a third-rate fanfic. >Touga meets his match -- Part II AKIO: The Wrath of Kaoru. MIKI: *Me*?! UTENA: I suspect you might have a reason to be wrathful later on, but it's just a hunch. >-- by An-chan > >Claire Tenshi walked the hallways with Wakaba, classes didn't start >for another half-hour, so they wandered, still helping Claire get her >bearings. MIKI [scribbling again]: Run-on sentence. You'd think she didn't know *how* to use proper punctuation and sentence breaks. >Sure, she had been there two weeks, but it was a huge school. Claire >thought of that mysterious guy, such long red hair, an entrancing >face, TOUGA: I concede that I'm gorgeous . . . UTENA: Touga no baka. >and why did he wear a different uniform. MIKI: She's been there two weeks and hasn't asked anyone about the Seitokai uniforms yet? No one's volunteered information? Um . . . AKIO: Kaoru, are you thinking about the fic again? MIKI: Sorry. Did I mention that the sentence stumbles from an observational statement to a question without a proper break or punctuation? AKIO: No. >Maybe Wakaba would know, she seemed to know who's who. > >"Wakaba, why do a few of the guys wear those different uniforms?" >asked Claire. > >"Oh, there are three guys, and a girl who wear more distinguished >uniforms, UTENA: "Distinguished"? TOUGA: When I show you the dry-cleaning bill, you'll probably agree. >they're in the student council." answered Wakaba. > >"Who is the one with the long red hair?" Claire asked with a smile. > >"That's Touga Kiryuu, he's the student council president, I would >stay away from him if I were you, he's broken so many hearts, he's >the biggest playboy on campus." Wakaba said in a matter of fact tone. AKIO: And then she promptly fainted, having said all of that so fast that she forgot to breathe. MIKI: Punctuate. Punctuate. Sentence breaks, *please*! >"Then again. . ." > >"Then again. . . what?" Claire asked. > >"Oh, nothing." Wakaba blushed. TOUGA: Why, Wakaba. I didn't know you cared. UTENA : I started thinking about Saionji again. Sorry! >"I know what you were going to say, I've only been here two weeks and >I have guys swarming all over. AKIO: Swarming, eh? Like flies around rotten meat, I expect. UTENA: You can stop right there. >Honestly, I have no idea why. MIKI : Observe my facetious modesty. Is it not nice of me to pretend such humbleness? >It must be my natural beauty and charm." After saying that, Claire >laughed out loud. Wakaba not knowing what else to do, joined in. [ALL break out into exaggerated laughter] UTENA: Yes, but is she laughing *with* Claire, or laughing *at* Claire? TOUGA: I know which one *I'm* doing. >They continued to walk though the hallways. When the two girls >reached one of the main courtyards, a few boys walked up to Claire. >With big grins on their faces, they asked AKIO : May we rape you? We'll pay! UTENA: No! No references to "Ami-chan"! *No*! >if they could carry her books, walk her to class, and even hold her >hand. MIKI : I wanna hold your hand . . . >Claire blushed at all the attention, but she was used to it. TOUGA: Used to it? Ha. She reveled in it, soaked in it, basked in it . . . UTENA: That's what SIs do. >When she was in grade school, boys wanted nothing to do with her, but >once she got into the middle school, they were all over her. MIKI: I hope there's a treatment for that. It sounds uncomfortable. >At first she didn't know what to do, and she wasn't sure if she liked >the attention. Then she started playing along with all of it, which >made the boys flock even more. AKIO: What an interesting metaphor. "Flocking," eh? Take out the "l", swap the "o" with a-- UTENA: *Akio*! >She discovered if you do some spy work and remember people's names, >they like you even more. TOUGA: "Spy work" just to remember someone's *name*? Is she an amnesiac or an early Alzheimer's victim or what? >"Silly boys, MIKI: Trix are for kids! AKIO: Tricks are for the backseat! [UTENA smacks him] >you'll just have to wait till later, I'm spending quality time >Wakaba." MIKI: "With" Wakaba, I'd hope. Unless "Wakaba" is some secret military code word. UTENA: Careful. She'll turn out to be a Navy SEAL or a CIA agent. TOUGA: Well, she *does* do "spy work." [snicker] AKIO ["Mission: Impossible" voice]: Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to participate in Operation Self-Insertion. Synchronize your watches to Quality Time Wakaba and await further instructions. >Claire said in a sweet and flirtatious voice. As she and Wakaba >walked away, she turned around and blew a kiss in the air. Playing >hard to get and being slightly flirtatious also worked very well. . . AKIO: Ah . . . sure. Whatever you say. TOUGA: I suppose she simply likes the word "flirtatious" too much. MIKI: It seems to be one of the only lengthy words that she can spell. >As they continued walking down the hall, they met up with Utena. >Wakaba greeted her with the usual over powering hug. UTENA: Well, that's *one* character trait that's at least consistent. >Claire watched in amusement. TOUGA : How entertaining these pathetic creatures are. I shall grace them with my presence until they no longer amuse me. >When Utena finally shook her friendly attacker off, she said politely >said hello to Claire. MIKI [clutching his notebook tightly]: "Politely said hello." The first "said" is totally unnecessary . . . UTENA: Miki-kun? Do you need a break? MIKI: Soon . . . very soon . . . >They had only met briefly a few days ago, but any friend of Wakaba's >was a friend of hers. UTENA: That's debatable. Wakaba's dreamy over Saionji, after all. >"So, what have you two been up to this morning?" Asked Utena. TOUGA: Nothing of any great interest. Trust us. >Claire was about to answer, but Wakaba beat her too it. > >"Claire has been flirting with all the boys. . .again, and >daydreaming about Touga!" Wakaba said in a giggly voice. Claire >started to protest, but Utena started talking before she could. MIKI: Why is everyone interrupting everyone else? AKIO: This is reading like a conversational three-car pileup during rush hour. >"Touga, huh?" Utena said. " He is a piece of work! I still can't >believe that he sent me that awful pink dress. UTENA: It wasn't *that* bad a dress. Well . . . not really, anyway. TOUGA: Thank you. UTENA: Quiet. >Still he. . ." The sound of the first bell interrupted their >co?versation. AKIO: And now the bell is getting in on the interruption game. >The girls said their good-byes and split in diffe?ent directions to >get to class. MIKI: They're amoebas? >Claire walked away thinking about what Utena had said. "So Touga was >in love with Utena." UTENA: No, he was in lust with me, there's a definite difference. TOUGA: Utena . . . >She thought. Anytime a girl calls a guy a piece of work because he >sent a pink dress. . . "Well Touga Kiryuu, it seems you may be in >need of my help". TOUGA: I doubt it. MIKI: Help with *what*, exactly? AKIO: I bet *I* know. TOUGA: You most certainly do *not*. >Touga meets his match -- Part III AKIO: The Search for Self-Insertion. TOUGA : I've found 'er, Cap'n! Can I lose her again now? >-- by An-chan UTENA: The pain continues. >Later that day Claire stood poised in the middle of the Gymnasium, >waiting for a song to begin playing. Her urge to AKIO: Sweetheart, really, you should do that in private--or come on up to *my* place. [UTENA smacks him] >dance had gotten stronger ever since she had arrived from the states. AKIO: I knew it was an iffy thing, putting fluoride in the water, but the advisory board said it was a good idea . . . >As the song started she gracefully extended her arms, flowing with >the music. She had chosen a slower song than her earlier choice of >Revolution [jarring of the Satellite occurs] UTENA [pointing at the screen]: Hey! I thought we were supposed to get warnings about these fic-created breaches in the Fourth Wall! MAMIYA'S VOICE: Sorry. I was watering Mikage-sama sir. >that she had danced to this morning. She didn't remember what the >words meant. It was something about the wind. TOUGA: Well, that could be virtually anything. AKIO: Maybe she meant "hot air." Or-- UTENA: That's far enough. >She closed her eyes to the beautiful sounds of violins and piano. >When the words of the song started, she began to sing along. MIKI: With amazing skill, no doubt, and self-taught. AKIO: You're learning. MIKI: All we've seen so far has been self-insertion. It's easy to catch on to the basics. >When the song ended, she heard a click of a stopwatch. TOUGA : I wonder who that could be. MIKI [blushing]: It's just a quirk, all right? UTENA: This bodes ill for you, Miki-kun. >Claire's eyes flew open; a member of the student council was sitting >on the bleachers. > >"I didn't mean to startle you I heard music playing from next door, >I'm sorry," Said a handsome blue-haired boy. AKIO: Breathe, Kaoru. Breathe. Why are you talking like Nanami? MIKI: I don't know! >He got up and turned towards the door. UTENA: That's a wonderful idea-- MAMIYA'S VOICE: Don't even try it. TOUGA: At least *he* can escape. >"No, wait, it's ok, please. . ."Claire said. "My name is Claire >Tenshi, MIKI: "O-k-a-y" is a more proper spelling there. AKIO: I think I may have this "Tenshi" thing figured out. She's an Angel from "Neon Genesis Evangelion," and she has a sort of AT Field. This explains everything! TOUGA: That's not an AT Field. That's an Aura of Smooth(TM). UTENA: Known to be possessed by both Touga and Akio, and both are trained masters in it . . . TOUGA and AKIO: Hey . . . UTENA: Well, it's true, isn't it? TOUGA and AKIO: . . . yes . . . >you're in the student council aren't you?" The boy turned towards >Claire. > >"I've heard a lot about you, Ms. Tenshi. UTENA: That sounded kind of ominous. AKIO : Ah yes, Ms. Tenshi. I know a great deal about you. [mimes petting a cat in his lap] A great deal . . . TOUGA: What are you doing? AKIO: Stereotypical Bond villain. >My name is Miki Kaoru, and yes I'm in the student council." ALL : Hi, Miki! >"You're Miki?" Claire said excitedly, UTENA : Oh, Mickey, you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind--Hey Mickey! Hey Mickey! [MIKI sinks down in his chair, blushing] >"I've heard the most wonderful things about your piano playing, I was >hoping I would get to meet you." AKIO: This is a first. The SI is acting like, well, a fangirl of some sort. TOUGA: If she weren't a fangirl, would this fic have been written at all? >Miki blushed at the complement. MIKI: Compl*i*ment . . . >"I couldn't persuade you into playing a song for me, could I?" Claire >asked. TOUGA : No. UTENA : No way. AKIO : No way in hell. MIKI: Er . . . >"Well I was going to practice, I suppose you could listen." Miki >said. > >They walked next door; it was a large room, rather like the gym, but >inside was a grand piano. UTENA: Which begs the question, "Why is the music room so huge when the only thing in it is a piano?" MIKI: Acoustics. AKIO : Extra funding. [MIKI sweatdrops] >Miki sat on the bench and began to play. TOUGA: With your reputation, I'd expect something of a higher skill level than "Chopsticks." MIKI: Seitokaichou . . . >Claire stood in awe of his skill. UTENA: What? There's some area in which the self-insertion admits defeat? AKIO: This is rare. >For the rest of the afternoon they sat together, TOUGA: Bit crowded on that bench, I'd think. >talking while Miki practiced. > >For the first time in a long while, Claire didn't want to flirt >profusely. ALL: *Gasp*! >Miki was different. He was so shy. She didn't want to put such a >sweet person through her little games. ALL: *Gasp*! >When they decided to leave, they just shook hands and went their >separate ways. > >Claire went back to her dorm, for the first time, having a genuine >crush on someone, and not knowing what to do about it. UTENA: Great job, Miki. You've hindered the self-insert. MIKI: I would like to call my lawyer now. >By the time Claire had finished her dinner and her homework, it was >time for her to go to bed. She walked into her room, "It's times >like these I'm glad I don't have a roommate." UTENA: She'd better not be staying in the east dorm. TOUGA: My dear, nobody except for you and Anthy stay in the east dorm. UTENA: Whew. >She said as she put on her flannel pajamas. "Still, it does kinda get >lonely. . ." > >"Poor girl, it's a good thing I came over." Said a male voice. AKIO: Don't tell me that I'm in this too . . . >Claire quickly flipped on the light. She must not have paid attention >when she got it the room. Lying, with his shirt off, on her bed, was >Touga Kiryuu. TOUGA: Oh no. No, please, no . . . UTENA: Don't say that you've never wanted to surprise *me* like that. TOUGA: I'll admit it, but I know you'd toss me out on my ear. >" I'm sorry, did I frighten you?" Touga said in an attempt at >innocence. MIKI: I don't know about *her*, but *I'm* terrified. AKIO: Hmm. Story's getting interesting! MAMIYA'S VOICE: According to Mikage-sama sir's notes, there isn't a "lemon" label on this fic. AKIO: Damn. MAMIYA'S VOICE: What does "lemon" mean? AKIO: I'll tell you later. >"Yes, you did, Touga. But I am glad for the company." UTENA : Now get the hell out of my room before I call campus security, hentai! >Claire smiled " Now either get out of my bed of move over, I'm very >tired." Claire said. With a flirtatious grin on his face, AKIO: And wearing nothing else, I suspect. TOUGA: She *did* say that only my shirt was off. AKIO: No, she specified your shirt was off, but that doesn't mean you've got the rest of your clothes on. UTENA: This little tangent just ended, guys. >Touga moved over. Not at all surprised, Claire climbed into bed with >this handsome man. MIKI: Oh, of course! Hop right into bed with someone who's broken into your room . . . TOUGA: Usually women fall into *my* bed. UTENA: What was that? TOUGA: Never mind! >"You are exactly what I've heard, such a play-girl, so shameless, I >am honored to be in your presence." Touga said. AKIO: I see that Nanami's speech pattern's rubbed off on you. TOUGA: *No*. And I certainly wouldn't be so crude as this pathetic copy. Nor as mock-humble. >"I am honored to be in your presence, you're quite the play-boy as >I've heard." Claire said. UTENA: All right, it's been established, they're both sluts. TOUGA: I'm offended! UTENA: I'm talking about *that* Touga. >" I have a few things I would like to discuss with you, but first you >need to be quiet. Touga looked confused, but he watched and listened >as Claire said her prayers. MIKI: Missing quote . . . >When she was finished, he thought a moment. [AKIO makes a squeaky-wheel sound] >"So you are also a good girl?" Touga said, almost surprised. Before >he could say anything else, Claire put a finger on his lips and said >"Yes I am, that is why I am only going to kiss you." TOUGA: Oh, of course. Good, innocent, religious girls find nothing wrong at all with saying their prayers before making out in bed with a half-naked man. AKIO: I've never noticed any reluctance, myself. UTENA: *Akio* . . . >Touga meets his match -- Part IV AKIO: The Voyage to Hell. UTENA: I think we're already there. >-- by An-chan > >Claire leaned closer and pressed her lips against Tougas'. He was >slightly shocked that someone could be more forward than him, TOUGA: I am *not* "forward." UTENA: You. Me. Rose garden. Grab. Kiss. How's that for forward? TOUGA: That was in the manga! UTENA: It's still valid! MAMIYA'S VOICE: *Do you mind*?! UTENA : Sorry. But, Touga, there was also the time you started playing with my hair . . . and grabbing me around the waist . . . and coming on strong after my first duel with you . . . TOUGA: I still plead not guilty to all charges of forwardness. >but he soon got over it. The kiss sent shock waves of passion through >both of them. AKIO: BZZT! TOUGA: Ouch. >They clung to each other in the heated kiss for as long as they could >stand. They took turns tackling each other, smothering each other >with passion. UTENA: So *this* is the "good girl"? MIKI: Is this a sex scene or a professional wrestling match? >When they finally broke free, they stared in amazement AKIO : I can't believe I'm stooping this low! >of each other. Claire was the first to speak. " I can see why you're >the biggest playboy on campus." She said in a coy voice, twirling >Touga's long red hair in her delicate fingers. TOUGA: I don't grab every girl around and start "smothering them with passion." And I hate it when people play with my hair uninvited . . . UTENA: What, like this? [she reaches over and plays with TOUGA's hair; he sighs happily] AKIO: Oh yes, you're kicking and screaming. TOUGA [eyes closed, smiling blissfully]: Utena's different. >Touga smiled and turned towards this bewitching girl next to him. MIKI: Is she going to wiggle her nose? >"And if you were a man, I would defiantly have competition for the >title." He said, as he slowly inched back to her lips. TOUGA: Of course I'd defy any competition. MIKI: Typo. Should be "definitely." And I have trouble believing that. AKIO: Nice insinuation there . . . UTENA: I think I know where you're going with that, and you'd better *not*. >Claire stopped him and sat up. "I'm not who you're after." She said >in a serious tone. "You have your heart set on Utena Tenjuu." TOUGA: As if I would admit it at this point, much less to this girl. "Love 'em and leave 'em" is my motto. UTENA: *Really*? TOUGA: Ah, that is . . . UTENA: Do go on. I'm fascinated. TOUGA: Er . . . >Touga propped himself up on one elbow and smiled. " And I am not who >you're after. You've fallen for Miki Kaoru." [MIKI blanches and clutches the arms of his seat] UTENA : I'm so sorry, Miki-kun. MIKI : Help . . . >"Yes, and neither of us knows how to the ones we want." Claire said >sadly. TOUGA: Neither of us knows how to *what* the ones we want? AKIO: Would you like me to fill in the blank? UTENA: *No*. >Then a thought occurred to her. "Touga, why don't we form a bit of an >alliance." TOUGA: Let's not, and pretend otherwise. >Touga raised an eyebrow, but Claire went on. "I'll help you win >Utena, and you help me with Miki. We need to change if they are to >fall for us, so no more flirting. We drop the flirting in public, and >meet here if we need to get out any. . .pent up passion." TOUGA: Hold on right there. Supposedly we each want other people, but we'll still meet to have sex? This girl's too bizarre even for *me*. AKIO Ah . . . an interesting female perspective of the madonna/whore complex. She--supposedly--loves Miki, who is pure, but also lusts after you, who isn't. So she'll keep it secret. UTENA: You're scaring me. >"And it can be our little secret." Touga added. MIKI: And you're going along with it?! Shame! TOUGA: This is *so* not-me. >"Then it's a deal?" asked Claire. > >"Deal, and now to seal it with a kiss" AKIO: Sure, but *where*? UTENA: Ecchi!! TOUGA: I'd rather scrape my lips off with a cheese grater. >The next morning. . .. > >When Claire awoke the next morning, she turned on her side, to look >where Touga had been. Instead of finding her new. . .friend, AKIO: What an interesting euphemism. I prefer "f**k buddy" . . . UTENA: What the heck was that? MAMIYA'S VOICE: Auto-censor. Mind your language, please. >she found a MIKI: --horse's head. UTENA: Yuck . . . >small silver ring. [ALL groan] AKIO: Please, please let it just be Touga's ring. This is another example of someone I would sooner strangle with fishing line than make a Duelist. >She picked it up with curiosity. "This is Touga's student council >ring, why would he leave it here? TOUGA: What she's not mentioned is that my hand is still attached to the ring. I gnawed it off at the wrist during the night in order to escape Claire's Aura of Smooth(TM) without waking her. UTENA: Touga, that's disgusting. AKIO: And this fic's not? >He's going to start suspicions if I'm wearing his ring. I guess I'll >give it back later." TOUGA: I'd say that the missing hand will be suspicious enough. MIKI: Oh, dear. Remember how Nanami blamed Utena after Touga was accidentally wounded? What's she going to do about *that*? AKIO: Here's hoping Nanami kills Claire. >Having said that, Claire shrugged, and quickly got ready for school. >She had the feeling it was going to be a rough day. Keeping away from >guys was going to be a task in itself. UTENA: Oh, boo-hoo. Such is the lot of a self-insertion character. MIKI: Unless the author's a reasonable sort of person, of course. It *is* possible to do a good self-insertion-style fic. "Ma Vie et Roses" is a perfect example. MAMIYA'S VOICE: Nice plug, Kaoru-kun! MIKI: Good fics deserve the positive attention. >It didn't help that she was exhausted. Touga and she had spent a lot >of the night getting passion out of their system. . . TOUGA: What, from "just kissing?" Right. Sure. Okay. MIKI: A good laxative will clear that right out, I bet. UTENA: Ugh. >When she arrived at school, she headed straight for the music room. >As she approached she saw Miki, standing in the doorway, talking to a >girl. MIKI: I would like to not be here for this, I think >"What are you doing here if you don't plan to play the piano, >anyway?" Miki said, annoyed at the girl in front of him. MIKI: Oh, *no*. >"I can come here if I want to." The girl said, as she tucked in her >shirt. AKIO: And she certainly does! [UTENA grabs his arm and smacks his elbow down on the armrest] AKIO [clutching his arm]: What was *that* for?! UTENA: Don't pick on Miki. >"The music room isn't just for playing the piano, Miki." >The girl abruptly turned, fixing her tie as she walked away. MIKI [head in his hands]: I knew it. She ripped a scene directly out of the series. TOUGA: At least it's more or less accurate . . . MIKI: I do *not* wish to speak to you at this moment. >She walked up to Claire and another girl. UTENA: Nobody in particular, just "another girl." AKIO: Odd name. >"Good-morning, how are you?" Claire asked. > >"Good-morning, I'm fine." Replied the girl. TOUGA: "Good-morning," I'm nauseated by this fanfic. >Claire watched as Miki walked into the music room, she thought of >following, but she wanted to find out who this girl was. AKIO: Someone only slightly less annoying and loose-moraled than you are, Claire. Have fun. [smirk] *I* did. [UTENA reaches for his arm; he jerks it out of range] >"How do you know Miki?" Claire asked, getting right to the point. > >"Oh, he's my big brother." The girl replied, "oops, look at the time, >I gotta go!" TOUGA: At least she has the sense to escape as quickly as possible. >With that the two girls quickly walked away. Claire wondered why they >hurried off so fast; they didn't even introduce themselves by name. UTENA: It's because they recognize Claire as a threat to their characterization. I can just see her Aura of Smooth(TM) turning Kozue into a fawning sycophant who swears off promiscuity forever. MIKI [head still buried in his hands]: That would be a blessing. >She turned around, only to see Touga walking towards her. He fixed >his slightly disheveled hair and uniform as he approached. >Claire quickly put two and two together. TOUGA: . . . and came up with nine. Math was not her strongest subject. Anyway, she didn't see me walking out of the music room, now did she? >"Hey, you were just fooling around with Miki's sister! AKIO: No, he was very serious about it, really. UTENA: Stop that. >You're going to need some serious help!" Claire said in a half >aggravated, half disappointed voice. TOUGA: I repeat, she didn't see me walking out of the music room. MIKI: It would be a reasonable assumption, though. Application of logic. A leap to a conclusion that just happened to be right. TOUGA: Oh, fine. >"So are you, you have competition, I suggest you look in the music >room." Touga said, UTENA: You're right about the run-on sentences, Miki-kun. >turning to leave. Claire quickly grabbed his arm. AKIO: --and it fell off! The HORROR! MIKI : Heheh, that "fake arm" prop I got from the gag store really works well. >"Wait, you forgot something. . ." Claire said, as she pulled the >silver ring out of her bra. UTENA: Doesn't she have any *pockets*? A purse? Anything? MIKI: *I* wouldn't touch the ring after this . . . >"I believe this is yours." > >Touga checked his finger, [AKIO opens his mouth] UTENA [putting her hand over his mouth]: *Not one word*. >and to both their surprises, his ring was still there. [ALL groan in anguish] AKIO: *NO*! No, no, *no*! UTENA: Wait . . . how did that ring get into her bed, if Touga didn't leave it? [silence] AKIO: *NOOOO*! It wasn't me! I swear it wasn't! >"Ok, so why did you give me a ring?" Claire asked. TOUGA: It's not really a ring, it's a radio-transmitter tag so that everyone can avoid you more successfully. >Touga stood confused but he took the ring from Claire's hand, and >slipped it onto her finger. "Why don't we keep this our little secret >for now, I'll explain later." Touga said, hinting that he would >defiantly be over later. MIKI: "Definitely," not "defiantly." TOUGA: Maybe the first version is accurate, because I wouldn't. >Later that day. . .. . ... MIKI: Morse code. [reads] This . . . fanfic . . . is . . . Oh, it's trailed off. UTENA: Whoever was giving the warning must have been caught. >Claire sat in math class, waiting for the teacher to arrive. Everyone >was just sitting around talking and gossiping. Claire saw Utena and >Wakaba in the corner, but stayed put, she really needed to study. TOUGA: Especially with that problem she has with adding two and two. UTENA: What she *really* needs to do is-- AKIO: Now, now . . . >The room was suddenly filled with whispers and swoons. Claire looked >up to see Miki walk into the room. MIKI: Um . . . people don't *swoon* around me. I know that much. AKIO: True. >He held a white rose out to Utena. He said a few things, but the >whispering was too loud for her to hear. The only thing she caught >was Miki saying, "I'll be waiting." TOUGA : I'll be back. >"What is that supposed to mean?" Claire thought. UTENA: If you're lucky, you'll never, ever find out. MIKI: If *we're* lucky, she'll never, ever find out. >Touga meets his match -- Part V -- AKIO: The Fic Frontier. TOUGA: If that means "Do not go beyond this point," I'm with you one hundred percent. >by An-chan > >As soon as classes were over for the day, Claire hurried back to her >room. > >Since her parents were on the wealthy side, they made sure she had >her own suite and dorm wing all to herself. [ALL groan] UTENA: I suppose her mother's maiden name was really "Beckett." AKIO: A tad obscure, don't you think? UTENA: No. Go look at Elmer Studios. MAMIYA'S VOICE: I'm not sure if that's a breach or not. UTENA: It's not. Really. >Claire thought it was rather silly, TOUGA: Oh, of course. Money's so . . . so *gauche*. >but now having to keep so many secrets, it would come in handy. MIKI: *What* secrets?! UTENA: Maybe she likes to undress, smear herself with peanut butter and jelly, and run through the dorm shouting for a loaf of bread. How would *I* know? AKIO: Sounds rather interesting. >She opened her door and threw her books on the table. She had had a >rough day, so she sat in her favorite chair without looking first. AKIO: Cue ridiculous slapstick moment. >"Well hello there." Touga said, smiling. Claire clutched her heart in >surprise, she really had to start looking first, she had just sat on >Touga's lap! AKIO: Was I right, or what? TOUGA: Claire really, really needs to have her vision checked. I think I'd be rather hard to miss. UTENA: Tall, dressed in white, long bright red hair? I'd think so too. >"You have got to stop scaring me like that." AKIO : Scare me like *this* instead! MIKI : Dan Quayle's the front-runner in the presidential elections of the United States of America. Danny Quayle, future leader of the free world! AKIO : AAIGH! >Claire said, as she slowly calmed down. "So much for relaxing." > >"You can still relax, you just need to come a little closer." UTENA : Come a little bit closer, you're my kind of man . . . MIKI: Um, I *hope* not . . . AKIO: This lends weight to my post-op transsexual theory. >Touga said, pulling Claire in for a kiss. > >Several Minutes later. . . [ALL imitate loud smacking, slurping noises] >"Well, Touga, you must have held in a lot today." Claire said as she >caught her breath. AKIO : Oops. Sorry. Had beans and broccoli for lunch. TOUGA: That'll be enough, thanks. >"You'll be proud to know, the little incident in the music room was >my only slip up of the day." Touga said, sounding rather proud of >himself. UTENA : Hee hee, me only have shallow, meaningless sex with one girl all day. Me good boy. TOUGA: Do you mind? UTENA: Yes. TOUGA: *Really*? UTENA: Er--I meant no! >Claire slowly got off of Touga's lap and started walking to her >bedroom. UTENA: Oh, that's right, she has a "suite." Anthy and I have the single communal room that serves as study, bedroom, living room . . . and you know, I bet Claire has the only "suite" of all the students on campus. AKIO: I suspect you're right. >Touga followed. Claire attempted to shut the door on him. He stood >with one foot in the doorway, grinning. Claire shook her head "You >are impossible." TOUGA: And you're insufferable. Are we even? >Undaunted by her male onlooker, Claire proceeded to change out of her >uniform, ALL: O_o [MIKI covers his eyes] AKIO: Interesting birthmark she has . . . UTENA: *Akio*! TOUGA: And this is the "good girl." Sure. >into a pair of jeans and a yellow sweater. > >"What is it with Americans and jeans?" Touga asked. UTENA: The same thing it is with many other countries and jeans, I suppose. They're not very expensive, they're comfortable to wear, and they last for quite a while if they're well made. >"They're very comfortable and durable, TOUGA: That was eerie. UTENA: At least it wasn't *verbatim* . . . >don't mock them 'til you try 'em." Claire said very matter of factly. AKIO : So *there*, jeans-hating infidel. MIKI [hands still over his eyes]: Is it safe? UTENA: As safe as this fic is going to get, I suppose. [MIKI lowers his hands] >She walked to the doorway, kissing Touga on the cheek, "Come on, I'll >fix us dinner, you have an awful lot of explaining to do." TOUGA: Perhaps, but why would I bother to explain anything to *you*? UTENA: What's there to explain? He was in the music room with Kozue, doing what you'd expect they'd be doing. The end. >Claire quickly walked to the kitchen, before Touga even caught up, >Claire had everything cooking at all the timers set. TOUGA: What, does she cook at the speed of light? MIKI: Even the *narration* is turning into nothing but run-on sentences. AKIO: You've just noticed? >"ok, you have twenty minutes, start explaining." Claire said, as she >sat on the counter top. TOUGA: I can think of better ways to spend twenty minutes, and none of them involve the self-insertion. [he leers a bit at UTENA, who carefully ignores him] AKIO: This particular SI is nearly as bossy and obnoxious as Sienna Cody. *Nearly*. >"What would you like me to explain?" Touga said, as he sat at the >kitchen table, resting his chin on top of his hands. Claire held up >her left hand. AKIO: Explain *this*. [he holds up his own left hand in an unmistakable gesture] UTENA: Stop that. >Touga began. . . "only those marked as Duelists wear the rose seal." >Touga went on to explain all about the duels, the duelists, and 'end >of the world'." UTENA: That's a *lot* more than *I* ever got. I had to stumble through most of it myself and it was like pulling teeth to get decent explanations out of people . . . TOUGA: But it was more fun that way, don't you think? UTENA: *No*. >Just when he had finished telling about the last duel, involving Miki >and Utena, the timer rang. MIKI: But it wasn't the timer, it was the smoke alarm--the building was on fire! UTENA: That's if Anthy's cooking curry, remember? >Claire looked around confused, her head swimming from everything she >had heard. TOUGA: Backstroke, doggy paddle, or Australian crawl? AKIO: I prefer the breaststroke, myself. [UTENA glares at him] >When it dawned on her that the timer was ringing, she quickly jumped >off the counter and turned off the burners. She added a few special >ingredients MIKI: Arsenic, belladonna, strychnine . . . >and put the dinner on the table. Chicken and rice with stolen sweet >and sour from a fast food restaurant at home. TOUGA: . . . what? UTENA: I'm a bit confused too. She "stole" sweet and sour sauce from a fast-food place "back home"? AKIO: Just smile and nod. >Touga raised an eyebrow at the unusual color of the rice. UTENA : Is this supposed to be chartreuse? MIKI : Green and fuzzy, hmm? How long has this been sitting in the fridge? >After trying it he complemented Claire on her cooking. AKIO : I just love the way it screams and tries to squirm off the plate. >But seeing the distraught look on Claire's face, got up and stood >next to her. MIKI: *Who* got up and stood next to her? Pronoun, please! >Claire looked up at him, in the most pathetic way. AKIO: Wow. That *is* pretty pathetic. Looks like a three-legged dog trying to sit up and beg, doesn't she? UTENA: That was unnecessary, Akio. >"I have no idea how to handle a sword." She said softly. Touga >returned to his seat and stared across the table. He couldn't help >but smile, then he began to laugh. UTENA: You know, Touga, that's what I really like about you. You're so sympathetic to the plights of others TOUGA: You'd laugh at her too. UTENA: Well . . . yeah, I think I would. >Claire was at first offended, AKIO : Stop picking on me! Don't you realize that *I'm* the self-insertion around here?? >but realizing how pathetic she must have sounded, she began to laugh >as well. TOUGA: She must have realized that this is definitely a "laughing at" rather than a "laughing with." >In a more serious tone, Touga smiled, MIKI: Expressions don't have *tones* . . . AKIO: Stop thinking about the fic. After all, the author apparently did. [AKIO's chair suddenly becomes charged with high voltage; he leaps out of it with a yell] MAMIYA'S VOICE: Behave. >"I'm sure you could get Miki to teach you, he does fence at the >national level." TOUGA: Although I have no idea what yard construction has to do with this. UTENA: That was pretty lame. TOUGA: The fic is giving me brain damage. AKIO [muttering as he tries to smooth down his frizzled hair]: As if you had a brain *to* damage . . . >In an equally serious tone, Claire smiled, MIKI [gripping armrests]: *Expressions don't have*-- UTENA: Just let it go, Miki. And while you're at it, let go of the armrests before you break them. >"So tell me Touga, why haven't you gone against Utena yet?" TOUGA: Because I've been observing and plotting and scheming, of course. UTENA: What was that? TOUGA: Well . . . the truth, actually. UTENA: Wow. That's a surprise. >Touga meets his match -- Part VI AKIO: The Undiscovered-- UTENA: Okay, *enough* already with the "Star Trek" allusions! >-- by An-chan MIKI: Just in case you managed to purge the writer's name entirely from your memory, she keeps repeating it over and over with these chapter headers . . . >The next morning, Claire walked into school with a big smile on her >face. AKIO: . . . and nothing else on her body. [pause] ALL: Eeeeeewww!! >Many boys tried to talk to her, but she just walked by, as if they >didn't exist. Her night with Touga really helped. . . UTENA: So much for the "nice girl," hmm? >As she neared the music room, she heard the familiar sound of Miki's >piano playing. MIKI: I don't own that piano, and it doesn't play by itself . . . TOUGA: Read the sentence again. MIKI: Oh. It's a bit awkwardly worded, I see. >Claire walked in and sat on the very edge of the piano bench. Miki >continued to play, lost in his own thoughts, almost unaware of >Claire's presence. ALL: Lucky him. >Claire watched Miki for a while, slowly memorizing the notes he >played. Claire began to press some of the same notes as Miki. MIKI: *Keys*. She'd be pressing the same *keys*, which then make the *notes*. UTENA: Miki-kun, really, there's not much point in nitpicking this mess. >He looked at Claire, surprised, but not missing a note. Claire >continued in her attempt to play. She faltered as Miki looked at her, >and when she struck a wrong key, she also bumped against Miki's hand. AKIO: Moments later, they were engaged in a flaming passionate lip- lock. MIKI: *Noooo*! UTENA: No more references to "High Altitudes," okay? >Blushing, Claire attempted to move over, but forgot she was already >at the edge of the bench. Soon Claire found herself in a heap on the >floor. ALL [flatly]: Wa-wa-waaaa . . . >Miki stopped playing and extended his left hand to help her up. AKIO: Are you sure his *right* hand wouldn't be stronger? [UTENA whacks his elbow on the armrest again] >Forgetting about her ring, Claire extended her left hand. When their >hands met, there was a slight clash of rings. TOUGA: Then sixty thousand volts surged through the conductive material, frying Claire to a crisp. The end. UTENA: What, did he borrow the Joker's joy buzzer from the "Batman" movie? >After Claire was brought to her feet, Miki continued to hold her >hand. He turned it to confirm his suspicion. AKIO : Ugh. You have *really* dirty nails! Go wash your hands, for crying out loud, you germ farm! >"You have. . ." Miki stared in confusion. > >"Yes." Claire interrupted, "I know all about the duels, that's why I >came here, I need someone to teach me to fence." TOUGA : Waaaaell, first whutcha wanna do is, you gotta get some lumber an' nails an' chicken wire . . . >"Ask Miss Jury, she is much better." Miki said in an upset voice. UTENA: No, she's just meaner. AKIO: Still harboring resentment over the way she threw you around the Arena that first time? UTENA: *No*, of *course* not . . . >"Trust me, Miss Tenshi, you don't need my help. In case you didn't >know, I lost my duel with Utena yesterday." Having said that he >turned and walked away. UTENA: Sorry, Miki-kun. MIKI: I'm long over it, Utena-kun. >"You can't let that stop you, Miki. You have to fight for what you >want." Claire called after him. "Maybe teaching someone else will >help you improve." TOUGA: Considering the usual trend of this story, I would imagine that Claire would automatically be a prodigy with a sword, and thus would make Miki feel even worse. MIKI: Thanks so very much, Seitokaichou. >Claire said hopefully. Miki turned around about to speak, but Claire >continued "You should tell her you won't lose next time, and then be >her friend. By the time your next duel comes around, you'll have her >off guard." UTENA: Wow. That's really . . . nasty. TOUGA: That's *my* strategy, damn it! AKIO: Mine, too! UTENA: *Excuse* me? AKIO and TOUGA: Never mind. >Miki walked up to Claire, "Maybe your right. . . MIKI: No, she's not. I don't behave that way! >meet me here tomorrow before school," he said. Claire smiled as he >walked out the door. A few seconds later, Touga appeared in the >doorway. Smiling at Claire he said "Shame on you. . .stealing my >ideas." [silence] TOUGA: This is going a bit too far into the realm of the bizarre, now. MAMIYA'S VOICE: Deja vu, Kiryuu? [faint, disturbing giggle] TOUGA: Ha ha. >Later that day, when Claire was walking to class, she saw Miki >approach Utena and Wakaba. AKIO: Now *there* is an interesting threesome. UTENA: *Akio*!! >"I was careless yesterday, but next time I won't lose." Miki said, >and promptly walked away. Claire smiled to herself, her work was done >for the day, now to go home and celebrate. . . TOUGA: . . . by being far-too-easy-to-get for the poor slob who's pretending to be me in this fic, I expect. >Touga meets his match -- Part VII-- by An-chan > >The next morning, Claire stood in the music room, waiting for Miki to >arrive. Checking her watch, she realized she was considerably early. >Slowly, Claire walked over to the large grand piano. UTENA: How exciting. OTHERS: Zzzzzzz . . . >She sat down on the bench and began to hum "The Sunlit Garden". Using >her voice to lead her to the notes, AKIO: Take me to your leader. >she began to pound out a few of the notes. Slowly she became more >confident of the melody, and continued to play and sing. MIKI: There aren't any *words* to that song. I wrote it. I would know! TOUGA: The author evidently doesn't. >Claire looked up to find Miki watching her. "How long have you been >standing there?" she asked. AKIO : Long enough to judge where to stick the knife. >Miki approached Claire and reached out his hand. Blushing, Claire >gently put her hand in his and lifted herself off the piano bench. TOUGA: Then Miki hurled her out the window . . . MIKI: I'm not strong enough to do that. >After a few moments of being locked in each other's gaze, Miki broke >the silence. "Shall we begin, Miss Tenshi?" AKIO : IT HAS BEGUN!! UTENA: So when does Sub-Zero freeze her and shatter her into hundreds of bloody pieces? >Regaining her composure, Claire nodded. "What's first, oh wise >master?" She said with a grin. MIKI: Wax on, wax off . . . AKIO: I could use a good waxing myself. UTENA: *What*? AKIO: Er--my *car*. My car could use a waxing. >Miki raised an eyebrow. UTENA : Fascinating. MIKI: No, not really. >"It was a joke, you can fight back you know." Claire said. "It >doesn't hurt to joke around, you should try it some time." MIKI: Is this supposed to imply that I don't have a sense of humor? UTENA: You *are* very serious, but not *this* bad. >Miki turned and walked toward the door. "Hey" Claire called after >him, "Are you giving up on me already?" she asked. TOUGA: Run, Miki! You can get away from her! AKIO: Run, Forrest, run! UTENA: Nice plug, if unnecessary. AKIO: Unnecessary? UTENA: That movie made an obscene amount of money *without* your shill act . . . >"Yes." Miki said. Claire stood bewildered, but then Miki's serious >face broke into a smile. AKIO: *CRACK*! MIKI: Ouch. >"No, I'm not giving up on you, TOUGA: Well, Miki, I can see you're suddenly not the brightest one in the bunch. MIKI: That is *not* me. I don't know who it is, but it's *not* me. >I'm going to get the practice swords." He said. AKIO: Miki then slipped out the door, returning not with shinais, but rather a pair of actual katanas. Using these, he did his best imitation of a Cuisinart, rendering Claire into a heap of bloody chunks. The end. UTENA: *Ugh*. >Claire ran up to him and put shook his hand. MIKI: "Put shook his hand"? What the . . . ? TOUGA: Nod and smile. Just nod and smile. And don't think about it. >"You're a fast learner." MIKI: Thank you for the condescension. May I have another? >She said with a smile. UTENA: Have a Coke and a smile! AKIO: Don't mind if I do. [pats himself down, then frowns] My, er . . . recreational pharmacologies are back at the Observatory . . . >When they arrived at the Gymnasium, Miki handed Claire a practice >sword. Claire swatted in the air with the thin sword. Miki raised an >eyebrow. UTENA: If you're not careful, your face will freeze like that. >"Do you know how to use that thing?" he asked. AKIO: Funny, that's what *she* said . . . UTENA: *Akio* . . . >"Sure" Claire answered. "The pointy end goes into the other man." MIKI: Well, if *that's* not reducing the art of sword fighting to the idiot basic . . . AKIO: After all, it's just like the *other* sword men have, where the rounded end goes into-- UTENA: That's quite enough of *that* thought! TOUGA : She's a "good girl", my-- MAMIYA'S VOICE: *Language*! >With one motion of his sword, Miki knocked Claire's out of her hand. TOUGA: Great. It's Obi-Wan Mikobi the Jedi Knight now. AKIO [cupping his hands over his mouth and breathing heavily]: Use the Force, Miki. >He looked up at her and stated "We have a lot of work to do." MIKI: Such as a complete rewrite, better grammar, less confusing sentence structure . . . and, *certainly*, that SI has got to go . . . >Many days passed. UTENA: Stuff happened. MIKI: Evidently none of it was terribly interesting and not worth describing. >Claire trained with Miki, and when the classes ended, Miki would >practice his piano. AKIO: Looks like you were right, Kaoru. >Claire would dance using a practice sword in her motions. TOUGA: What is this, some kind of Russian saber dance? UTENA: No, just a cheap "Western capitalist pig" imitation with a shinai. AKIO: Hmm . . . I see the "good girl" is once again practicing with a long, hard rod. You'd think she'd be getting enough practice with *that* sort of thing every night with Touga . . . [UTENA yanks his ponytail] >A good suggestion on Miki's part, and it really helped her improve. AKIO: Or so he told her, because he didn't want to hurt her feelings by laughing hysterically at how stupid she looked. MIKI: Rijichou . . . >Some days Claire and Miki would sit on the piano bench and play >together; TOUGA : That's *my* sheet music! Give it back! *MOM*! UTENA : Hey! Can Miki come out and play? AKIO: I keep trying to convince him to do just that . . . [MIKI turns bright red] >some days Miki would watch Claire dance. AKIO : She calls that *dancing*? She looks like she's suffering from an epileptic attack while on a sugar high and covered with fire ants! >The plan was going beautifully. MIKI: Plan? What plan? TOUGA : I will call it . . . "The Alan Parsons Project." UTENA: I'd *like* to see a [aerial quote marks] "la-ser" hit this fic. >Touga was making improvements as well. AKIO: Sounds like he got on one of those home-renovation shows. TOUGA : Well, the first thing we're going to do is take up this flooring so we can re-route the drainage pipes . . . >His nights with Claire kept him from using his charm during the day. UTENA [folding her arms and glowering]: *Sure* they did. TOUGA: I feel sorry for whoever this poor dolt is. No stamina at *all*. >It appeared that Touga was just very busy with student council >business. MIKI: Not *that* busy. It's not like there's very much involved in the Seitokai business. TOUGA: You mean we're supposed to do something other than have meetings with peculiar, unexplained things going on, pose in our special uniforms, and duel with each other? AKIO: Nah. >Then one interesting day, the pattern was broken. . .. ALL: Dun-dun-dunnnn!! UTENA: I hope they're going to replace that. AKIO: Sorry, that pattern's no longer available. MIKI: But that was our best china! >Touga meets his match -- Part VIII-- by An-chan > >On one seemingly normal day, (as normal as a day could be where the >Student Council runs the school and secret duels to possess the Rose >Bride and bring revolution to the world take place. . .) AKIO: Thank you for the clever side remark, story. MIKI: Are you *sure* this wasn't written by the same person who does "High Altitudes"? TOUGA: Well, nobody's gotten Saionji in a flaming passionate lip- lock--thank God. >Claire sat alone in the cafeteria in the morning, UTENA : I am sitting in the morning in the diner on the corner . . . >listening to her Walkman. TOUGA: (TM) MIKI: How did you do that? TOUGA: It's a secret. AKIO: Sony, yet so far away. UTENA: Cute. I wish I *was* far away from this fic. >No one bothered her; it appeared she was in deep concentration. AKIO [student]: We must not disturb the mighty self-insertion! >A sudden shattering sound woke her out of her dazed state. Claire >quickly pressed the stop button. TOUGA: And the world came to a screeching halt. UTENA : Stop this train, I wanna get off . . . AKIO: *I* can help you with that! UTENA: If you touch me, I will kill you. >A few tables away she noticed Nanami sprawled across a tabletop, Miki >looking totally bewildered and Touga looking very un-amused. "Help >me, Big Brother, I just know this is the work of someone who can't >stand how stylish and cute and popular I am. Big Brother, I'm >scared." Nanami whined. MIKI: Oh, *no*, not another scene rip-off! TOUGA [burying his head in his hands]: And it *would* have to be *this* scene. AKIO: Awww, diddums widdle Nanami-chan embarrass oo? >Touga quickly stood up, jerking his hand away from his sisters' >tightening grip. MIKI [scribbling in notebook]: "Sister's." He doesn't have more than one sister. UTENA: One Nanami is definitely enough. >"If you want my advice" he said in a very annoyed tone, "I think you >should stop reading so many detective novels" Nanami tried to >interrupt, but Touga quickly continued "Sorry, but I have important >student council work, excuse me." AKIO : I have to go boff the so-called "nice girl" SI again . . . TOUGA: Ugh. >Nanami called after him, but he just walked away. UTENA: Which is a pretty good idea. Nanami could drive a saint to suicide, I think. TOUGA: That *is* my sister we're talking about. >Claire couldn't help but smile to herself. > >A few minutes later, Nanami walked outside and sat on the stairs "Oh >my brother can be such a jerk" She said. ALL: *GASP*! UTENA: Wow, Nanami said something about Touga that wasn't blindly adoring! TOUGA: Enough, already . . . >"Oh I love hearing about other peoples family problems" Miki said >without thinking. MIKI: Well, actually, I *did* think about it. I just didn't think about it enough. And it was true, anyway. >"Oh no" he thought to himself "It must be Claire rubbing off on me". UTENA: *Eeew*. [MIKI shudders] >"Excuse me" Nanami said, quite shocked and very annoyed. AKIO : Did you say something, peasant? >Miki quickly covered up. UTENA: That really could have been stated differently. TOUGA: Makes it sound like you were running around without your clothes on, Miki-kun . . . [MIKI turns bright red] >"Do you have any ideas, did you do something to anyone lately, is >anyone mad at you?" He said in between coughs. Nanamis' friends were >quick to reply to his comment. AKIO: Friends? Nanami has no friends, just henchmen. UTENA: Henchwomen. AKIO: Uh . . . right. >"Lots of people should be mad at her, they just don't know it yet, >her policy is not to get her own hands dirty" they informed him. UTENA: Now even Keiko, Yuuko, and Aiko are talking in run-on sentences. And in chorus, to judge by the way that's written. TOUGA: You'd think the author could *try* writing more original material, rather than transcribing from the episode. MAMIYA'S VOICE: Careful with the Fourth Wall! Oh, Kiryuu-san . . . having seen what she wrote for her "original material," aren't you rather glad she's sticking to a tired old retread of someone else's work? TOUGA: On second thought, never mind about the original material! MYSTERIOUS VOICE: I think that Mikage's been sufficiently chastised. [another cheesy sci-fi zapping sound] MAMIYA'S VOICE: Oh, Mikage-sama sir! Are you all right? MIKAGE'S VOICE: Why the hell am I soaking wet and covered with dirt? And what's this little stick thing in my navel? >"Of course" Miki replied. He could not believe he had said that! He >felt almost a sense of relief when Nanami got clobbered with a >baseball. AKIO: And there was much rejoicing! ALL : Yay. >Shortly after Nanami calmed down and the baseball was extracted from >her face, Miki happily resigned himself to spending time with Utena. UTENA: Is it possible to be "happily resigned" to anything? I don't know if I should be insulted or not. >About the same time as the mess with Nanami on the stairs occured, >Claire sat in class, completely bored. She daydreamed for a long >time. Then suddenly a sudden yell of "Runaway horse, a horse has >gotten loose" brought her back to attention. She looked out the >classroom window, and sure enough, a horse was running through the >hallways. > >"What an. . .interesting school. . ." Claire thought to herself. UTENA: We know. *I* still haven't figured out where that horse came from. AKIO: *I* don't know. UTENA: When you say it that way, I *know* you had something to do with it. AKIO : *Me*?? >Later that day Claire was wandering the hallways when she heard of >the "mysterious prince" that saved Nanami from getting trampled by >the horse. She was highly amused by this little story. MIKI : Oh, the little lives of these peons are so droll. Ha ha. >At lunchtime, she wandered up to the student council's balcony to eat >lunch with Touga. Today he really did have work to do, so she decided >to bring joy to his boring day of work. TOUGA: What would "bring joy" to my "boring day of work" would be seeing her take a running start and jumping headfirst over the balcony rail. AKIO: Upon impact, her head shattered with a sound like a melon being dropped on concrete. The end. MIKI: Urgh. >"That is a very interesting elevator. . .I saw doves fly past the >window" Claire said as she set a basket of food in front of Touga. TOUGA: Those weren't doves, they're pigeons. Damn things are everywhere. UTENA: A "basket of food"? What is she, Dorothy or Little Red Riding Hood? >He didn't even look up from his paperwork. Claire feared that she had >come at a bad time. AKIO: Baby, there is *no* bad time for that . . . [UTENA smacks him] >"I'm sorry, if your busy I can. . ." AKIO : Throw yourself headfirst off the balcony? Please? >Claire's words were cut off by Touga gently grabbing hold of her arm. >He kept hold of her and walked to the other side of the table. TOUGA: Then put her in a headlock and began slowly strangling her . . . >Touga lowered his gaze to meet Claire's violet eyes. "You are a >welcome distraction" he said. MIKI : Really? I am? AKIO : No, I'm lying. Get out of here. The sight of you turns my stomach. >After a leisurely lunch, and a few other. . .leisure activities, UTENA : Bomp-chicka-wow-wow. TOUGA: Wasn't there something funny earlier in the story about her being a "good girl"? >Touga lead Claire over to the ledge of the balcony. MIKI: Touga *led* her over. Who wrote this? Tarzan the Ape Man? >Touga handed Claire a pair of opera glasses. The two sat down and >watched all the students walk by down below. > >Claire idly looked at the people milling about. UTENA : They all look just like ants! AKIO : They *are* ants. We're only three feet off the ground. >Touga tapped her shoulder, and pointed to Miki and Utena. They >appeared to be following Nanami around. > >"Did you hear you sister was saved by a mysterious prince today?" >Claire said. Touga raised an eyebrow. Claire went on to tell him all >about the horse, and the rumors she had heard about Nanami thinking >Touga was trying to kill her. > >"That is the most ridiculous. . ." TOUGA: That was blatantly obvious, yes. >"Look over there!" Claire interrupted. Touga and Claire quickly >focused their binoculars on Nanami. She was kneeling in front of a >grade-school boy. AKIO: I didn't know she went for men *that* young--and in public! I'll have to visit her when we get back . . . TOUGA: If you come within ten feet of my sister, I will . . . I'll . . . AKIO [smirking]: You'll what, Kiryuu? TOUGA: . . . I'll . . . UTENA: He'll key your car! TOUGA: Yes! AKIO: *No*! You stay away from my car! TOUGA: *You* stay away from my *sister*! >A safe distance away Miki, Utena, and Nanami's three little followers >watched in confusion. > >"It looks like she's professing her undying love to that kid." Claire >said. > >"Come on, let's go." Touga said, getting up from his chair. MIKI : My sister is professing her undying love to a ten-year- old. Well, let's go have tea, shall we? >"I have a boxing match to prepare for this afternoon." UTENA: Convenient, that. >Touga meets his match -- Part IX-- by An-chan TOUGA: It just goes on . . . and on . . . and *on* . . . >Later that day Claire stood outside with a crowd of people at the >boxing match. Touga was doing well. Claire noted that most of the >people gathered were girls, all of them happily drooling over Touga's >chest. UTENA: Is that really a valid reason to waste an afternoon? TOUGA: You tell me. [he pulls open his jacket] Is it? [UTENA stares] >The guys in the crowd were basically there for the later match that >Touga was supposed to box a kangaroo. MIKI: Not only was that sentence rather confusing to read, but it's both improbable and completely plausible. Nobody ever *did* explain how that kangaroo got to the school . . . >After Touga had defeated the days normal boxing opponents he took a >break. Claire brought him his jacket and a bottle of water. No one >really noticed, AKIO: --or cared. >they were all to busy prodding at the kangaroo. MIKI: It's a large marsupial with powerful hind legs. *I* wouldn't be poking at it. >A sudden sound brought everyone to attention. A loud "I DON'T CARE!" >came over the loudspeaker. Everyone looked around in confusion. [the noise breaks UTENA out of her frozen stare at TOUGA's bare torso] UTENA: Ow! Yeah, that was the reaction we all had . . . >"Wasn't that your sister, Touga?" Claire asked. > >Before he could answer a cry of "The kangaroo has gotten loose!". >Apparently the combination all the people prodding and Nanami's "ever >so pleasant" voice caused the kangaroo to break free of his cage and >run on a rampage. AKIO: I'd say that the kangaroo definitely had good reason at that point. >Everyone ran to follow, including Claire and Touga. "It's headed for >the main courtyard, I know a short cut." Touga said, pulling Claire >along. TOUGA: He later disavowed all knowledge of the "short cut" when Claire's mutilated body turned up in the alley . . . >As they neared the courtyard, they could see Nanami carrying a little >boy and running from the kangaroo. Touga ran ahead, jumped the fence >and proceeded to knock out the kangaroo with one punch. UTENA: Amazing. She managed to sum up the climax of that entire event in one sentence. AKIO: And she did it rather accurately. >A crowd soon gathered and began to cheer. Claire pulled a mallet out >of nowhere and tossed it to Chu Chu. Happily the little monkey-mouse >took the mallet and rang the bell, which also seemed to appear from >out of nowhere. . . MIKI: Another piece of illogic that fit in perfectly with the usual theme . . . TOUGA: Where, exactly, is the "nowhere" that all of this stuff comes from? MAMIYA'S VOICE: Hammerspace! It's the same sort of extradimensional pocket where the Sailor Senshi keep their henshin sticks and assorted talismans, and where Akane Tendo hides her Battle Mallet, and-- MIKAGE'S VOICE: Quiet, Mamiya! I've told you to leave that Fourth Wall strictly alone! Now I'm going to have to punish you . . . MAMIYA'S VOICE: In the name of the moon? Please? MIKI [head in his hands]: These people control our life-support system . . . >When all the commotion ended Touga walked off into the sunset with >his sister and the little boy, only looking back to impress Utena. TOUGA: Did it work? UTENA: Shut up. >"What an interesting day. . ." Claire said. AKIO: Claire Tenshi, mistress of the understatement, strikes again. >"Yes, a very interesting day" came a voice behind her. . .. Miki's. >"Miss Tenshi, I would like to talk to you." He said, almost urgently. TOUGA : Why don't you go to the bathroom *first*? >"Sure, Miki, why don't we go to the music room, its quieter." Claire >said with a smile. MIKI: Smiles and run-on sentences. Is that all this fic really is? AKIO: There are also brief interludes of feeble erotica and vasty gulfs of poor characterization. >A few minutes later Claire and Miki sat on the piano bench, Miki >playing, Claire attempting too (and failing). ALL: *GASP*! UTENA: She's *not* completely perfect! I'm shocked! >"What is it you wanted to talk about?" Claire asked. AKIO : Have you ever read a book called "Final Exit"? >Miki stopped playing and turned to Claire in a most distraught >manner. "Today has been unusual. . ." Miki began. "Not only because >of Nanami, that boy and the kangaroo. . .But Miss Tenshi. . .I. . >.was outwardly sarcastic for the first time in my life!" UTENA : Oh no. Call the police. You're going away for a long time, Miki-kun. >The cutely blushing, obviously embarrassed, Miki hung his head in >shame. MIKI: I'm far more ashamed of being used in this fic than I ever would be if I'd been sarcastic to someone. >Claire couldn't help but giggle "I must have had an effect on you" >she said almost proudly. TOUGA : I have succeeded in forcing you to conform to my standards. Excellent. My plans are proceeding without a hitch. >Noting that Miki was very lost for words, Claire mustered all of her >newly lost courage. " And you've had an effect on me. . .Miki. . .I". >Realizing it was now or never, AKIO: Now! Now! MIKI: Never! *Never*!! >Claire quickly leaned over and kissed him. UTENA: At least it wasn't a flaming passionate lip-lock. >Overly shocked, MIKI: "Overly shocked"? What, screaming and running away isn't a proper reaction to that? >Miki pulled away and jumped up from the bench. He blushed and stood >dumbfounded. TOUGA: Obviously, he's not *that* "overly" shocked . . . >"Oh no. . .I'm such a. . ." AKIO: Oh, how I want to finish that sentence! UTENA: We all do, but I think we need to keep it clean. >not being able to finish without breaking into tears, Claire dashed >out of the room. [long pause] UTENA: Is that it? The fic's over? TOUGA: We're free?! ALL: YAY! [they run for the doors, and discover that they're still locked] MIKI: What the--? AKIO: What's the deal here, Souji? MIKAGE'S VOICE: Well, this is how it is. She wrote two separate endings to this fic. You're going to have to read *both* of them. [pause] ALL: NOOOO!! UTENA: *Two* endings?! MIKI: I don't want to see any more! Get me out of here! TOUGA: Make the pain stop! AKIO: I'm calling my lawyer! MIKAGE'S VOICE: Oh, quit whining and sit down. You've made it this far. Oh, and Ohtori? What could your lawyer do to *me*? I'm just a "figment of your imagination," remember? Now *sit down*! [the Duelists return to their seats, grumbling in resentment. The first of the two endings scrolls up onto the screen] >Touga meets his match -- Part X-- by An-chan TOUGA: X marks the spot . . . AKIO: Actually, I prefer "G" myself-- [UTENA smacks him] >"I'm such a fool!" Claire cried to herself. ALL: You noticed! >She quickly dashed next door, slamming the doors of the gymnasium >shut. Through her tears she slammed her tape of Two Mix "White >Reflection" into the tape player. When the music started to play, she >realized she must have put the tape on the wrong side, instead of >hearing "White Reflection" she heard the familiar beat of Two Mix " >T.R.Y Return to Yourself". UTENA: I swear this is just like "High Altitudes." Why do we *care* about her tastes in music? >Claire shrugged off the mistake and quickly changed into a light blue >dress (resembling the dress Sailor Mercury often wears, with the >white ribbon along the bottom). [the Satellite rocks and shudders; the Duelists hang onto their chairs] MIKAGE'S VOICE: Damn it, Mamiya, I told you to watch for those fic- induced breaches! MAMIYA'S VOICE: Sorry, Mikage-sama sir! I went to get you some dry clothes! [the Satellite stops rocking; the Duelists relax] >"I must have completely scared off Miki now," Claire yelled at >herself. "How could I have done that! It's not like he's Touga. . ." TOUGA: That's obvious. I'm tall and red-haired. He's short and blue-haired. What other clues did you notice? UTENA: Miki-kun is a sweetheart, and you're arrogant and self- centered. TOUGA: Am not! UTENA: Are so! TOUGA: Not! UTENA: So! AKIO : Now, now, children . . . >Claire trailed off as she realized something else "What is really >going on with Touga and I?" MIKI [almost weeping]: A properly structured sentence . . . "Touga and I" instead of "me and Touga" . . . AKIO: Amazing. She can grasp the nuances of English grammar once, yet butchers it for the rest of the story. Oh, and she forgot the punctuation. >To confused, Claire attempted to push it all off. She ran to the >center of the gymnasium and began to dance with reckless abandon. TOUGA: She poured gasoline on the floor and lit a match as she scattered handfuls of thumbtacks and double-edged razor blades . . . UTENA: "Dancing with reckless abandon" is *not* a Mankind wrestling match. >She tried to ignore the happy message of the song that told her to >never give up and not to cry. But the thoughts ran through her brain. >. . Touga. . . Miki. . . "How am I supposed to give it one more try. >. .how can I not. . .cry. . . baka. . ." In the middle of the song >Claire couldn't hold it together anymore, she fell to the ground in >tears. ALL : Aww, how touching. >Just before the bridge of the song, Claire turned her head quickly to >the sound of the doors flying open. Miki stood in the doorway, >looking very determined. It reminded her of the determined look he >had given Utena the day he challenged her. Vainly Claire attempted to >brush the tears out of her eyes. TOUGA : Wow, these are really stuck in here good--can someone hand me a plunger? UTENA: Ew. >Then it happened, just as when Claire had fallen off the piano bench, >Miki extended his left hand to help Claire off the ground. AKIO: Oooh. How interesting. He helped her up again. >The two stood face to face. Claire attempted to speak but no words >came out. UTENA : Don't speak, I know just what you're saying . . . so please stop explaining . . . don't tell me 'cause it hurts! AKIO: Just like this fic! >Miki gently brushed the tears from her eyes. Miki looked at the tear >that stayed on his fingertip, then gazed into Claire's hopeful eyes. >"My Shining Thing" he said softly. MIKI: AARGH! TOUGA: I think the author almost, but not quite, grasped the actual meaning of that. MIKI: AARGH! AKIO: It's a shame that it has to be the self-insertion. MIKI: AARGH! UTENA: Miki-kun, are you all right? MIKI: AARGH! >Miki wrapped his arms around Claire in a smothering embrace. All the >anguish lifted from Claire in that embrace. The tears continued to >fall, but this time they were tears of joy. The plan had actually. . >. worked! ALL: Huzzah. AKIO: Let's break for lunch. MIKAGE'S VOICE: No. >Pulling slowly away from Miki's embrace, Claire curtsied and offered >her hand TOUGA : No, thanks, I've got two of my own. >" May I have this dance?" She asked. > >"I only waltz, Miss Ten. . . Claire" UTENA: You actually dance, Miki-kun? MIKI: I don't want to be here any more . . . >Claire smiled brightly, her violet eyes sparkling with happiness. >"So, let's waltz!" AKIO : Now is the time on Shprockets vhen ve dahnce. [everybody gets up and does the jerky robotic "Sprockets" dance] >Laughingly, Claire and Miki spun around the room in a fast paced >waltz. > >A few seconds after they began dancing, Utena appeared in the >doorway. She looked on in confusion. TOUGA : What the hell? >"It really worked!" Touga's voice came from behind Utena. Utena >turned around to face Touga, even more confused than before. "What >worked?" She asked. > >"Claire changed her whole attitude to win Miki's heart. . . just as I >changed my 'evil ways'. . .for. . .you. . .Utena." AKIO : I have also . . . changed my . . . speech patterns . . . to match . . . those of my . . . idol . . . Captain Kirk. >Touga said offering his hand to Utena. " I would be honored if you >would share this dance with me." TOUGA: And afterward, we can go back to my place for some *other* dancing . . . UTENA: Hentai baka! >In a moment of utter confusion and weakness, Utena accepted. UTENA: Because being confused and weak is just so *feminine*. >As the song ended the two couples spun around the Gymnasium floor >(which had now become their own personal dance floor) seemingly >unaware that anyone else even existed. MIKI: Thus completely missing the point of dancing together. AKIO : Dancing with myself, I'm dancing with mysel-elf--if I had the chance I'd ask the world to dance, but now I'm dancing with myself . . . >No one knew if any of this would last. . . but for the moment no one >really cared. Touga was with Utena. Finally, and Claire finally met >someone who she could just be herself with, Miki had found that >Shining Thing, and Utena danced with the man she was almost sure had >to be her prince. TOUGA: And the sun was shining, the grass was green, the birds were singing . . . it was just like a Disney flick. UTENA: And Ikuhara-sama was screaming in torment. MIKAGE'S VOICE: Watch it. > The End MIKI : And they all lived happily ever after? AKIO: Well, she *did* say nobody knew if it would last. TOUGA: Here's hoping. MIKAGE'S VOICE: And now for the second ending . . . UTENA: Make it fast. >Touga meets his match -- Part X-- by An-chan > >"I'm such a fool!" Claire cried to herself. She quickly dashed next >door, slamming the doors of the gymnasium shut. Through her tears she >slammed her tape of Two Mix "White Reflection" into the tape player. MIKI: Deja vu . . . >Quickly she changed into a spaghetti strap, white and maroon dress. UTENA: All right, *something* is different. TOUGA: So she wore the demure blue dress for Miki, and some slut outfit for me? How nice. AKIO: Does she store her clothes in the gym or something? I doubt she was carrying these things around in her school bag . . . >"I must have completely scared off Miki now" Claire yelled at >herself. "How could I have done that! It's not like he's Touga. . ." >Claire trailed off as she realized something else "What is really >going on with Touga and I?" [long pause] MIKI: Um . . . >Too confused, Claire attempted to push it all off. She ran to the >center of the gymnasium and began to dance with reckless abandon. UTENA: Yes, you too can witness the miracle of cut-and-paste! >Still the thoughts ran through her brain. . . AKIO: *CRASH*! TOUGA: Did someone get the number of those thoughts?! >'Touga' she thought sadly. In the middle of the song Claire couldn't >hold it together anymore. She fell to the ground in tears. > >Just after the English words "Attention Mission Control, we have >lift-off" in the middle of the song, Claire turned her head quickly >to the sound of the doors flying open. UTENA: Cut-and-paste and modify where necessary. Saves the time of actually writing, I suppose. >Touga stood in the open doorframe wearing. . . jeans. AKIO: And nothing else? He keeps losing his clothes throughout this fic! TOUGA: Ex*cuse* me. >Without a word he extended his hand to Claire. He quickly pulled her >close only to tell her "You were right, jeans are very comfortable." UTENA: And then he broke her neck and disposed of the corpse in the rose garden. The end. AKIO: You've gotten terribly dark. UTENA: I've gotten terribly fed up with this never-ending fic. >Their eyes locked as Claire slowly began to realize what might be >going on. Touga cleared his throat and began: "I was upset because >Utena was the first girl who didn't want me. . . UTENA : I wouldn't say that . . . TOUGA: Hmm? UTENA: Nothing. >I thought that made her my match. . . I wanted her because I couldn't >have her. How silly of me to pursue her when my real match was right >in front of me the whole time" MIKI: Yes, how silly of you to try to win the affection of someone you really care about. >Still locked in a heated gaze, they slowly began to dance. Touga spun >Claire away, his eyes locked on her figure. AKIO: She looks rather like a figure "1", I think . . . >His in the last swell of the music Touga pushed Claire against the >wall and kissed her quickly and forcefully. "I can't promise you >everything, but know this. . ." Touga began. Claire interrupted, UTENA: Courtesy really *has* gone out the window in this fic. >kissed Touga just as quickly and forcefully. " I know you can't make >me any promises, I can't either, that's why I'm your match. From now >on we should really stick to what we're good at. . . MIKI: What, being fickle sluts? TOUGA: Exactly. I mean--hey! That's not me! UTENA: Transparent, Touga. Very transparent. >Claire gathered her things and she and Touga left. As they walked out >of the building Claire took a long look at Touga's outfit. AKIO : The nipple rings and tribal facepaint are so *you*. >"You look pretty good in jeans." Claire laughed. > >"The are. . .quite comfortable." Touga said, TOUGA: Except when you catch yourself in the zipper. >linking her arm to his. AKIO: Did he slap handcuffs on her? Kinky! TOUGA: Only to drag her off to jail on the charge of abusing continuity. AKIO: That's what you *say*, I'm sure. >Miki stood outside the music room, blinking in confusion. Luckily >there were no hard feelings, Miki did not want Claire. . . and well >Claire never really wanted Miki either. UTENA: Feel abandoned, Miki? MIKI: No. *Relieved*. AKIO: Of course, this completely ignores the earlier line about Claire having a genuine crush on Miki. MIKI: *I'm* not going to argue. > The End ALL: THANK GOD! [they pile out of the theater hastily] [Duelist's door sequence . . . in reverse!] [1. You hand the Sword of Dios back to the Rose Bride and tell her you had a wonderful time.] [2. You suddenly remember your opponent. Thinking quickly, you point past him and shout "Look! It's Dios!" When he turns to look, you yank the rose off his chest.] [3. The acrophobia doesn't bother you this time, because you're busy reeling around deafened by the bells tolling your victory.] [4. Stopping at the basket, you snip your hasty stitches and return the decorations before getting back into the elevator to descend.] [5. The elevator stops--nearer the bottom this time--and you stroll down the remaining stairs.] [6. You try to reclose the gate properly, but the rippling water in the reservoir suddenly reminds you of all the soda you had before the fic, and you make a hasty exit to run for the lavatory.] [SoR bridge. The duelists emerge from the theater, looking relieved] TOUGA: Well, *that's* over--thankfully. AKIO: I had to wonder if it would *ever* end . . . UTENA: Same here. MIKI: I think I want a nap. TOUGA: It'll have to wait. Guess who's calling? [he reaches over and pushes the flashing console button] [Observatory. MIKAGE is standing in the foreground, his hair soaking wet; he's wrapped in a large blanket. MAMIYA is fussing around, sweeping up scattered potting soil and bits of broken ceramic] MIKAGE: Well? Opinions? [SoR] UTENA: That was pretty bad. Hard to say if it was actually worse than the first fic, but it's awful on its own. The theme of the "new character" becoming a Duelist is evidently a really popular one with fanfic authors, but it's just *strained* in this one. AKIO: Trite. Boring. Predictable. Didn't even have any real sex scenes, which might have redeemed it--then again, with the way it was written, probably not. TOUGA: That was supposed to be *me*? Don't make me laugh. The characterizations were bad, bad, *bad*. MIKI: It needed a *lot* of editing, to say the least. Bad spelling, terrible sentence structure, improper punctuation . . . ANTHY [emerging from the hallway]: Oh, you're all back! Who would like some shaved ice? [Observatory. MIKAGE sneezes, then growls] MIKAGE: Evidently I have not yet broken them. It is just a matter of time . . . MAMIYA: Would you like a nice hot bath, Mikage-sama sir? I've drawn one for you. MIKAGE: Why, thank you. [he walks off-screen; there's the sound of sloshing water and a sigh, then a long pause] What's that strange scent? Bubble bath? MAMIYA: I thought you'd like some nice fertilizer in it . . . MIKAGE: *What*?! MAMIYA: Um . . . I'll explain in a minute . . . [he hastily hits The Button] *PWOOSH*! Disclaimers and Legalese (in case you missed them the first time around) Original story written by: An-chan MSTing written by: Chris Rain Mystery Science Theater 3000 is owned by Best Brains, Inc. All "Revolutionary Girl Utena"/"Shoujo Kakumei Utena" characters are the property of B-Papas, Chiho Saito, TV Tokyo, Shonenn Iinkai, Software Sculptors, Central Park Media Corporation, and any other companies or individuals holding legal claim to them. I have used them here without permission, but hopefully I will not be viciously sued, as I will not be able to buy any more cool merchandise if I'm broke. ^_^ Comments may be sent to: rainclash@yahoo.com You can send negative comments, too, but I prefer more civilized discourse as befits mature adults in this society. Nyaaaaah!! Visit the Utena Encyclopedia! Translated scripts, song lyrics, images, episode synopses, character profiles, links, and more! http://www.duellists.tj Visit Project Rose Signet! Fanfiction, character information, great links, and more--even a fantastic Utena music video! http://www.duellists.tj/~utena/prs/index.html Visit End of the Innocence! HUGE archive of information, images, synopses, and manga translations for "Adolescence Mokushiroku," the Utena movie released in August 1999! http://www.duellists.tj/~utena/index2html Visit Themes of the Revolution! Archive of mp3 sound files from the Utena original soundtracks! http://www.duellists.tj/~anshi/ >They took turns tackling each other, smothering each other with >passion.